The Art Of War #4

[Aardvark]

Ok aside from #2 I've really enjoyed this fluff. Yes at times it's ludicrously stupid but nevertheless fun. I picked up the latest issue a few days ago and here's my thoughts on it;

Firstlythe main points I made in regards to the pages featured in the 5-page preview that I posted "somewhere" else;
All those doubting Seeley's mech-fetish should take a long, hard look at Prime's little Turkish delight.

Sixshot's dialogue is simply dreadful; I'd love to his definition for "Coward".

Best scene out of the selection is that green "Hi and die" character on fire saying "Great Optimus Prime"

The artwork looks like its gone down again. I have a feeling that every second issue in this series will be complete dross, so the finale should be a humdinger.

Still I liked the bit where Menasor crushes the little green man, seeing Prime pummel Astrotrain wasn't too shabby either. And its good to know that reflector wasn't a hallucination i.e. a character being at all recognisable.

Now my thoughts on the rest of the issue (Which was also posted "somewhere" else);

Strange issue but nevertheless an interesting one. It seemed as though it was trying to make an attempt at being intelligent albeit marred by its own stupidity. Having said that this issue received the best writing of the entire series. It wasn't as fun nor was it as enjoyable as #1 and #3 but unlike #2 it was backed up by some strong scripting and surprisingly some intriguing character insights/developments. Now time for pointing out the good and pointing out the bad.... I’ll start with the bad.

BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:

The artwork as per usual was poor; Whereas I've noticed an improvement in the human designs throughout the coarse of the series the Transformers continue to disappoint. The Stunticons still look like Micromasters. The Preds are still very blocky and Rampage is somewhat reminiscent of a Legoman.

Does anyone else find the big group of Autobots at the Gladiator zone a tad odd looking? I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the eclectic choice of characters… Anyway Jetfire is hilariously squished in. What in the hell is going on with Arcee's face on the penultimate page. . And finally in the artwork department, on that very page {And I wasn't sure whether this should go in the bad or good section as its just so damn funny looking} why does Buzzsaw look like he's been hit with a cartoonish novelty hammer?

Now I said there was some good scripting but there was also a fair bit of dross. For starters, Breakdown saying "Crappy" is unbelievably naff however quite apt.

The "ninja trickery" copout is possibly the lowest point of the entire series (Sans anything in #2)

The "Meat computers" nonsense.

It’s a tad annoying that by the 4th issue of the series no one's referred to Firewall by name.

Oh and needless to say the Joes using the bigass Deceptigun was unashamedly nauseating.

Why would the cons have tiny prison cells in their base? Do they hate Micromasters that much?

THE GOOD

Reflector and co is always welcome and Prime pointing his gun at Viewfind was a nice touch.

It’s a fresh approach to Hotrod, having him play more of a serious, leadership role.

WARPATH!!!

Rampage's speech about the "Soft" humans is genuinely creepy.

Serpy is really starting to shine. He received some great characterisation and also some great lines in this issue. I particularly like the line about sympathising with their frustration because of the various men (And what they’ve been through) he's made up of. Loved when he lost it, even if that scene was a gigantic cliché and it was complemented by Serpy apologising (Which was also quite believable) and his subsequent lines (Again a tad clichéd) we’re quite fitting and not at all camp. Serps genuinely comes across as a believable villain with his goals and reasons being clear and furthermore engaging.

Prime despite some dodgy moments was handled well and seems to be portrayed in a more militaristic manner and a tad bit grittier than usual.

Speculation

Will Goldbug undermine Bumblebutt’s death? Will Rodimus appear given that Hotster the Rodster appears to be somewhat competent? Is Cobra Commander's plan going to detract/muddy the whole plot and get in the way of a genuinely enjoyable and interesting villain?

Your thoughts?

[Stormwolf]

I think that this comic is pretty funny (in a cheesy sort of way).

[Best First]

eh - i sort of enjoyed it, in a 'i have no expectations sort of way' - some of the Op stuff was fun, even if he had a tendancy to look rather fat.

The Ninja/meat computers was quite possibly the worst single thing i have read since Oppy P blew himself up over a video game though.

in real comics terms its still guff mind.

[Aardvark]

.

in real comics terms its still guff mind.

It's guff in terms of Transformers albeit somewhat enjoyable guff.

[veritech]

I have been enjoying all of the Devil's Due Tf/Joe crossovers (there have been 3, right?). Are they the most hard hitting realistic stories? no, but then again, we are dealing with 22 year old toy/action figure properties featuring giant sentient robots!! I kinda miss the cartoon take on the TF's.

[Aardvark]

Hmm DW took that route and cocked it up royally

[veritech]

I think that Devil's Due has done a better job with TF than DW did, actually. Not that all DW was bad.

[BB Shockwave]

I read it, must say I enjoyed that they fleshed out some of the obscure Cons - I mean it has been a while since we even saw Nautilator or Brakedown have lines, let alone so many lines...

Serpentor is quite a cool villain, that said I'm absolutely unaware of his JOE comic/cartoon history, so it might be a reharsh. But Hawk calling Megs a glorified gun was a bit hard, even cartoon Megs was more then that...

Poor Sixshot... and that whole attack scene was, well unbelievable. I mean the Bots celebrating while the whole Con army is out there in the neigbourhood, even if splintered?

I agree with Aardvark, the Rampage scene was cool in a scary sort of way. He's my favourite Predacon, anyhow.

With two issues to go, this can go real good or real bad - so far, all the other Joe crossovers, especially DW's failed at delivering a good ending and rushed it up.

[Aardvark]

I'm hoping Cobra Commander's plot (My God he's such a cartoonish super-villain) doesn't detract from the main story. And I hope they save the "Bug" for the next arc, presuming there is one...

Disturbingly, I actually hope there will be another arc. It may be fluff, but so is candyfloss and so are the white clouds amidst the blue sky on a hot summer’s day…

[inflatable dalek]

And because I loved it I'm cuting and pasting a post of mine from the archive:

That's another thing I didn't get- You're going up against the entire Decepticon army, and you take Cliffjumper and Warpath on the team... Even if it's meant to be more a stealthy extraction mission they'd still not be much use:

Prowl: Shhhh, now, as we aproach the Predacon base, we'll very quietly sneak in on the back of these vans installing the new human sized cells, very, very quietly...

Warpath: ZOW! OKAY! BANG! PROWL! KEBAMOY!

Prowl: Shhhhhhh... Stealth is very important...

Cliffjumper: I see Megatron! Oh, Oh, let me shoot him with my comedy oversized weapon!

Prowl: That's Ultra Magnus! And you still managed to miss him and hit that bloke who looks a bit like Jetfire instead... Oh hell, here comes Breakdown...

Breakdown:[comedy Cockney accent] I brought you some orange Sherbert...

Prowl: Phew, he's ben Ninja'd! Now, before we loose the element of suprise...

Warpath: BANG! HONKEY TONK! I LOVE! ZEBOOM! ORANGE SHERBERT!

Cliffjumper: I see dead people! Shoot them all! You won't take me alive!

Prowl: Oh for Primus' sake, you just killed Brawn. And he wasn't even on the team.

Ultra Magnus: Well at least we now have a definative answer to that question.

Warpath: HONK! HONK!

I susepct Hot Rod has a cunning plan to make sure Prime doesn't get rescued...

[Predabot]

Well, I just read it, and the thing that was spoken earlier about the art being atrocious? This time it might just be true...

I don't know if it's the 'inking', that appears to be poorly done in Photoshop, but somethings clearly up with Ng's art this time, and it seems to be a continous trend. The story continues in an even fashion for this series, except for the ninja mind-trick(??) that Snake Eyes used it's decently fun.

[Aardvark]

The artwork varies from being bad to adequate however #2 was noticeably bad. Perhaps "too many artists spoil the broth"

Dalekisms

I thought sigging it would have been enough.

[inflatable dalek]

Dalekisms

I thought sigging it would have been enough.

Well, considering the dross I normally write my one genuinly good post should be cherished and loved.

[veritech]

Can someone please explain the Ninja mind trick?? It looks like Snake eyes shows the Deceps his eye and the one loses it and startes shooting at the others. I just can't wrap my meat computer . . . er . . . brain around this whole concept.

By the way, what happened to the big reveal at the end of G.I.Joe/Transformers 2 with Cobra-La and Unicron? That would totally be a wacky combo. But I would be more interested in seeing Cobra-La than Unicron (he's been done to death).

[inflatable dalek]

And for your reading pleasure, a spoof of the first issue I did for the Archive:


Transformers Vs. GI Joe: The Art of War Issue 1 Spoof Script By The Inflatable Dalek

We open on a big close up on Megatron, battered, deformed and disfigured

Caption: Megatron: Known as Ol'Bucket Head, The Guy From That Cartoon and GUNNNN NUTTTT TTTTAAANNNKKKK. The once great Decepticon is now simply known as... Drawn by Ng.

Megatron: Pssssk I still functionnnnnnnnnnn...

We pull back to see that Megs is now just a head in a jar in a lab that in no way resembles Stargate command. Observing him are Fundamentally Misguided Scientist and Complete Bastard Scientist.

FMS: What exactly is wrong with him?

Megatron: faaawwwkkkkk... My bare hands!

CBS It's called Brad Mick Syndrome, where a Transformer can't stop quoting The Transformers: The Movie for no readily apparent reason...

Megatron: Friend find look behind!

CBS: Even when it's not their lines. Still, we don't need him now we've used to build our fantastic new Super Soldier who can't possibly go wrong and turn against us at any point.

FMS: Tell me Complete bastard, do you ever wonder if there was some things man was not meant to know?

CBS: Why, no, no I don't.

FMS: It’s just that, if we don't want G.I Joe or the Autobots to know we didn't destroy him as agreed should we be keeping Megatron in a Joe base about to be visited by some Autobots?

CBS: Don't worry- Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Megatron: I’ve got better things to do tonight than...zzzzzzzkkkkkkkkk.... Taste my wrath!

We cut to a higher level in this top-secret hush hush base, which also in no way resembles Stargate command

Mainframe: Right everybody! Polish that Warpgate! Get those photocopies of Gung Ho's arse of the wall! We need to make this place look **** hot for those visiting Autobots! Anyone who isn't an instantly recognisable Joe go hide in the cellar! Except you Firewall, you're obscure but hot, so you can stay.

Firewall: All my life I've wanted to have a main role in a Joe comic... Gawd bless you Sir. How can I repay you?

Mainframe See me in my office latter...

Grimlock, Perceptor and Arcee enter the hanger, looking around in awe and amazement. Bumblebee also enters staring firmly at Arcee's chest.

Bumblebee: My, you have beautiful eyes Arcee.

Arcee: Why thank you Bumblebee, you're so short I didn't think you were tall enough to see my eyes...

Grimlock: Me Grimlock say "Eyes" slang for...

Mainframe: ...Bits and pieces cleaned of the floor now! Perceptor! Good to see you again me old mucker!

Perceptor: It’s good to see you again Mainframe, Hawk... Bumblebee, have you suffered a malfunction?

Bumblebee: Mmmmmmmmm.... tits. Sorry Perceptor?

Perceptor: You seem to be leaking lubricant from your groinal socket. I would see Chief Surgeon Ratchet upon our return. Anyway our Joe allies, Optimus Prime couldn't be here today, so here's a message he made earlier:

A holographic image emerges from Perceptors telescope, showing the Autobot leader in full commanding glory. There is a large party going on around him and he is wearing a Kiss Me Quick hat.

Optimus Prime: Greetings humans, I, Optimus Prime, could not be there as we're currently planning a big old piss up to celebrate the end of the war. I need to get the entire population plastered in case they remember they live in a military dictatorship and try to replace me with some democratic bollocks now we live in peace. Firstly I must thank you for your help in ending the conflict. Some soldiers would feel embarrassed and humiliated about fighting for 50 billion years without end only for some tiny flesh creatures to finish the war in about half an hour, but I of course do not. Nor would I be so annoyed at being shown up that I'd do anything petty and vindictive. Anyway, we want all those cool robosuits and guns we gave you back now, or we send the bailiffs round. Love and kisses, the Great Optimus Prime.

Optimus joins on the end of a conga and dances of as the message ends. Scarlett, Roadblock and Snake-Eyes are standing by their tall, imposing and colour co-ordinated battle suits. Scarlett is stroking the gun of hers suggestively and winking at Snake-Eyes

Scarlett: It's a shame we've got to get rid of these big boys... I love riding on mine. You wanna come for a ride Snake-Eyes?

Roadblock: [Whispering] Errrrrr, Snakey, doesn't she know you're gay?

Snake-Eyes: Well darling, you'd have thought all those trips to San Francisco with Gung Ho would have given her a hint. I don't even think she realises the reason I wear this mask is because my make up is against regulations. And I can't go out on the battlefield and risk being seen without lots of lovely lippy on.

Roadblock: Well, she is ginger... ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Suddenly the base is rocked by a huge explosion

Roadblock: But how could anyone have found our top secret base?

We cut outside to a close up of the base entry sign which reads:

Welcome To Area 51- GI Joe Headquarters and Base for Illegal Misuse of Alien Technology. General Hawk Commanding. Tours Every Hour On The Hour

Cobra Commander, Zartan and a lot of B.A.T's are standing beside it.

Cobra Commander: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My genius has uncovered the location of their secret base! Let the slaughter begin! Zartan, where did you come from?

Zartan: Err, I've been here for ten minuets. I brought you a cup of tea...

Cobra Commander: You master of disguise you!

Zartan: I'm not wearing a disguise...

Cobra Commander: B.A.T's merge and form Cobratron!

The B.A.T's combine to forma giant, imposing robot.

Cobratron: Nothing can withstand the might of Cobratron!!!

Cobra Commander: Quick Zartan... Err, Zartan, where have you gone?

Zartan: I'm right here!

Cobra Commander: Ah, you're cunning new disguise fooled me again...

Zartan: I'm not wearing a disguise! I'm not even a disguise expert! I make the tea!

Cobra Commander: Yes, your tea boy disguise is also very good. Now, if your sister is right, they keep a spare key to the back door under the welcome mat... lets sneak in whilst everyone's distracted. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.

As the Commander and tea boy find the key and sneak in, Bumblebee is the first Autobot to come out of the front of the base.

Bumblebee: Damn lubricant leakage... Hmmm, where is that hoody and KISS fan club member going? I suppose I could go get the others... But no, I'll go after them alone without back up and with no one knowing where I am. That always works out for me, and if I do something heroic Arcee might tighten my lubricant pipe for me.

As he runs into the back door, the other Autobots, along with Scarlett, Snake-Eyes, Hawk and Roadblock in their Super Robot suits emerge.

Perceptor: Goodness! A new combiner, how can we hasten it's destruction?


Snake-Eyes: I've no idea Ducky.

Hawk: It's alright, we humans have this thing called "Star Trek" that teaches us how to make computers explode... Hey! Cobratron! Everything I say is a lie, including what I just said!

Cobratron: If everything you say is a lie that means when you say you are lying you are lying which means you are telling the truth but in that case you are lying when you say you are lying but that means you are telling the trrrrrruuuuthhhhhh... DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR ERROR! ILLOGICAL! DOES NOT COMPUTE! VISION IS IMPARED CANNOT SEE! VISION IS IMPARED CANNOT SEE! ILLOGICALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cobratron explodes with a mighty bang.

Hawk: Thank God that worked, plan B would have been "let me teach you this Earth thing called love".

Grimlock: Me Grimlock say it lucky our brains to smart to fall for that.

Perceptor: ...must be true, but that means you are lying which means you must be telling the truth, but you cannot be...

Grimlock: Me Grimlock say he get like this sometimes. There cure though. Perceptor, Me Grimlock say Thundercracker became Cyclonus.

Perceptor: ...lying... Hmmm, that's utter nonsense Grimlock, a close visual examination of the scene in question reveals that Bombshell starts to change just as Unicron says Cyclonus' name. Therefore Thundercracker was clearly Armada. however, I will entertain the possibility of a Insecticon clone. Now, where's Bumblebee gone?

Inside the base, FMS and CBS are running around Megatron's head. Dr. Razana- Zarana in a white coat and fake beard, is watching.

Megatron: You might find a anaconda, a giraffe or kangaroo, but you'll never find a Nessie in the Zoo...

CBS: What the hell's wrong with him now?

FMS: The explosions seem to have knocked him out of Brad Mick mode and into "TV theme tunes" mode. Dr. Razana, why are you pulling a gun on us, the enemies outside Mister!

Megatron: Your letter was only the start of it, one letter and now you're a part of it...

Zarana: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Quake with fear you small minded fools for I am really Zarana!

CBS: Who? Oh wait, your brother makes the tea for Cobra doesn't he?

Zartan and Cobra Commander rush in.

Zartan: Hey! I also make coffee and provide fruit drinks!

Cobra Commander: Well done Zarana! You and your brother... Where's he gone again?

Zartan: Oh for Bob's sake...

Bumblebee: I shall stop you Cobra Commander! For though I may be the smallest Autobot, I have the most courage!

Zarana picks a piece of fallen rubble up of the floor and throws it at Bumblebee, hitting him square in the groinal socket. He falls instantly to the ground.

Cobra Commander: Of all those robots, this one leaks the most fluid. Now, behold!

He points to a large liquid filled chamber that contains a naked Vin Dissel lookalike.

Cobra Commander: This is Scrot U.M.- A new super soldier who's powers put him amongst the God's, and through him I shall have that power!

The Commander pulls out a gun, shooting open the chamber. The naked man emerges.

Cobra Commander: Greetings Scrot U.M.- I am your new master!

Scrot U.M.: Waaaaaiiiiit, I know you, for I have my father, Megatron's memories... You are Starscream!

Cobra Commander: No! Wait! I thought we'd decided to end all the "Cobra Commander and Starscream have the same voice" in-jokes with this crossover?

Dozens of tentacles emerge from Scrot U.M, and start vigorously tickling the Cobra troops.

Cobra Commander, Zartan and Zarana: He he he he, no stop, ha ha ha ha, you're making me giddy... ha ha!

They eventually collapse exhausted from giggling. Scrot U.M. walks over to a chest and removes what looks uncannily like yellow bondage gear.

Scrot U.M: Hmmmm, designs by George Michael I see. Now, Megatron, my father...

Megatron: Chu-Chucklevision, Chu-Chucklevision...

Scrot U.M.: Let me see your memories.

We see a montage of three memories:

First: The Decepticons fleeing a battle on Earth.
Megatron: Decepticons retreat!

Second, the Decepticons fleeing a battle of Cybetron.
Megatron: Decepticons retreat!

And thirdly, the Decepticons fleeing a battle in space.
Megatron: Decepticons re... How the hell am I talking in space? I'm not Batman!

Scrot U.M: God, I hope I'm illegitimate.

Megatron: Life, is the name of the game, and I want to play the game with you.

Suddenly a fourth memory appears: Prime and Ultra Magnus having a tug of war over the Matrix.

Ultra Magnus: I'm the elder brother, I should lead!

Optimus Prime: You're only my brother in a comic drawn by Pat Lee! It doesn't count you tit!

Scrot U.M.: Clearly this matrix is a source of great power... As I can hardly go about here looking normal, well, unless I go to Hampstead Heath, I shall go to Cybertron and steal the Matrix!

Megatron: I'm ganna be snookering you, snookering you tonight, Big Break!

To Be Continued...

[Kaylee]

Megatron: You might find a anaconda, a giraffe or kangaroo, but you'll never find a Nessie in the Zoo...

You can knock it, you can rock it, you can go to Timbuctoo but you'll never find a Nessie in the zoo!

[BB Shockwave]

The Brad Mick Syndrome... classic!

Maybe we should all go into the parody business and open a Transfans sub-site...

[inflatable dalek]

Megatron: You might find a anaconda, a giraffe or kangaroo, but you'll never find a Nessie in the Zoo...

You can knock it, you can rock it, you can go to Timbuctoo but you'll never find a Nessie in the zoo!

Bless you Sir, for years I've struggled to remember that lyric!

Sadly youtube only has the slightly less good opening song on it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxjqMZd- ... ily%20ness

[JawBreaker]

The Ninja/meat computers was quite possibly the worst single thing i have read since Oppy P blew himself up over a video game though.

I think we are forgetting “Just as you said, darling. The right side, just behind the hinge of the jaw… an inch below the ear.” But the above was on par, if not worse.

And Pred get off my sig... Your going to leave a mark .

[Best First]

The Ninja/meat computers was quite possibly the worst single thing i have read since Oppy P blew himself up over a video game though.

I think we are forgetting “Just as you said, darling. The right side, just behind the hinge of the jaw… an inch below the ear.”

you got a point there.

[Predabot]

I think we are forgetting “Just as you said, darling. The right side, just behind the hinge of the jaw… an inch below the ear.” But the above was on par, if not worse.

And Pred get off my sig... Your going to leave a mark .

Yeah, yeah... I'll just go back to touching up Aarons Sig instead. ( I was going to take Besters sig but it appears as if I deleted his since it was never put to use... bah!)

[spiderfrommars]

Probably the best issue of the bunch. I gather the duologue between Prime and Serpentor was meant to be pretty tense, but as often is the case with these crossovers, I find it very hard to care.

Surprising the art's so bland as its got some decent Dreamwave talent on it (Raiz, Milne, Ng) but deadlines are no doubt playing their part (possibly they're trying to be as generic as possible too so the artist changes aren't too obvious). The first issue (Ng's solo effort) had the best art IMO.

the enemies outside Mister!

And you've reminded me of all that detestible nonsense between Bumblebee and Arcee. Ick.