Feeling like a complete jerk.....

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bobaprime85
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Feeling like a complete jerk.....

Post by bobaprime85 » Fri May 27, 2005 8:09 pm

My Grandmother died recently. I've been taking some time lately to deal with that, and may continue to have my time eaten up by the fallout caused by her death. However, the days leading up to and following her death have left me feeling like an insensitive ass, to put it lightly.

It goes like this: my grandmother was not a nice person. In fact, she was a likely candidate for the title of Most Likely To Become A Bride Of Satan. She made life extremely difficult for her two daughters, her son, and by extension, myself. In fact, it's widely agreed upon in my family (or at least, the ones I'm on speaking terms with) that she was a strong contributor to my mother's emotional breakdown and subsequent paranoid schizophrenia. Because of this, and other reasons, I was not on speaking terms with her at the time of her death, nor did I attend her funeral, even though many did and she was interested in seeing me before she died.

So, now we come to my dilemma: how much of an insensitive, heartless prig have I been? One part of me says that my behavior was justifiable, the other says that I'm not as forgiving, or even as basically decent, as I should be. What makes it worse is my own lack of feeling about her death, which only confuses me more. :(

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Post by Brendocon » Fri May 27, 2005 8:14 pm

If it's worth anything, what you're feeling, what you're not feeling and what you're feeling about not feeling strikes me as a perfectly human thing to do.

We're all expected to feel certain things about certain people... and when we don't, all we feel is guilt. Emotion born out of the notion that we are supposed to feel a certain is a bad thing indeed... all fraudulent and lying to yourself and bound to result in a messy end.

In short, what am I saying? I seldom ever know. But don't be too hard on yourself just because you think you should be having a reaction that you've not had.
Grrr. Argh.

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Post by Señior's Covenant » Fri May 27, 2005 8:25 pm

Rough territory, my best on your journey through it. Dealt with something bad with a grandmother with my father's mother living with us for over a decade with alzeimers. Rough. But that was more of a relief and release, nonetheless still feel kind of guilty for how I felt through it all. Helping take care of clinically insane invalid is no job for a ten year old. Then there's my mother's mother. Man, she's a real mother. A total bitch. I never knew until recently when she moved in with my parents. Horrid woman. I won't say how I feel, but I will share my father's words in regards to her (he's her main shitstreak target mind you); "It's okay, she's old. She'll die soon."

Hang in there boba.

[EDIT]

Drinking helps.
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Post by bobaprime85 » Fri May 27, 2005 8:32 pm

Señior's Covenant wrote: Drinking helps.
Sadly, I'm resoundingly temperate, even though alcohol isn't that hard to get. Should probably change that.


Ah, thanks for the words of wisdom guys. It also seems as if one of the complications to this situation comes with the fact that I graduated from High School only last week. Guh.

I suppose what gets me is the fact that her death just doesn't bother me, even though some people who she has been horrible towards have cried at least once. I reason that out by saying that, since they were her children, a closer blood and emotional relationship existed, which is why I don't feel much grief, but they do feel some grief to an extent.

Still makes me feel like a heel, though. :(

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Post by Señior's Covenant » Fri May 27, 2005 8:37 pm

bobaprime85 wrote:
Señior's Covenant wrote: Drinking helps.
Sadly, I'm resoundingly temperate, even though alcohol isn't that hard to get. Should probably change that.
Hey, only if you want to. I myself haven't had a drink in what's soon to be four years. While there are times it would so help things, there's more times for me it wouldn't.

Do what you think is best.
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The "i" in "Señior" from "Señior's Covenant" is intentional and part of a stupid & cheesy inside joke from '02. Thank you for your concern.

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Post by bobaprime85 » Fri May 27, 2005 8:46 pm

I make offhand references and remarks about alcohol, but I never really give it much thought. There are times when I think a drink might help, but they usually pass quickly. In fact, a lot of emotions tend to pass quickly, which is something I worry about in my character. Not being phased by events helps me get through the emotional marathon that is my life, but at times I worry that I'm becoming a bit too detatched.

Anyway, thanks again. Just a quick stop to this place usually helps me get through the day.

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Post by Best First » Fri May 27, 2005 11:59 pm

can't choose your family mate.

some people are great, some not so much, probability suggets you will probably end up related to some of one and a few of the other.

It sounds to me, if anything, that you are being more open and honest about your feelings than many would have the guts to do.

Take care.
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Post by spiderfrommars » Sat May 28, 2005 12:21 am

You can only react in what comes naturally to you, not what others expect. There's no right or wrong way. Its not always like it is in the movies, and life's too short for regret. You're obviously a good level-headed bloke so don't give yourself a hard time ok? :)

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Post by Metal Vendetta » Sat May 28, 2005 12:32 am

boba, just my 10p's worth. The way I look at it, we inherit certain characteristics from our family. Others we learn. either through our family and friends or through exposure to social situations.

Put simply (because I am very drunk) I have certain things from my Nan that I want to carry forward. There's a lot that I don't. Same with my Dad. It's no secret that I don't get on with him, but certsin things that he taught me I want to keep. Other things, well, no I think he ****ed up.

Whatever works. Keep believing in yourself, and you will get through.

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Post by Kaylee » Sat May 28, 2005 10:29 am

If I were in your position I'd probably try to bear in mind that your grandmother had an argument in all of this- it's not as if she had this impression of her being a bad person foisted upon her.

She has, in some part, to take responsibility for the stimulus she gave others to react to her.

It is entirely down to you how you react, but imo there are only some many ways to play a certain hand thats dealt you and I don't think I would have done it any differently to how you have.

:)

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Post by Denyer » Sat May 28, 2005 10:45 am

bobaprime85 wrote:Still makes me feel like a heel, though. :(
Sod it. People grieve differently; I wasn't exactly in tears over the last three funerals (two family, one the mother of a friend) -- all were suffering. Pretty badly by the last.

I can't see the logic in starting behaving charitably towards a memory of someone because they're dead. I suppose it makes it easier to an extent, I'm just not big on romanticising people.

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Post by bobaprime85 » Sat May 28, 2005 7:02 pm

A big thanks to everyone for their comments. :)

After having mulled it over, and taking in everyone's bits of advice, I'm feeling better about the situation. Life is moving on, and so forth. I'm just lucky to have this place as a sounding board.

Thanks again. :)

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