November 7

[Optimus Prime Rib]

Its Maggies birthday in 2 hours. I have been trying to hold it together. Honestly I have not been doing a very good job at it. She would have been 2. Jessy is getting annoyed/worried about me. I keep looking at her pictures and listening to the same song over and over again. I know I shouldnt bring that kind of stuff here, but I consider yall friends. We have all helped one another from time to time.

[saysadie]

I don't know what happened and I'm a little drunk right now, but it doesn't sound good, man.

If you're coming from where I think you're coming from, speaking as someone who obsessed over being depressed- you need to get away from it. Stop the song, focus on other things.

[Kaylee]

It's ok to feel your feelings. Let yourself feel sad if you are sad.

Would it help to talk about it or would it be easier to let it simmer down again?

[Best First]

Mate - you can totally bring this stuff on here.

The whole Transformers thing is just a front innit?

Thoughts are with you man.

[Professor Smooth]

Yeah, we're here if needed.

[Obfleur]

Hang in there dude. We're all here for you.

[spiderfrommars]

There's no right or wrong way to deal with grief mate, but above all life for those left behind goes on. All the best.

[bumblemusprime]

Hang in there, buddy. You can let it out. Tell us--or tell someone--about the experience of having her and losing her. The important thing is to celebrate her life, short as it was.

[Yaya]

Rib, I'm sorry to hear about this. Having never experienced this kind of loss personally, I can only imagine the kind of courage it takes to come to terms with it.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

[Optimus Prime Rib]

I posted her Eulogy on my FB. I hope noone would mind if I put t here too. I also found the letter I wrote her when she was in the hospital.

Saydes. My daughter was born 2 years ago today. She passed away 16 days later. I was the one who had to authorize cessation of life support.
Everyone tells me I have to move on, let go of the pain and let her go.
I cant. I dont want to. That pain is all I have left of her. I worry that if I let go of that pain, I will forget her. That pain drives me every day. I try to cover it up with humor or intelligent conversation, but really I am 2 seconds away from eating a bullet at all times.This job does not help. 2 managers have committed suicide in the past year, and corporate cant figure out what the problem might be. Of course this is while they add 15 more checklists and goals that have to be met or managers will lose their jobs.

I have seriously considered writing a book called "You Think You've Had it Bad?: a self help guide to get you to quit ******* whining and get on with your life" I would just fill it with all the bad **** that has happened to me lol.

I get kind of weird around the religion threads. I had lost my faith for a very long time, but found it again when I held Koen (my oldest) for the first time. But when I lost Maggie, I didnt lose my faith in there being a God, I lost my faith in his "All knowing plan".
I call ******** on giving up his son for my sins. No parent worth **** at least, would ever give up their child for anything. ANYTHING.
Basically I am angry at having to make that decision that morning. No parent should ever outlive their child.

So if God has some magical wonderful plan for me, he sure as hell is taking a long time to get to the good part.

Here is Maggie's Eulogy:

Margaret Julianna Michelle Elmer



An angel of God



Maggie came to us with flaming red hair, big bright eyes, and a wispful smile touching her perfectly formed lips.



The moment she entered our world, anyone that came in contact with her by touch, look,or even pictures knew what instant love meant.



She easily wrapped herself into the hearts of all of us. Pure love does that for you.



Maggie was only here for a very short time, her heartbeats were numbered, she was returning to God to one of his angels soon.



Before she left, she had tons of work to do and not much time to do it in.Maggie managed to exude Gods love to all of u. She showed us that no matter how small and frailyou may be, you fight. You fight to with your family, you fight for love, you fight for life. That you do this quiestly, peacefully, and with respect for those around you.Margaret had an inner strength that most grown men will never find.



When her work was done, Maggies strength left her little body and the Lord came, wrappingher in his loving arms and took her home.



The grief we all share is enormous. The pain unspeakable. Which tells you for someone that small,That new to our world, with heartbeats numbered could only be an angel, a miracle brought to us no matterhow briefly, reminding u that God does exist. That we are enveloped in his love. That pain andsorrow are a part of life, but that if you look closely enough you will see He is with you.



He may even have flaming red hair, big bright eyes, and a wispful smile touching his perfectly formed lips.



Margaret Julianna Michelle Elmer you are loved, you are missed, and you will live in ourhearts and thoughts forever.



Thank you baby girl.


My mom wrote that for me. I couldn't even tie my own shoes by that point. I think she did a pretty good job capturing my feelings. My anger at God manifested itself at Thanksgiving, when I realized that she didn't even make it to her first holiday.

This was the letter I wrote her when she first got sick, 9 days after she was born:

Margaret,
Hey sugar booger,
This is Daddy, you know, "The Bald Guy". I just wanted to tell you I love you.
I want to pick you up and hold you so close right now. I want everything to be ok.
But one thing you learn as a Dad really quick is that you dont always get what you want.

Daddy loves you. More than he ever thought possible.For once in my life I want to see some
"redhead temper". Your mommy has it. Your big sister has it. It wears me out and I pray
for it to go away and hide from it as much as possible. But this time, I need to see it.
I need you to be angry and mean and fight. Fight so hard. I need you to get better baby girl.
I need you to get so mad at this sickness that it cant fight back. You are small, but you
are mighty. I know it. Because you have to be. Because Daddy cant lose you.

I just cant.

I need you to hold my finger again. You cant even hold onto a piece of paper at your age,
but you have the strongest grip in the world when you grasp my finger. Daddy is powerless
to break free of your grip. Because through that finger you have a grip on my heart.
Please please find your strength to hold me again.

I wish there was something, anything I could do to make you better. Im sitting in the living room
right now fighting with your big sister to get her to sleep. Mommy is crashed out on the couch.
She is so scared for you baby girl. I need you to help mommy ok? Mommy needs you to be better
too. She loves you as much as daddy does. Shell argue that she loves you more, but thats just
that temper coming through haha.

So whats it gonna be babygirl? You gonna fight? I know you have it in you. Take a page from your
big brothers. They fight non stop. I cant wait to see you and KaeLynn fighting, that will
be hillarious. I will be honest with you, when I was younger,I never wanted a little girl. Heck daddy never even wanted kids. Now thats all I know.
Its all I truly need, my babies. Daddy needs you.

Koen and Mykal were SO upset today because they havent seen you in a few days now. I have never
seen Mykal worry so much about someone. Koen is pretty introverted about most things, but he
asks about you non stop. Please come home. Let them get to know you. You actually make them
want to behave because they dont want to disturb you. Its kind of funny.

I am going to try to wake mommy up again. She is so tired. She is putting every bit of her
health and sanity into making sure you are ok. I know you love her. Hurry up and get better
so you can make her relax a bit.

I love you Maggy. Get strong, hold on, and fight. Come home babygirl.

Jessy walked into me playing the same video over and over last week for 3 hours. She yelled at me and told me she is worried I am going to kill myself. But its such a perfect and beautiful song, and the video captures how I felt that night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpP0b_CQQi4&ob=av2e

Sorry this post is so long. I apologize for bringing everyones mood down.

[saysadie]

Nah, no apologies.

But I have to apologise, because I'm going to reiterate what it seems other people in your life have been saying to you- you have to let the pain go. You might think it's the only thing you have left of her, but it's not. You have your memories, and there are the other people in your life who were there and know what you've been through. Like was said earlier, celebrate her life. Don't mourn it.

You won't forget. But you need to take the advice of your family and friends, or at least be open to the possibility and let them try to help you. The pain isn't good for you, it isn't healthy and though your reasons for wanting to hold on to it are noble, they aren't correct.

That said, you don't have to let it go right this second. If you feel you've got to vent, get it out, then you do that wherever you feel comfortable doing so. But don't let the pain destroy you or those around you.

[Kaylee]

The entirely natural anger at the world and it's creator aside, just for now:

If I were to say, J, it sounds like you want to punish yourself, how right would I be?

[Shanti418]

When it comes to remembering her and celebrating her, and having your family and children honor her on her birthday, never lose that, never forget that, and always make it a, as saydie says, HAPPY occasion, remembering her life, the love and closeness she brought your family, and the idea that somewhere down the line, you'll be together again.

But as you mention and saydie/Karl pick up on, when it comes to that decision that day to take her off life support. You HAVE to forgive yourself. HAVE TO. You made the best decision, and given her condition, you probably had very little choice. You made the best decision for your family and for your children as you could that day, as you always do. You can't go on beating yourself up about that, because that's not what she would have wanted, and that's not what your family needs you for now. Love you man.

[bumblemusprime]

Joey, ya made me cry. A lot. I can't imagine the pain you must have suffered. I know very well what it's like to look into a little child's eyes and know, whether through God, evolution or the faeries, that they are yours and they will always be yours.

She was beautiful and she was yours and in her very short life, the fuzzy thought that probably registered most in her head most was "Mommy and Daddy love me." And she died believing that.

There is no way that she didn't get that from you. We all know that you gave every bit of yourself to loving her for those sixteen days.

Let yourself hurt. It sucks, and we really don't need God or fate or any explanation other than: "life is ****."

But please remember your other children. Remember that if you take yourself away, they won't remember "Daddy loved me." When my father became suicidal, it took me a long time to believe that he would ever be there for me again, or believe that he actually cared about me.

Please take care of yourself for Koen, KaeLynn and Mykal. Let them know that you love them today, and hold them when you're hurting.

[Kaylee]

Yes, to Spencer you should listen. Wise he is.

[Optimus Prime Rib]

Jessy wont let me go home to see her..
I dont want her to be alone today. It is her birthday. It is only 5 hours away. She just keeps telling me that shes dead and I need to move on.

I told her I dont think I will ever forgive her for today.


She shouldnt be alone today. Who is going to bring her flowers and clear her gravestone? I couldnt protect her, but I damn sure can make sure she is comfortable.

Jessy says there is something wrong with me.

[saysadie]

There's a little something "wrong" with everyone on some level, I think.

I can respect what you're feeling, because I'm a silly thing who has felt similar at one point or another. But you need to listen to your wife right now, because she's right. I'm not saying that you're not right, but she is also right in that it's time to focus on the living. Arguing and fighting with those who love you over this will not keep your daughter's memory alive in a positive manner, and will alienate you from those you need most.

Hopefully you don't take that the wrong way- I'm sorry, I'm very bad with sympathy, though I feel it I'm very bad at expressing. At least over the internet.

[Kaylee]

Jessy wont let me go home to see her..
I dont want her to be alone today. It is her birthday. It is only 5 hours away. She just keeps telling me that shes dead and I need to move on.

I told her I dont think I will ever forgive her for today.


She shouldnt be alone today. Who is going to bring her flowers and clear her gravestone? I couldnt protect her, but I damn sure can make sure she is comfortable.

Jessy says there is something wrong with me.

Hug

J, we're here for you, and so is your family. By all means vent your feelings, I can't imagine the level of anguish you must be feeling.

To echo what others have said: you're still a father and husband and, whatever the world has dealt out to you, you can only make it better by giving love to your family and being with them.

I understand you want to see your daughter's grave. For what it's worth I think you should be allowed to. I also see where your wife is coming from:

It sounds like she is afraid of losing you.

Your children will have picked up on and be fearing that too.

You can't change what has happened, and the sad truth is that there are times you can't win. The world gives you a hand and there's just no way you can play it and still win the trick. That is not your fault, but I understand your anger and frustration have to be focussed somewhere.

Your family need you and are afraid of losing you.

Tell them they won't lose you. Tell them you will be with them and see your kids graduate and get married.

Then you can go see your daughter's grave. You can remember her and honour her memory.

Forgive yourself and let your family love you and need you, just like we do.

[Jack Cade]

Hang in there, man. I can't say I know what you're going through - I don't - but I think what the others are saying here is right: find a way, if you can, to let go of the pain. You won't be letting go of her. She wouldn't want to see it consume you.

[bumblemusprime]

Hang in there, my friend. Don't let your pain lead you to blow up at the wife, no matter how insensitive she is. It sounds like she is dealing with it differently, and is having just as many problems with the issue.

Maggie is not just in the ground five hours away. She's there in every picture, every thought, here on Transfans by talking about her. You keep her alive eternally by expressing your love and your very justified grief. We all know about her and we are speaking about her here and the love you have for her has been imparted to us. That honors her.

I don't think you can ever quite get over that decision to let her go. That's okay. Some things are painful, head-splittingly painful, and the pain will only eventually mellow. You made the choice because you loved her and you cherished her. You are her father forever and that is what matters, and she knew it before she died.

I've got Facebook open and will for a few hours--hit me up if you need someone to chat with.

[Yaya]

I PM'd you. Hang in there, man.