Over

Post by **Best First** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 6:00 pm

the urge to get in tocch and tell her how much i miss her is becoming unbearable.

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 6:01 pm

just get in touch with yourself then mate, and then have a nap. That always worked for me.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 7:01 pm

That's always hard.

Try talking to someone else (us, for example) or go to the gym. Write in your journal, if you have one, or buy a voice recorder to yell at. Or just make yourself some tea, sit on the couch, and cry.

*hug* take care

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 7:25 pm

ugh I hate that feeling too - its silly things like you turn round to show them somthing funny on TV or somthing else trival.

Mate I hope you can find a way through it, I know its hard, xmass must have been horrible for you.

Contact can be a double edge sword tho - you might see her and its like trying to quit smoking, you can bring back alot of feelings you thought you had got over.

Sorry if my words are ****.

Predabot · Post by **Predabot** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:00 pm

Um... It seems like your doing better now, tho.

That's good. Your experiencing some romantic sadness, and it's difficult to fill that up.

But when I feel sad over something I try to fill it up with something else that to me is possitive (hrrm..not always very successfully...) watch a good show in TV, like Monthy Python or joke around with Snarl when he's drunk,

..or...fill the romantic void with erotic happiness.

A fine-looking man like yourself with your talk and svada has no problem scoring at the non-local pub. Get yourself some nookie, cause really, I find that the curressing touch from another human being is probably the best thng in the world.

Don't you all agree?

On a different note,

this topic has 999 views now. (Oh no-es! He's gonna eat your soul!) Lucky your not a religious man, Besters, otherwise one might come to think that some evil fiend (coff*brendocon*coff) is following your life, doing his best to f*ck you up.

No need to worry tho,

as I do believe that thanks to me it now has 1000+ views.

Post by **Best First** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:09 am

yeah so anway, if no one minds i will keep using this topic as a general outlet.

so two days ago the urge to get in touch, asi stated, was unbearable. But i didn't. go me - i was almost proud of myself.

so obviously she sends me a ****ing email teh next day.

the monday before last we met up at my request to sort out stuff like splitting possessions and money. I went in qith quite a hrad line but she was fien about it all and we agred i would keep some stuff, she would take some stuff and i would pay her some cash.

it was wierd as we spent a whole afternoon together - quite a few tears, hugs, etc and tehn irrittatingly at one point she said 'i haven't completely ruled us out'. then i spend ten minutes kissing her goodbye and thats supposed to be it.

except she texts me the next day just to say she is enjoying Firefly, and then i email her to tell her i gotagood preformance grade at work, and then ther are a few more texts about mundane stuff - woo! its like we are friends! And then as i start to get miserable again i realise that i am just setting myself up and i need to stop emailing, texting etc, even if the maisl and texts are not about our relationship. And i knowits going to make me miserable, but its what i have to do. But of course what she said about not ruling us out is haunting me a bit.

So then i get this ****ing email from her saying she wants to take some extra stuff. I was really annoyed and upset by this - i was really happy with the way we had settle dthings, it meant a lot to me and she knew i was finding it hard. i mailed her back saying i wasn't happy changing what we had agreed and didn't want to recieve mails about this sort of thing at work and that she could call early evening or at the weekend. she mails back to say we can talk at the weekend if i like.

then she calls mid evebing while i am out and says that the deal we have is unreasonable and she is not getting much out of it.

i got really pissed off and said that it wasn't fair to agree to stuff and then change her mind. She is getting second hand prices for all the furniture that is worth a damn and taking plenty of the kitchen stuff which i didn't ask for any money for and i am keeping the crappier furniture which will be useful to me in the short term. Then i pointed out that i had paid more rent and more for holidays over the years so haggling over a few hundred quid was a bit of a piss take - which then gets some response about "spoiling memories". Then she says she doesn't want to talk about it any more and hangs up.

Being stupid. i call back - i don't really want to ed things on an arguement for the sake of a few hundred quid.. I say am sorry for getting frustraed and angry but cosndiering what i am going through and considering when she left me she said she would give me whatever support i need to get through this she should cut me some ****ing slack for getting a bit emotional.

This seems to get through to some extent.

We go round a bit more with her saying there is no point in her telling me what she thinsk is fair as i have already made my mind up. But as it goes on i get quite upset and she seems to calm down a bit more and i calm down quite a lot. She says she thinks £800 is fairer, i am currently giving her £600.

I then i tell her that i cant be her friend and i need to stop the texts and teh emaisl and crap as it is breaking me. I can't eb in her life while she is moving on to other people. i tell her if i see her about I tell her i need to hear that we aren't going to fix this and she pretty much says that. So as much as i want otherwsie i think for now and at least a long tiem to come i need her out of my life.

i know we will have to talk a bit over the next few weeks but after that...

i more or less agree to the £800 as i have this annoying tendancy to go spactacularly conciliatory at the end of arguemtns (and then i get pissed off with myself because i think thsi was one of the problems in our relationship) but she says i should think about it. i'm not sure now - i was thinking meet in the middle but i don't klnow if i'm doing it because i think ist afir or because i don't want to end thinsg on a bad note or just because i still love her. £100 is not a lot of money to me but i am a bit sick of feeling like a chump. Mayeb i shouldn't have even called back and just let her be immature about it but i really don't want to end things on a sour note.

But then part of me thinks she is so used to getting her way that we both just treat this like the norm and i am sick of that. But then would i rather just hand over a few extra notes or start teling her everything i think is wrong about her? Pfft. not a great way to end.

Don't know what the hell to do about where to live either. Move to London? Stay in Manc? Buy in Manc? Move into a shared house? **** knows.

gah.

Predabot · Post by **Predabot** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:30 am

Best First wrote: then i spend ten minutes kissing her goodbye

Keeeeewwll..I wanna kiss a girl for 10 minutes too.

as i have this annoying tendancy to go spactacularly conciliatory at the end of arguemtns

Wait, surely this is only in real-life and in female relationships, right?

Sure don't sound like the Best First that I've seen "in action" here... I'd say your internet-persona is a bit more..un-relenting.

Don't know what the hell to do about where to live either. Move to London? Stay in Manc? Buy in Manc? Move into a shared house? gah.

London is the only way to go baby!

If you don't mind the muggers & the coppers and the smog, and....

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:55 am

I'd buy in Manc. Get on the ladder, it'll make you a lot more attractive to future Mrs. Firsts.

An d I don't think she's being fair on you. Telling you that she hasn't completely ruled you and her out and then saying you're being unfair contacting her seems like doublethink and you'll drive yourself crazy that way. You need to start getting harder if you're going to continue in this vein and not allow yourself the luxury of hope that you'll get back together - it'll only stretch things out and lead to more disappointemnt. Disappointment leads to anger, anger leads to pain, pain leads to impulse-buying Transformers to make yourself feel better.

Keep tough mate.

Post by **Best First** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 12:03 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote:I'd buy in Manc. Get on the ladder, it'll make you a lot more attractive to future Mrs. Firsts.

An d I don't think she's being fair on you. Telling you that she hasn't completely ruled you and her out and then saying you're being unfair contacting her seems like doublethink and you'll drive yourself crazy that way.

not getting in touch any more was my idea, sorry if that was unclear...

You need to start getting harder if you're going to continue in this vein and not allow yourself the luxury of hope that you'll get back together - it'll only stretch things out and lead to more disappointemnt.

...for exactly that reason.

My problem is i don't want ot stop liking her but i think maybe i need to become a bit bitter and angry.

As for being concilaitory... i haven't banned you yet have i?

Post by **Kaylee** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 12:05 pm

Well it might help if you decide that being bitter and angry is part of dealing with the issues- we all do it. We feel full of blame and enmity for the hurt we suffered, it's natural. We only deal with that and lose it when we start working through it and for that we have to accept we've got it

imo.

It doesn't mean you need to start writing her hate mail, just realise that you are very very angry towards her and let those feelings work themselves out.

{hugs and cuddles for bestyboo}

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 12:13 pm

I can't really express what I'm thinking right now (damn me for not being better at the english language). But here it goes.

This might sound crazy; but it doesnt matter if you "end things on a bad note" or if you are the bestest of friends.
She has to understand that you are going through a very hard time right now.
After a couple of months / weeks / whenever you are through dealing with everything, you can email her and say "Im sorry everything ended on a bad note. It wasnt my intention. But I was going through a rough time, I hope you can understand that. All I ask of you right now is that you forgive me, and try to understand why I acted the way I did" (this is what happened between my ex and me, and today we are able to talk to each other without wanting to kill each other).

"'i haven't completely ruled us out'"
I dont like this.
Its like you're a backup or something.
Or she's just saying it to be nice to you.
I think you should forget she even said it - and just move on.
As you said: Stay away from her! No txt, no mail, no phonecalls.
Just focus on yourself, and your own happines.

My ex was cheating on me, so naturally I had to dump her.
I dont know if it's easier to get over someone if they were cheating on you; but the way I delt with things was just to have as much fun as I possibly could!

I know it's hard to try to have fun and stuff after a situation like this - but its worth it.
Tell your mates that you feel like **** and need help.
And you're still young - there's loads of women still out there.
Think positive! Or at least try.

And about the money; Dont be to nice to her.
Tell her that she's just a friend now - and that you cant treat her all "girlfriendly".
"I cant give you 800£, all I can offer is 650/700£. Wanna meet halfways?"
Or something like that.
Dont give in to her demands - it'll only make things worse later.

Take care.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 12:37 pm

Obfleur wrote:And about the money; Dont be to nice to her.
Tell her that she's just a friend now - and that you cant treat her all "girlfriendly".
"I cant give you 800£, all I can offer is 650/700£. Wanna meet halfways?"
Or something like that.
Dont give in to her demands - it'll only make things worse later.

Take care.

I agree. She needs to realise that all this was her call, and that she can't expect you to bend over backwards to accomodate her needs any more.

It sounds to me like you've already been more than fair towards her, and now she's just pushing her luck because she thinks the fact that you still love her gives her some leverage.

Start being fair to yourself-she made the decision to break things off, so she has to live the consequences. When she ended things, she lost any right to expect you to do anything for her. You've conducted yourself in a mature and civilised manner, and under the circumstances she should be grateful.

In the short time I've known you Paul, you treated that girl like ******* royalty-there didn't seem to be any limit to what you were prepared to do to make her happy, but it doesn't mean you have to keep doing so.

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:27 pm

Best First wrote:As for being concilaitory... i haven't banned you yet have i?

Feh, there's plenty of boards out there looking for an Emvee. I just stick around this one 'cause I feel sorry for you.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 2:57 pm

lots of *hugs* Paul

I don't have anything useful to say at the moment.

Be strong, take good care of yourself. It's just you now you have to live with, so be good to yourself.

Post by **Best First** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 4:04 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote:
Best First wrote:As for being concilaitory... i haven't banned you yet have i?
Feh, there's plenty of boards out there looking for an Emvee. I just stick around this one 'cause I feel sorry for you.

didn't mean you mate!

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 4:23 pm

Best First wrote:We go round a bit more with her saying there is no point in her telling me what she thinsk is fair as i have already made my mind up.

... uhm. Isn't this pretty much a role-reversal from when she decided to split up with you? And it was no good you pleading what was fair, as she'd already made her mind up?

I'd play up that point. But as you've already been concilatory, the bitter irony train may have left the station.

As for what to do next - move to Cambridgeshire! Fresh start, clean break, all that stuff. Plus it's cheaper than London. Probably. Or something. But we have no toy shops.

Post by **Best First** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 4:27 pm

Brendocon wrote:
Best First wrote:We go round a bit more with her saying there is no point in her telling me what she thinsk is fair as i have already made my mind up.
... uhm. Isn't this pretty much a role-reversal from when she decided to split up with you? And it was no good you pleading what was fair, as she'd already made her mind up?

i think in the main that bits just an attempt to make me out to be unreasonble for sticking to my guns.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 4:31 pm

Yeah, but I was just kinda heading in the direction that it's a bit of blatant hipocrisy on her part... or seems that way from here.

"I'm strong willed and resolute - you're stubborn and pigheaded" kinda deal. Blahdeblahdeblah. Feel free to ignore me!

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 5:01 pm

One from the QDB that I found quite appropriate...

#389536 +(753)- [X]

<Foxx> im never fallin in love
<Foxx> i've decided
<FuriousC> you dont choose who you love, love chooses you
<FuriousC> and that little ******* son of a bitch sticks itself to your face like the godless bloodsucking bastards in Alien and refuses to let go until it has drained your soul and left you an empty shell of a human being

Also while searching for that, I found this one:

#46630 +(62)- [X]

<_Godless_> what can say to the ex that killed a part of you that you'll never get back ... with out souding bitter?

Predabot · Post by **Predabot** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 6:55 pm

Best First wrote: didn't mean you EmmVee!

Sure you did.

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:34 pm

Yeah, the "I haven't completly ruled us out yet" line is totallly evil. It's like just when your wound is beginning to scab over, she opens it up again.

Basically, the question is, "Is not fighting anymore (at the extent of her winning the last fight) and getting a bit closer to closure (except you're going to be feeling that she got one last one over on you, considering that you said her needy dynamic was part of your relationship) worth 100 pounds?"

Post by **Best First** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 10:11 am

i really don't know what to do about this. looking back i totally backed down on the phone - as usual.

i don't want to end this on a sour note but i think she is being an arsehole and part of me wants to let her know that rather than playing nice.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 10:20 am

I behaved like a total arsehole when I broke up with my ex.
After two, three months I contacted her and told her that I was being an arsehole because of all the emotions (I was still in love with her when I dumped her, etc).
She totally understood and forgave me.

What I'm saying is: Tell her that she's an asshole, if you feel like it..
Just ask for her forgiveness after awhile, and hope that she is mature enough to understand your situation.

Please dont misunderstand this post though - I'm not saying that I enjoyed behaving like an asshole, but I felt like crap, etc etc.
Just as you do. And it's better to get everything out in the open. Be honest.
At least thats the deal with me, and it works for me

Post by **Best First** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 5:19 pm

so.. i wrote here a letter telling her she had hurt me with the way she has handled this and explaining why and clarfied a few other things as well. I think it was all calm and reasonable and if she doesn't like what i've said..

**** it - i think i have a right be be a bit miffed and to let het know.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 5:23 pm

WRiting a letter was a good idea (me thinks).
It's more personal than emails and txt.
And with telephonecalls you have the risk of getting into arguments.

Good luck with it - I hope everything turns out okey...

Post by **Denyer** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 5:59 pm

Shanti418 wrote:the "I haven't completly ruled us out yet" line is totallly evil.

And the best response probably: "Well, I pretty much have. For now, certainly." Not spite, just calmly and firmly indicating you're not going to be f*cked around with dangled carrots.

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:06 pm

Denyer wrote:Not spite, just calmly and firmly indicating you're not going to be f*cked around with dangled carrots.

Literally in some cases.

Post by **Denyer** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:37 pm

Not really advisable; carrots snap very easily.

Post by **Best First** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:55 pm

Denyer wrote:
Shanti418 wrote:the "I haven't completly ruled us out yet" line is totallly evil.
And the best response probably: "Well, I pretty much have. For now, certainly." Not spite, just calmly and firmly indicating you're not going to be f*cked around with dangled carrots.

well, brillaintly, when i referenced it, she didn't remember saying it.

sigh.

Redstreak · Post by **Redstreak** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 5:50 am

I can relate...I dated someone who now claims there never was a relationship, despite all evidence to the contrary. Convenient how they forget so quickly, eh?