Jawbreaker talks, Oh my Gosh, being robbed!?

JawBreaker · Post by **JawBreaker** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:45 am

Gods a pretty clever divine, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent deity.

Somewhere along the line, he knew we would take to swimming and being submerged in water.
I pondered this as I sat in the bath and wondered why it was that my internal body wasn’t flooding from the base up.

After working frantically with a chalk board, wrestling numbers and formulas in my leotard, I can only fathom this: that moisture makes everything tense.
Pretty clever God.

Which makes me think, the best defense to rape is to carry a glass of water with you; at first sign of trouble pour it down the inside of your trousers.
Within theory, it should make you a lot harder to abuse!
You can all thank me later when I finally move in and have a mailing address.

Oh yes, did you hear, I finally have a house, I pretty sweet segway from rape don’t you think.
Wait.
That wasn’t what I meant.
But dear Transfans - this is where I need your input!

Ok so I have a house now and it’s all rather sexy; the dwelling only has to house my good fair self and a (moderately sexy at best) Buddy, so space should be pretty sorted. Now, I guess you’re all expecting me to ramble off about life milestones, right?
Well not today chumps. I’m talking about something far more important.

Ok so I have a house (Squared) and I decide go out and do my manly things; dance, drink, pretend to be a nicer person. Ultimately lets pretend I bring back an ill-informed soon to be disillusioned lass to my humble abode.
After much debate, I decide she’s qualified and I let her ride the Jawbreaker train (If only my name really was Jawbreaker, then puns would write themselves!).
The train being my penis.
The passengers being Sperm.
This is a metaphor not without its problems and it’ll be reevaluated for obvious reasons: it requires far too many blue and white striped hats.

SO, this all seems normal so far, no?

Right so, it’s the morning after. Now, question time; someone tell me what’s stopping her from waking up before me (not unusual as I sleep in until 3pm if able), casually picking up my TV and walking out the front door?
Not a huge amount. In fact nothing at all!

So what, am I forced to hit on lass’s with minimal arm strength?
Should I measure this before had to safeguard my belongings.
Ok, say she has a hard time lifting pasta, what about my laptop? Credit card?
Hell, she could steal my soap; the soap is pivotal to my morning routine and her maverick ways could force me to live the remainder of my life in bed!

Ok so maybe it’s a lesson that teaches you only to be involved with people you know the home address of?
That you work beside?
That you trust?!
Is it just me or does this all seem unfair on those of us that enjoy some spontaneous (rare) lovin'?

stranger · Post by **stranger** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:05 am

Are you a Spambot?

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:43 am

Sublimely genius yet incredibly disconcerting.

Post by **Best First** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:18 am

Go to her place.

Then you get sex and an optional TV.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:19 am

And steal her tv. That'll teach the thieving bitch.

[EDIT] Damn your edit-fu, Firsty!

bumblemusprime · Post by **bumblemusprime** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 3:26 pm

Trying to beat Jack Cade for newbie of the year, methinks.

You could tie her to the bed and let her off when you get home. Remember the bedpan.

JawBreaker · Post by **JawBreaker** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:19 pm

Pfft! Pfft I say!
I'm pretty sure i still have one of those newbie of the year thingys circa 2003 (!) I might even have been the first (For what thats worth)!

*Waits for Pred’ to come by and verify*

Maybe the Tv was a bad example; I don't tend to hit on Ukranian hammer throwers.

BB Shockwave · Post by **BB Shockwave** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:19 pm

stranger wrote:Are you a Spambot?

Most eloquent spambot I ever seen...

Btw, lock the door before sex, then hide it. Somewhere safe. Or, set your alarm clock real early.

Or how about you don't have sex with someone you just met 10 minutes ago? There are hookers for that, you know. And you can go to their place (and get robbed, potentially, but still won't lose your TV).

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:48 pm

with first time dates I practise safe sex, ie. the donkey punch method...

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:32 pm

BB Shockwave wrote:Btw, lock the door before sex, then hide it. Somewhere safe.

Obviously somewhere other than its doorway?

Don't forget to hide those windows too!

IronHide · Post by **IronHide** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:48 pm

After considerable examination of your conundrum, I have but one question.

Why is she spending the night after you sex her? Clearly she's served her purpose and theres no real reason to let her get anything else for free.

No freeloader, no chance of her buggering off with your tv while you have your post-coitus snooze.

JawBreaker · Post by **JawBreaker** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:37 pm

Locking the door would most likely lead to (hilarious!) misunderstandings.

Lets, for a moment play make believe and pretend to be the (extremely lucky) lass and lets say your not out to rob me.
You get up a little early and you think about going home, maybe you thinking of making some coffee beforehand, maybe you’ll even make me one!
Maybe some toast?
A little butter?
Some Pastrami?
How sweet are you?

But what’s this, the doors locked?! Oh no! Panic ensues!
Am I planning to keep her in my room as some crazy sex slave(!!)?
I’m no longer getting a delicious sandwich; I’m getting a lamp to the face.
I’m rather attached to both my lamp an (literally) my face and so this turn of events is upsetting.

However!

IronHide wrote:After considerable examination of your conundrum, I have but one question.

Why is she spending the night after you sex her? Clearly she's served her purpose and theres no real reason to let her get anything else for free.

No freeloader, no chance of her buggering off with your tv while you have your post-coitus snooze.

This is a very valid point.
I guess that most for most guys it really is over when its over and the lass is quickly kicked from the house at the first opportune moment.
However. Call me a hopeless romantic but I’m a sucker for waking up next to someone.
Morning breath, bed hair; Hell yes!
Ok. Maybe I’m not that enthusiastic, but!

Plus if she’s been'a drinking and its late you can’t really turf her out, chances are a Taxi (possibly) cost's more than the TV i'm trying to safeguard!
And it all involves getting up; this plans getting worse all the time.
No, she’s staying.

So really. I guess I just need to bite the bullet and.. get to know them first? Or accept that electrical goods are the price I pay.
Going to hers opens a whole new can of worms. And really. having just got my new place, I want to use it!

Ok that sounded odd.
This whole subjects making me sound a little odd..

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:03 pm

Easy solution. Let her see you locking the door, and give her some story about how you keep meaning to get the lock fixed "one of these days", but until then, it's the only way to ensure the door stays shut.

Oh, and hope she's not a locksmith.