Tip Top(ics)

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 4:15 pm

I've been meaning to post this for some time, but wasn't sure if it could be considered too rude or offensive. Personally I think it's just funny (and sometimes true). Then I saw the thread about whether this forum was too clean. I'm happy with it as it is, and don't mind toning down my language in case there may be younger posters here or it might just offend someone else who doesn't have the same sensibilities as myself. Just use the '*' and people will get your meaning - I'd rather not see a load of 'F' or 'C' words here anyway.
So, onwards:
I had considered writing a tips book with stuff like this for the FHM/Loaded/Maxim crowd, but I couldn't be arsed to write more than this first one.
I hope it helps people out of a 'sticky' situation. And please, feel free to add more tips of your own on any subject so that we have a compendium of useful stuff for all occasions.

UNFLUSHED WITH SUCCESS
So, what happens when you go to the toilet for a dump when you're at someone else's house and the monster turd refuses to flush away? Men and women deal with this dilemma differently. Women will take the cardboard tube from the toilet roll, fish out the log and slot it in the tube. They then plug the open ends with toilet paper and, after a quick spritz with perfume, hide the turd tube in their handbag until they can dispose of it in a bin on the way home. Tip for men: Never steal a cigar from a woman's handbag. It is NOT a cigar.
Men have a different strategy. It all depends where you've done the deed. At your mum's? Just leave the log - she's dealt with this situation before, either from you or your dad. If you're at a mate's house, then you can just call him in to admire your 'birth' and later break it up with a spoon or something. It's all good.
If it's a lady mate, then depending on how matey you are, it's possible that 'show and tell' is also an option here too. If they are just a casual girl mate though, then you may want to fish your crap from the bowl and toss it out of the toilet window. You can then blame the 'brown grass snake' on next door's cat. "It would have to be a tiger to produce that," you'd comment innocently.
If however you're at some bird's house and you've just met her in the pub, then it might be okay to use the 'Toothbrush Method'. Is this girl likely to be having sex with you tonight? If you think so, then break up the log with the handle end. If it looks like she's a no-go then use the bristle end. That'll teach the c*ck-teasing bitch. Just make sure that you're a good judge of these things. It would be a disaster if you've 'bristled' the turd and then later she says "I want you to make love to me. I'll just go and freshen up and CLEAN MY TEETH." Now you've got to kiss her sh*tty mouth.
Good work fella. Now pucker up. If only you'd done that in the first place, eh?

So, is that 'unclean' enough for everyone's tastes?

Post by **Best First** » Mon May 16, 2005 4:56 pm

not too offensive...

although imust say i usually find 'lads mags' rather pathatically unamusing.

can't people just buy real pr0n?

Post by **Kaylee** » Mon May 16, 2005 5:00 pm

{reads}

it burns my eyes!! ;_;

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Mon May 16, 2005 5:37 pm

For the love of everything that is good and hygenic, women wouldn't really fish out their turds and hide them in their handbags because they're afraid of their size, would thay?

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 5:46 pm

Shanti418 wrote:For the love of everything that is good and hygenic, women wouldn't really fish out their turds and hide them in their handbags because they're afraid of their size, would thay?

This is ALL based on truth.
It has happened at least FOUR times to three of my female friends (once for two of them, and twice to ONE poor unfortunate. I told her to eat more fibre).
I even had to help one of them flush a potential horror.

I shall however NEVER speak of the event again - so don't ask.

And yes, lads mags are crap. I do not buy them. Not even for pics of Kelly Brook (yum!) - there are plenty of photos online for when I feel the urge.

sprunkner · Post by **sprunkner** » Mon May 16, 2005 6:38 pm

Doesn't anyone else use something sensible and handy like, say, a TOILET PLUNGER to break the darn things up?

In other news, once my friend ate a Risk soldier and dug it out of his poo. I then ate it and tried to dig, but no luck.

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 6:43 pm

SSSSSPPPPPEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post by **Best First** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:08 pm

Autobloke wrote:
And yes, lads mags are crap. I do not buy them.

Then we are trying to replicate them... why?

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:13 pm

Best First wrote:
Autobloke wrote:
And yes, lads mags are crap. I do not buy them.
Then we are trying to replicate them... why?

We are? What, with this particular topic?

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:25 pm

Best First wrote:although imust say i usually find 'lads mags' rather pathatically unamusing.

can't people just buy real pr0n?

Namely because said magazines are where all the women you'd want in pr0n are.

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:31 pm

Señior's Covenant wrote:Namely because said magazines are where all the women you'd want in pr0n are.

My girlfriend isn't in them. That said, I don't need her in porn to see the good bits.

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:34 pm

I should have put the word "famous" in there.

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:36 pm

Who said she ISN'T famous?

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:49 pm

Emvee.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:51 pm

'Strue. She told me the other week

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:53 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote:'Strue. She told me the other week

She's lying. She did TV when she was a kid.
And you'd better get yourself down the STD clinic now.

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:55 pm

Autobloke wrote:And you'd better get yourself down the STD clinic now.

And now today's Covenant Recommends, brought to you by the word "Underpants".

Covenant Recommends, not slapping an insult at someone that does more damage to you and your personal associates than to the person at which the insult is aimed at.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:55 pm

Autobloke wrote:And you'd better get yourself down the STD clinic now.

Gotta catch 'em all!

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:56 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote:Gotta catch 'em all!

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 9:59 pm

Señior's Covenant wrote:Covenant Recommends, not slapping an insult at someone that does more damage to you and your personal associates than to the person at which the insult is aimed at.

Hell, I can laugh at myself sometimes, can't I?

Perhaps I meant that she'd got something off metal VenDetta here...

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Mon May 16, 2005 10:02 pm

Autobloke wrote:
Señior's Covenant wrote:Covenant Recommends, not slapping an insult at someone that does more damage to you and your personal associates than to the person at which the insult is aimed at.
Hell, I can laugh at myself sometimes, can't I?

Perhaps I meant that she'd got something off metal VenDetta here...

TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!

Urm, *ahem*, I mean, clever.

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 10:14 pm

My poor little cornhole. (signs off the 'net and runs away to hide).

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon May 16, 2005 10:14 pm

Autobloke wrote:Perhaps I meant that she'd got something off metal VenDetta here...

Yeah she did, fifty quid round the back of a skip.

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Mon May 16, 2005 10:17 pm

Dude! She's sat like five feet away from me.
And she gave you the cheap rate out of pity for your tiny manhood.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon May 16, 2005 11:38 pm

It's true - I got a cheap men's anorak from Milletts, and the bit at the top that covers your head when it rains is miniscule

or something

Post by **Denyer** » Tue May 17, 2005 2:55 am

Best First wrote:must say i usually find 'lads mags' rather pathatically unamusing.

Is there more than one? I get the distinct impression* there's only ever been one issue of any of them, the content of which is recycled month after month and some different pictures chosen occasionally.

*From a sample stack that sat in a shared kitchen for a while...

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Tue May 17, 2005 8:08 am

They used to be pretty good - early Loaded and the version of FHM that competed with it acually had articles and stuff. I got FHM the other month because it had a free razor attached to it and was stumped to find anything that wasn't half a page long or less, or an advertational presentation for some company or other...

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Tue May 17, 2005 8:32 am

By the way, I have done the 'chuck it out of a window' method. But to be fair, I was only 16, and in a rush.

Post by **Best First** » Tue May 17, 2005 9:44 am

Denyer wrote:
Best First wrote:must say i usually find 'lads mags' rather pathatically unamusing.
Is there more than one? I get the distinct impression* there's only ever been one issue of any of them, the content of which is recycled month after month and some different pictures chosen occasionally.

i cannot help but see your point.

As for why i referenced them, mainly as Ab said. "i thought i would wright something like this for them"

as suggested in another topic maybe this isn't the kind of content we shopudl aspire to?

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:07 am

Best First wrote:As for why i referenced them, mainly as Ab said. "i thought i would wright something like this for them"

as suggested in another topic maybe this isn't the kind of content we shopudl aspire to?

Which is why I only got as far as writing this one and decided not to bother doing others.

TransFans.co.uk

Tip Top(ics)

Too offensive?