Love

[Professor Smooth]

Let me just preface this by saying that the reason I'm posting this here is because mentioning it to my family would upset them and mentioning it to my friends would result in a drastic shift in their perception of me. It should be noted that while I fully acknowledge both of these things, I find myself powerless to get over them.

Anyway, my grandparents are both in their mid-to-late 70's. My grandmother's side of the family is remarkably long-lived and healthy. My great-grandmother, for example, lived until she was around 95 and lived WELL until the last year or so. My grandfather's side...not so much.

About 2 years ago, my Grandfather suffered a rediculously high number of small strokes. I forget what the actual number was, but we actually stifled a laugh when we heard how many it was. It was one of those laughs that you produce to avoid choking. Needless to say, he wasn't in the best shape afterwards. He can't walk, has trouble talking, and is, for all intents and purposes, a shell of a person.

He's an incredibly inconvenient shell of a person. I feel like a monster thinking this, but I feel that it's true. My Grandmother has to take care of every single aspect of his life. I prefer not to think about the little details, but often I can't help it. He's on aggressive physical therapy but at almost 80 years old, it's beyond difficult and there's not a whole lot that can be hoped for. Still, my Grandmother goes on with taking care of him, a task that I would find difficult in my 20's. The man she loved has disappeared and been replaced with a giant infant. She's is raising a child that, in the back of her mind, she knows will not grow up. He can only get worse and there's only one thing at the end of it.

I consider myself fortunate that I'm something like 6,000 miles away and relieved of ANY responsibility I might expect to live up to. Even here, though, they creep into my thoughts constantly. Just today, I had this unbelievably unpleasant thought.

My experience with friends and girlfriends has been, to put it nicely, unpleasant. My breakups with women are terrible and my friends generally grow sick of me within five years (this number can expand and contract based on the amount of time spent with me). It dawned on me that the kind of love that my Grandmother must hold for my Grandfather is out of my reach. I don't think, no, I'm absolutely certain that I am incapable of that kind of love and commitment. That knowledge would make it unfair for me to attempt to enter into any kind of long-term relationship with another person.

That thought is very depressing and carries with it the implication that I will not have anyone willing to show me the same. Which means that, when my time comes, I'll probably go alone and unloved. The only thing that makes that bearable is that I won't be putting anyone through what my Grandmother is going through now.

Venting hasn't made me feel a whole lot better.

[sprunkner]

Sometimes venting is a dirty trap...

I think you're being too hard on yourself, dude. Your grandparents had their whole lives to build up that kind of love. They raised children, so they're used to having people depend on them. They've had to give absolute, total love to a little person and give up a significant portion of their lives.

As for your stuff... sometimes it's a matter of the right person that you have to find. I'm sure it helps to look honestly at yourself and try to be a little less cynical/irresponsible/etc, but saying that you drive people away and cause all this pain to others seems like you're just hurting yourself out of frustration over what your girlfriend did, IMHO. And as much as that might work, it was HER choice to break it off, and you can't blame yourself for everything.

I was at my lowest when I met my wife, and had broken up with someone who I thought really loved me the way I was. It's nromal to say that within a few weeks my perception of love had completely changed. And since I had a child it's changed again.

You'll get there, dude. Give yourself a break.

[Best First]

I don't think, no, I'm absolutely certain that I am incapable of that kind of love and commitment.

can i ask why or how you know this for sure?

I may be being a tad presumptuous but i assume you have yuet to meet everyone out there so ruling out that you could feel this way for one of them seems to be jumping the gun a bit IMO.

[Yaya]

The man she loved has disappeared and been replaced with a giant infant. She's is raising a child that, in the back of her mind, she knows will not grow up. He can only get worse and there's only one thing at the end of it.

I don't know you and don't know your own personal life experiences, so I can't really speak about you personally. But I might give some advice.

The perception of your grandfather is obviously not shared by your grandmother. You think him a shell, but to her, he is far more than that. There is really something to be said of the phrase "through thick and thin" when it comes to love.

If you can only love someone when they give, and not when they take, then it's love for the self only, not for another. This is the easy kind of love, the love of self. We all have it.

Love for another though, I mean true love for another, can only come with time. You, like most of us here, are young. We have not lived with someone as long as your grandparents have lived with each other. You think when they were your age, they felt the same love they do now, the same committment? No way. It takes time.

They fought. They yelled at each other. Maybe even threatened to leave each other. But it was their overlooking each others faults, their give and take behavior, that fostered love for each other, which lended itself to this sort of commitment. How the hell do arranged marriages work? There is NO love from the start, yet when they die at 85, the couple has the deepest love for each other

I guess what I'm saying is, you should not beat yourself to death over not being able to love in a way that your grandparents are. It just can't happen. Not without sacrifice. Not without give and take. And most importantly, not without time.

On the flip side, these are your grandparents. They are your elders, worthy of your love and respect. Force yourself to help them. Force yourself to sacrifice for them. Why? Well, one, just to help them out. But two, to help you out. By helping others, you will begin to love yourself less and love others more. That's really the formula for a successful marriage.

That's just my two cents. This coming from a guy that's been divorced once already and ain't doing to hot on the second either. There might be some wisdom there though, even though it's hard advice to follow (hell, I don't follow it).