USA loses

sprunkner · Post by **sprunkner** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:42 pm

In case you have not yet been fortunate enough to read this:

A Message from Monty Python's John Cleese to the citizens of the United
States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

- There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

- You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.

- Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect.

- At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

- The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

- The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.

- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys.

- Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer.

- Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).

- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1 of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.

- You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:51 pm

sprunkner wrote:Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat

Nononono - real chips are oven baked. Baked - not fried. BAKED!

Post by **Denyer** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:52 pm

I remember this. I don't think it's Cleese...

- The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager.

*nod*

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:02 pm

Predabot · Post by **Predabot** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:05 pm

My god...

I can hear his voice saying it now.. The man's a fookin' genius!

Now, now. No sence squirming, ye hear, Rib, Copy-tron. It's for you own good.

Legion · Post by **Legion** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:51 pm

ah, if only!

Professor Smooth · Post by **Professor Smooth** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:10 am

Sounds fair. Sign me up.

Post by **Computron** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 3:31 am

Course the real question is do you really want us back?

Besides vinegar on fries? No wonder we left...

Post by **Denyer** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:01 am

Vinegar on thin, over-fried chips doesn't work...

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 6:12 am

Computron wrote:Course the real question is do you really want us back?

Besides vinegar on fries? No wonder we left...

You better bring the big guns...

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 6:22 am

Did Cleese really right that?

Fun stuff

Legion · Post by **Legion** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:30 am

Computron wrote:Besides vinegar on fries? No wonder we left...

No, no, no, go back and read the new rules again.
He said vinegar on chips, real chips. not fries. fries are not real chips.

Post by **Best First** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:36 am

Optimus Prime Rib wrote:
Computron wrote:Course the real question is do you really want us back?

Besides vinegar on fries? No wonder we left...
You better bring the big guns...

see, this is the kind of immature attitude to problems that is forcing our hand.

Anyway, it probably says in some religous book that the USA (ore as iot shall henceforth be known "East Surrey") belongs to the British, that's just the sort of thing the US public can get behead.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:40 am

Best First wrote:(ore as iot shall henceforth be known "East Surrey")

"Outer Cornwall" would surely be more logical?

Surfers, illiterates and unintelligible fools convinced that they're not actually part of Britain?

Post by **Best First** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:51 am

Ouch.

but yes.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:27 am

Best First wrote:Anyway, it probably says in some religous book that the USA (ore as iot shall henceforth be known "East Surrey") belongs to the British, that's just the sort of thing the US public can get behead.

God, if he exists at all, is clearly an Englishman.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:42 am

still funny

Though what would you do if you got it back?

divebomb · Post by **divebomb** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:48 am

Brendocon
Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:40:am Post subject:
Best First wrote:
(ore as iot shall henceforth be known "East Surrey")

"Outer Cornwall" would surely be more logical?

Not "Weston-Over-There"

Post by **Best First** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 11:51 am

Eline wrote: still funny

Though what would you do if you got it back?

green belt

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:09 pm

Storage space, I'da thunk.

Or we could just dump all the chavs into the Grand Canyon and use the rest of the continent as quarantined space...

Post by **Best First** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:18 pm

Brendocon wrote:Storage space, I'da thunk.

Or we could just dump all the chavs into the Grand Canyon and use the rest of the continent as quarantined space...

isn't that how the USA started out anyway?

Go on mad religous peeps, get on your boat and shove off.

Kinda cam round and bit us in the ass that one, eh?

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:19 pm

Dammit. Good point.

At least we didn't get that problem with Australia... we got the ashes back in the end...

sprunkner · Post by **sprunkner** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:14 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote:
Best First wrote:Anyway, it probably says in some religous book that the USA (ore as iot shall henceforth be known "East Surrey") belongs to the British, that's just the sort of thing the US public can get behead.
God, if he exists at all, is clearly an Englishman.

I can just picture this guy devising natural disasters and saying to his wife in an Oxford accent, "It's for their own bloody good, you know!"

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:25 pm

sprunkner wrote:
Metal Vendetta wrote:
Best First wrote:Anyway, it probably says in some religous book that the USA (ore as iot shall henceforth be known "East Surrey") belongs to the British, that's just the sort of thing the US public can get behead.
God, if he exists at all, is clearly an Englishman.
I can just picture this guy devising natural disasters and saying to his wife in an Oxford accent, "It's for their own bloody good, you know!"

God is a middle-order batsman who plays cricket with WG Grace and enjoys a pint of bitter afterwards. He has a long beard, eats cucumber sandwiches and most certainly hails from Oxford or thereabouts. Probably has a wee nip of sherry in front of the fire before going to bed.

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:39 pm

He's a regular at my local pub in Marsh Gibbon.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:39 pm

spiderfrommars wrote:He's a regular at my local pub in Marsh Gibbon.

WG Grace?

Kup_1 · Post by **Kup_1** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:41 pm

This is killing me!!!

LOL!!!!!

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:45 pm

Brendocon wrote:
spiderfrommars wrote:He's a regular at my local pub in Marsh Gibbon.
WG Grace?

No no no. MV.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 3:05 pm

spiderfrommars wrote:
Brendocon wrote:
spiderfrommars wrote:He's a regular at my local pub in Marsh Gibbon.
WG Grace?
No no no. MV.

I put the "gibbon" in Marsh Gibbon. Yeah.

Legion · Post by **Legion** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 3:05 pm

Denyer wrote:I remember this. I don't think it's Cleese...

Y'right:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp
Snopes to the rescue!

Also has a mildy interesting (if some what unoriginal and clunky) rebuttal version...

TransFans.co.uk

USA loses

Re: USA loses