Over

[Best First]

My fiance of 3 years (and gf for 2 years before that) has left me.

Some of you know we had problems about a year and a half ago, and i guess things never really got better, or back to being consistantly good. We have been arguing a lot recently and there have been issues in the bedroom. But i have alwys told myself that things would get better eventually - i really believe we are meant to be - even tho i know that is stupid.

She has threatened to leave before but always changed her mind.

But this time she means it - i can feel it. She says she loves me, but she isn't in love with me anymore, and that she has lost all hope that those feelings will come back. So this morning she left to go to a friends.

My parents were good enough to come over from York and i went back with them - i don't know what will happen next - i think she is going to ring tomorrow to discuss practicalities. Practicalities - it all feels so final already. I am dreading the call. It is so hard for me not to just bombard her with calls and texts right now - begging her to stay.

I love this girl with all my heart. i feel we are meant to be. The thought of being without her kills me - the thought of her with someone else is worse. She is my best friend but i don't think i can be part of her life anymore, if i am not the central person in that life. So i am losing my lover and my friend in one go. I feel as if my whole future has gone up in smoke. I feel as if i am drowning.

I don't know what to do or how to cope. i don't know hoe to get over her, and i don't know how to get her back. i can't believe its over. i don't want to believe its over. But i think it is.

[Brendocon]

i really believe we are meant to be - even tho i know that is stupid.

It's not stupid.

I really have not got the faintest clue what to say, mate. I don't think there's much I could say that would really help anyway.

But, as I said this morning, if you need somebody to talk to, just say the word.

And I know that everybody (of consequence) here's gutted for you and has nothing but the best wishes for you.

[Kaylee]

Oh Paul....

I'm thinking of you very very much...

Give me 10 while I go write something more meaningful.

[Kaylee]

My fiance of 3 years (and gf for 2 years before that) has left me.

Some of you know we had problems about a year and a half ago, and i guess things never really got better, or back to being consistantly good. We have been arguing a lot recently and there have been issues in the bedroom. But i have alwys told myself that things would get better eventually - i really believe we are meant to be - even tho i know that is stupid.

She has threatened to leave before but always changed her mind.

But this time she means it - i can feel it. She says she loves me, but she isn't in love with me anymore, and that she has lost all hope that those feelings will come back. So this morning she left to go to a friends.

My parents were good enough to come over from York and i went back with them - i don't know what will happen next - i think she is going to ring tomorrow to discuss practicalities. Practicalities - it all feels so final already. I am dreading the call. It is so hard for me not to just bombard her with calls and texts right now - begging her to stay.

I love this girl with all my heart. i feel we are meant to be. The thought of being without her kills me - the thought of her with someone else is worse. She is my best friend but i don't think i can be part of her life anymore, if i am not the central person in that life. So i am losing my lover and my friend in one go. I feel as if my whole future has gone up in smoke. I feel as if i am drowning.

I don't know what to do or how to cope. i don't know hoe to get over her, and i don't know how to get her back. i can't believe its over. i don't want to believe its over. But i think it is.

Paul, sweety, if it will help I can give you some of my home-spun claptrap wisdom.

I don't think you're losing a friend... she loves you. She's said that, and I believe her because I think there are lots of people who love you. She is your friend and if she really does love you then she always will be. Your relationship isn't over, it's just changed dynamic.

I know how it feels to want to talk to someone. I'm sure most people do.

To have all that pain and feeling inside... like you have all the will in the world to turn the world on its head and put everything back in the order you think it should be in, you just don't have the power to do it.

All I can suggest is just let her know how you feel. If she really wants it to end, and for what its worth it sounds like she does, then telling her the truth and you parting with no unspoken words lingering between you can't do anything bad, I don't think.

Take your time, take hours if need be. Work out what you want to say- write it down, phone her, text her, whatever you feel comfortable with. Tell her what you need to tell her, but make sure thats all. Don't let yourself come back to this over the next few days and think "damn, I wish I'd said..." and similarly don't try and change her mind or affect her- she will do what she needs to do regardless.

Be strong as you can, and... maybe not yet, maybe not tomorrow... but in a while, when you think about this, maybe you might think to be happy that you have a friend who loves you like she does even if you are not lovers.

Other than that, all I can suggest is cry. Because crying helps It lets emotion out, so it stops tearing at you inside. If you need someone to listen to you, which also helps, PM me and you can have my number. If not me, you've got lots of friends who will listen I'm sure.

I guess that's all I've got to say. Ignore/take me up on it as you choose

Tell her what you need to tell her, cry and let it all out, and then when you've finished letting your sorrow out for this thing that you can't have (a relationship with her), maybe be happy that you had the times you had, remember the memories (a wise man once said "happiness is not something we experience, its something we remember") and be glad you still have her for a good friend who cares about you very much.

Just like we do here.

Be good.

Or better yet:

Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be extinct :)

[snarl]

I'm gutted for you mate.

Dont really know what to say.

It is tragic when good people suffer.

I dont know if I can offer a rational response as I dont know the two of you as a couple. I'm hurt to know you're upset, If I were with you know I'd do my best to remind you what a top bloke you are.

I could offer you Spaced quotes, but I dont think it's the time to joke is it?

Are any of your buddies around? I'd suggest getting together with your mates in the short term.

[Optimus Prime Rib]

Man Paul, Im sorry man. If you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. Ill write something better when Im back from work. Chin up man.

[Jetfire]

BF, Paul I'm sorry man.

I'm not talented like Karl here in geting the right thing written down. But in refence to what he said, my sentiments exactly.

All I can say is I hope for the best and Pray for you. I hope your mates step in and make sure your alright and I'm glad your parents are supporting you. It's no consolation, but I hope it helps.

[Computron]

I'm sorry Paul, I really am.

I really don't know what to say.

I'm pretty sure you know we're here for you and here's hoping that in time you'll heal.

Hang in there.

[Redstreak]

Anything you need, Paul. Just let me know.


--Jason

[Best First]

thank you all so much. I'm at an utter loss here but everyone's support means so much to me.

Karl i would especially like to thank for the time and thought that went into your post - i hope i can be mature enough to keep her as a friend but i don't know if i can deal with my jeolousy if she ever has another in her life - i am a jealous person, and an emotional one - i had high school crushes based on little or noting that lasted for years - but i have known ture love with Rachel and i am so scared that if i cannot get her back that i will just never get over her. The letter is a good idea - saying what i have to say. I've been crying all day tho and it doesn't fell much better.

I don't know whether to go to work on monday or not. Extra fun dynamic of living in manchester but working in london. I want to be busy, but i wory i will just brood and maybe breakdown. And Christmas in the mix. Brilliant.

I am so grateful for my wondeful parents. All my friends here and elswhere have been wonderful as well - hopefully i am seeing some friends tomorrow.

But I feel like Buffy does when Angel turns evil.

Usually when i feel bad she is the person i go to for affection - but i can't.

i'm sorry - i feel so silly typing al this.

[spiderfrommars]

i'm sorry - i feel so silly typing al this.

Don't apologise mate.

And don't forget how many good things you still have going for you. And how you make a difference, how you make people happy.

You feel crap now, but a time will come when you won't.

You're truly a great guy and I'm so chuffed to know you Paul.

And thats my clumsy way of saying, take care.

[Tired Tracks]

Sorry Paul

Being jealous is natural, but there IS a time and place for it. Jealousy can be easier to deal with if you (as I beleive you do) really want Rachel to be happy. Of course it doesn't mean you don't feel bad, but would you rather marry someone that you love and is 100% sure they love you, or have to deal with an unsure spouse?

I agree with Karl, crying is good.
Going to work is probably a good idea too. It may keep your mind occupied and if need be, there must be someone that can cover for you, or communicate your problem to at work, so that you can take a break if need be.
Good luck man, be strong.

[Kaylee]

as spidey said, you're not silly at all- I'm glad you came here to tell us I would have been sad if you hadn't, and I think so would everyone else

Work is very much up to you, on the one side it is something to think about other than immediate problems and it gives you people to talk to.

On the other hand thinking about things can be good, it can help put your thoughts in order.

There's not much in it really.

Crying is a good thing, because it lets out emotion which otherwise would be all bottled up and cause problems later on, so that is a very healthy thing

I'm not sure what to say about true love... all I can say is that if it were me, and I've been laid low before although I wouldn't like to compare as all things are different for everyone, I remember Master Denyer's words of wisdom: people are irreplaceable, but the parts they play in our lives are not.

Speaking as a Buddhist, which I now think I qualify as (albeit a new student) it might help to remember that love doesn't come from outside... it comes from inside. It's a part of you. It's something you have controls over. Obviously we can't control it, but we have some argument in how it works. If you really don't believe you will find true love again, then you might just make it come true. And, of course, vice versa.

But that's all miles away now, and my meandering philosophy is way ahead of itself.

Worry about the here and now, and how you feel this instant. The past is unchangeable, the future will work out if you live the present as best as you are able, imo

And don't worry about her finding someone else. That's not happened yet, and won't happen within the next few days either (I would have thought). So don't worry about that right now.

Keep your head above water, and I shall be pompous and speak for everyone: check back in and say whatever you need to. I'll listen and so will lots of others, because we all love you

[Impactor returns 2.0]

Karl always has a way with words in times like this.

Damm mate, I have been in a similar situation before, and its anoying pain - I hate it to. and im sorry u have to go through this.
It does get better tho.

**** I got thing id like to say in my head, but im not good at getting them down on here, id like to think I can say somthing and your gonna feel better, but i know its not that simple. all i can suggest is u stay busy, with friends and keep your chin up - you have nothing to feel silly about, broken hearts are not a silly matter.

Take care of yourself, im always here as you know, if you need me.

[Metal Vendetta]

Paul, just got in. Right with you, mate.

Any time you need, you know just call me.

[Nebbie]

*hugs* We're all here for you hon

[Computron]

Don't feel silly Paul, you're going through an extremely tough and emotionally draining moment in your life. If you second guess yourself and treat your pain as "silly" then you are just hurting yourself in the long run.

You have a huge safety net here at Transfans, along with your parents and close friends and family in the UK. Don't be afraid to take advantage of those opportunities to heal.

You will get through this. It'll hurt for now, but in the end you must believe that you will get through this.


*Damn Karl, ever thought of a career as a therapist? Impressive.

**This site is amazing. It's like a warm security blanket when you really need it.

[Pissin' Poonani]

I'm really sorry Paul-having been there myself I wish I could offer some advice to just make all the pain go away, but unfortunately, the only honest bit of advice I can give is to give it time.

Sorry mate.

[Optimus Prime Rib]

Paul I dont know if this helps, but I will share my story.

When I was in college I was in love, madly in love with a girl by the name of Shelley. We were in the same major(music ed) and had the exact same schedule. She was a vocalist, I was a saxophonist and that was about the only difference in our lives. In the spring semester of our second year, she breaks everything off, while we are making love. She put her clothes on, and walked out of my life. It was at that point that I found who my best friend in the world is, a guy named Corey (who FINALLY graduates college next week w00t!). She would go on to finish school, I would take her engagement ring back and drink my way out of college.

I called Corey bawling like a baby and he left work to come hang out with me.He helped me through the pain and humiliation when she began dating friends of mine. We have always kept in touch and I can honestly say I would take a bullet for him. He is proof that friends can get you through anything.


Fast forward 3 years. I have had a few disasterous relationships, and alot of just plain sport sex. I go to a party with the pure idea of getting drunk and laid. Then this vision of beauty walks up to me and says "Arent you the guy everyone calls 'Jo-Evil'?(yes I know.. it was my nickname for some reason)" I stammer out a response, losing my cool facade and her friend pulls her away. I never thought I would see her again.

I finally found her online about 6 months later and drove through a HORRIBLE rainstorm just to see her again.

Weve been married now for a year, been together for 3 years, and have 2 wonderful children, Koen and Mykal.

I still think of Shelley sometimes, but now its to wonder what shes doing with her life, and to hope she has found someone who makes her as happy as Jessy makes me.

I dont know if that helps at all man. I just wanted to show you that it does get better and good things DO come to those who wait. You have always come across as a good soul Paul. Look to your friends and family for support. Look within yourself for strength. And look to the internet for free Pr0n

[Denyer]

i hope i can be mature enough to keep her as a friend but i don't know if i can deal with my jeolousy if she ever has another in her life - i am a jealous person, and an emotional one - i had high school crushes based on little or noting that lasted for years - but i have known ture love with Rachel and i am so scared that if i cannot get her back that i will just never get over her. The letter is a good idea

You can. It's do-able. But for now, yep, the letter is an excellent idea. The biggest regrets aren't usually things we've done but things we left undone. Say everything you can. And don't let hands-off be a withdrawal; you want her to be happy, wherever that takes her, but that doesn't mean you want her to go or that you're indifferent.

*hugs*

Damn Karl, ever thought of a career as a therapist?

Indeed, bloody impressive, esp. so for eleven minutes.

[Best First]

i have no idea how a truly rubbish cartoon, some fair - middling comics and some quite clever toys managed to pull together such a wonderful kind loving group of people. I am overwhelmed, and so grateful. Thank you everyone.

I feel bad when i think of the other problems people here have had and are having - that make my concerns seem trite.

I managed to sleep - i suppose thats a good thing. I feel a bit more resigned today - altho i'm not sure what i'm resigned to yet. I still feel the urge to fight for her. I hope i can do this without making her unhappy. But i don't think i can let go just yet.

people are irreplaceable, but the parts they play in our lives are not.

i find this quote so hard to read - i know deep down that it is true, but i guess my arrogant fantasy was always that my love was different, better somehow (doesn't sound like me at all does it? ). Does knowing this not make everything seem clininical? Less meaningful? I guess i wanted to acknowledge avoiding that at the end of the day we were the reight people at the right time (once) rather than the perfect people for each other full stop. I think i'm still not ready to accept that. I hope it comes.

The past is unchangeable, the future will work out if you live the present as best as you are able, imo

I think that is the wisest thing i have ever read. I'm very bad at carrying regrets around, not letting things go. I still feel guilt over hurting her by going to a strip club years ago for ****'s sake. I'm not sure where i get it from. But as i say that philosphy is something to aspire to. hah - but now i am regtrestting where i have no applied that philosophy as judicously as i could have done i the past. gah.

I think what i really need is a zombie invasion in south manchester next weekend to show how i am in fact th eman she loves. That might work.

*sigh* - i apologise if i become boring - this topic really is helping though. Thank you so much everyone. I love you all.

[Eline]

*hug*

Take care Paul. Just concentrate on the present, try not to worry about what will come. Crying is good, but don't expect it to help. Nothing will help. Only in time the pain will fade a bit. But comfort of friends and family is good, and we will be here for you aswell.

You can try to go to work, you can always go home if you must. Distraction can be nice and make you forget the pain for a while. I did that a lot myself: wushu practise everyday, lots of time with friends, so much to do that there was hardly any time for sleep, even a foolish crush. But there always will be the times when you're alone at home and all the hurt and the pain comes pouncing back onto you.

The good side is, you have had a wonderful time with an amazing woman. You will have lots of good memories of the things you did together. That happiness and love is very precious, not eveyone meets the love of their lives.
But losing it, like a losing good friend who suddenly dies, wasn't supposed to be part of that happiness. And now it is. That is unbearable. But never forget the good things that happened in all those years you spent with that special person. They should have a special place in your heart.

It does not seem possible, and perhaps is should not be possibe, because she means so much to you, but in time the pain will diminish. And you will be able to go on with your life. You will have to, even if you don't want to. And you will be able to smile again, and be happy, even if that has to be without her.

The pain will never completely go away, I think. There will always be moments when it still hurts a lot, but you'll learn to live with it. Your life will go back to normal, but it will never be the same. It can never be the same, of course. But a different life can be a good life too.

One more thing: try to respect her wishes. If she doesn't want to see you for a while, because it hurts too much, give her the time she needs. Seeing her again will be extremely difficult.

For now, take care and hang on.

*hug*

[Optimus Prime Rib]

Paul, didnt mean to lay my past problems down. Was trying to make a point to you. It hurts now.. It might hurt later, but you can and will get beyond it. If it means shipping myself over to manchester in a cardboard box just to kick a drunk in the ballz in front of you to cheer you up Ill do it.. granted youll have to wait until Im wealthy, but Ill do it!

[Galvatron91]

I've been down this same road and all I can do is tell you that no matter what happens, you will get through it. You have a ton of people here to support you! Best wishes on everything!

[Obfleur]

Terrible

I honestly don't know what to say about this, but I know how it feels when you lose your best friend and girlfriend.
I had to break up with my GF a couple of months ago. I kept telling myself "I'm young. There'll be loads of girls in my life - and even though this girl is really special, I'm sure I'll meet someone even more special later on in life."
I tried to keep myself as happy as I could. And I talked really much with my friends, about how I felt, etc. It's good to get it out.

I'm really sorry about this

[Dylan]

Paul, I'm very sorry to hear that. Karl has said a lot of good things already, and I also agree with Eline.

For now, I think you have to be as sincere to yourself as you can be. There are limits, you cannot ask her more than she wants to give. But for the rest, be emotional, be fragile, be honest. You do not have to actually seek out misery, but don't cheat yourself out of dealing with a situation like this. You simply cannot be strong all the time.

Even though I think it's not the time yet, I would like to offer a hint of perspective. There are damn lucky bastards like myself who still occasionally speak their former loves. Eline and I from time to time meet up for a cup of tea or something, and I have to say, that is worth so much. Even though we're not together anymore, certain things have not changed I would say. For me personally there is still a lot of affection, appreciation, sharing of interests etc.

It's so double though. For now, make sure you are not alone, Paul. I'm very glad to hear your parents are there for you. As everyone who posted in this topic, I'm also here for you if you feel like talking.

Take care, Paul. * hug *

[Redstreak]

**This site is amazing. It's like a warm security blanket when you really need it.

Absolutely; I attribute it to how long we've all stuck around here and come back here no matter where anything else has taken us. We have this comfort zone, and we take care of our own. It's a remarkable thing we have here that is unequaled in my experience.

I wish I could chime in with some advice and thoughts like what has been said by Karl and Eline. Other than to say, 'hang in there', I can offer no wisdom as the breakup I dealt with this year with the woman I was with and would have kept for the rest of my life was so strange and bizzare that I never even got to say goodbye. One day she stopped taking my calls and I never saw her again.

Don't let this burden you like that burdened me. Do something, the sooner the better so you don't wind up in a rut, that makes you happy. Something to remind yourself that you know what? You're still here, life will go on, and you'll make it with or without her. Maybe hit a pub, toast one last drink to her, and then get hammered with your friends.

If there's one thing I know, it's the afters, so I hope that helps.

[Kaylee]

haha a zombie invasion? You came to the right place there! Just ask Rob, he was one of the zombies after all

Everyone carries lots of baggage, I think what helped me with all the baggage I carry/carried about is realising why I was carrying it- often to punish myself. I always looked to aportion blame for not getting what I wanted- from relationships, my aspirations etc. because I held these things as objective beliefs, rather than realising that they were subjective; that they were whatever I wanted to make them.

I had grown so used to wanting these things I could never attain, that is to say expecting objective truths out of a subjective world and expecting all my answers and dreams to come from outside, that I blamed myself.

That's why I did/do the same thing- I remember all the bad stuff I've done, and I use it to hit myself over the head with. I actually became exceedingly good at it, because like all things it develops and gets better the more you do it.

Firstly I had to realise that I was doing it, that the reason I felt bad and wouldn't let things go was to punish myself. Then I asked, what am I punishing myself for... really? In an objective sense, why am I punishing myself? And finally, I realised that punishing myself was preventing me from doing what I am capable of.

It took great courage to admit some home truths about myself... which were positive. All good things. I just didn't believe them. Then I started to think that maybe I didn't deserve to punish myself, afterall.

Why am I rattling on about this?

Well I thought it might help... because we all do these things. But so few people ever seem to sit down and think 'why?' If we understand why we're upset, then we can maybe start to learn to deal with it.

To complete my book of great quotes, a wise man once told me:

"All we have of other people are our illusions, and all we ask of other people is that they let us keep them."

I think its very true- I don't think I will ever truly know a person (including myself I think) I only ever see an image of that person filtered through my perceptions. I make objective truths out of that, and make plans and fantasies for the future... I try to live the present to manipulate the world to bringing that future about... then when it doesn't work out that way, I feel grief.

It doesn't stop me doing it- but I learn to recognise when I'm doing it and stop. Maybe in time I'll learn not to do it... maybe not.

Wanting these objectives and fantasies will, in the end, only make us unhappy... if we live for today and do our best in all ways then in the end we'll be happy, I think

I've purposely not made direct reference to your situation there, as that is definitely not my place to do so Just some of the things I've thought about a lot over the last few months, which seemed like such an uphill struggle going nowhere... and then suddenly it all seemed to come far sharper into focus. There might be some words of comfort there for you, and maybe a little hope

The world we see is filtered through our own senses... we never see what's truly out there. Realising that what we see and feel is all in our own heads I don't think is clinical as such... in a sense I think it makes the world we live in and the time spent with those we love more precious- realising that it will not last forever (in the final analysis, all things are transient) and accepting it all for what it is.

I'm sure some wise person at some point must have said something along the lines of-

No journey ever ended without beginning another.

One journey might have ended, but you're at the beginning of the next... and maybe it will be just as or perhaps even more wonderful than the last one!

And that is an encouraging thought

I'm very very glad to be able to offer some support back, for all the times I've come here with my crap looking for a shoulder to cry on. Everyone here is the absolute best

[Optimus Prime Rib]

Everyone here is the absolute best

And Paul is the Best First

[Kaylee]

Everyone here is the absolute best

And Paul is the Best First

It's still my ambition for us all to be in a queue somewhere and someone says "Ladies first!" so I can then say "No- Best First!"