My (digital) letter to Walkers.

[JawBreaker]

"Dear Monster Munch Family

Recently I have experienced a myriad of varying discrepancies with the quantity (but not quality) of your crunchy, often scrumptious corn based treats included within each bag; this makes not only me but the Pandas I teach to make tender love sad.

Concern fast turned to frustration and disillusionment as the average soon became apparent, a mere 6.35 delicious morsels per bag.

We have calculated that we are owed 46.7 hand shaped snacks of varying flavour.
We would be greatly appreciative if we could be reimbursed for these.

Thank you for your time."




"Dear -Insert name here-

Thank you for your recent email regarding a complaint about Walkers Monster Munch.

To help us investigate this matter, I would be grateful if you could please provide me with all the details within the Best Before date panel, including the 'Best Before Date' and the codes printed below and vertically at the end of the date, which can be found on the packaging.

Can you please also advise me the flavour of the packet and also if it was purchased as part of a multipack (so we can identify the size). If you do have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me on our Freephone number - 0800 274777.

Once I have received this information, I can report the matter to the relevant factory and of course, reply to you and reimburse you properly. In the meantime, thank you for taking the time to bring this to our attention.

Regards Rhiannon
Thomas Consumer Care AdvisorCustomer Services"




"Dear Rhiannon

First and foremost I cannot apologize enough for my frankly lacklustre response time to your delightfully prompt and informative email; I would like to pretend there to be countless viable, borderline whimsical reasons for this oversight but I fear I would be partaking in a crippling masquerade that could only damage our personal relationship when you conclude the physical impossibilities in regards to 'skydiving in space'.

This realization could only complicate resolving the matter detailed in the first email.

The unavoidable sad truth is that I do not tend to keep the empty packets of your fine product that displease or unsatisfied me and so I’m unable to provide you with the codes needed.
Another, less sad, but still mildly upsetting truth is that I can’t walk and drink tea.

Or coffee for that matter and I will assume this will ring true for all hot drinks.

I’ve come to the conclusion this greatly cripples my personal image in a corporate/industrial environment, being seemingly unable to appear both undeniably nonchalant and exceptionally busy at once.

Apparently my mouth is not only lacking the exact shape or suction to create the perfect seal needed to enjoy a hot beverage while in motion but a natural inherent resistance to the volcanic temperatures in play when the lid (which aids the initial problem) is active; apparently (squared) this leaves me in an extreme minority. Can you drink tea on the move?

There must be some way around the problem in regards to the product (yours of course, I don’t expect you to correct someone else’s), perhaps I can provide photographic evidence? Perhaps I can draw what was in my bag! It’s ok, I’m something of an artist and my mum puts all my pictures on the fridge, without exception."

The very next day I was sent a very nice letter with a £1.50 voucher attached.
Working is for chumps.