This has been the worst day of my life.

Professor Smooth · Post by **Professor Smooth** » Thu Apr 03, 2008 7:58 pm

I know that gets thrown around a lot these days, but I'm serious. The last 24 hours have been the worst of my life. Guess what? Alcohol was involved. No, I didn't get drunk and do something stupid. I stayed sober and now feel the combined guilt of everything that all the drunkards did.

I stopped by boss from molesting two women.

I let my good friend go to a love hotel with a gaijin-chaser.

I tried to stop a co-worker from making an ass of himself and passing out on the street and failed miserably.

Said co-worker went out and screwed somebody he shouldn't have.

I've become reasonably sure that my girlfriend doesn't want to see me anymore.

It goes on like this.

When my friends get back tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to feel even worse. I honestly just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:21 pm

Hey Smooth. Those dudes weren't your responsibility, no need to feel guilty!

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 7:37 am

Totally. The only thing you should even be sweating is your girlfriend. Everything else is a bad day 'cos it's a bit of a headache for you, but not the worst.

No one is dead. You have food and shelter and health. Things could always be worse.

As for your girl, why are you supposing that's the case?

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 10:32 am

Those guys will surely wake up feeling worse than you buddy...

Professor Smooth · Post by **Professor Smooth** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 1:09 pm

The fallout has been a killer.

The drunk guy got some huge heat over what he'd said and done.

I pissed off my boss for obvious reasons.

The friend who went home with the girl regrets it.

A host of other crap has hit the fan.

My (apparently now ex-)girlfriend, after refusing to see me for what will now be two weekends in a row sent me a text-message saying, among other things, that she does not miss me. Subtlety can be hard when English isn't your first language, I suppose.

I can't even blame her. As far as boyfriends go, I'm painfully sub-standard. She deserves better anyway.

Predabot · Post by **Predabot** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:18 pm

Eey, mate. Don't beat yourself up.

People have a responsibility of their own, and yours do not extend to them.

I'm a sober guy myself, and I stopped trying to keep my drunkard-friends out of trouble a long time ago, or looking after them for that matter. I tell 'em every time we go out, "I aint bailing or helping your ass out of anything if yer' super-packered".

Your boss has no reason to be pissed at you btw, because you acted honorably as a true gentleman should ( I know 'gentlemen' have a bad rep on this board, but I don't care). So if he's pissed.. then he's a ******* @$$ and you shouldn't have to take that.

The girlfriend thing sounds kind of mysterious and off-beat tho. Do you feel like sharing with us what happened?

I'm thinking, maybe it's a cultural clash thing? Perhaps you have disgraced her without first realizing it? Other concepts of honor, reputation and such can be very tricky. I know I have a hard time with most other cultures concepts.

Maybe it's a misunderstanding, that perhaps a Japanese friend could give you some advice as how to remedy?

Peace out mate, and be well.

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 5:44 pm

I have found that transcultural marriages produce special kinds of headaches that wouldn't otherwise be there if you married someone of the same culture.

Tried it once, was a pain in the ass. Didn't work. There were just too many differences. Her and her family would think something was important, and I would feel it wasn't and vice versa.

That day, I learned the importance of cultural differences and how they impact a relationship.

Not to say it doesn't work, because obviously it can. It's just that it's hard to reach that same level of understanding with cultural and language gaps. Add to that the normal difference that arise from family unbringing, and you have a potential mess.

That's why, IMO, it's better to marry someone of the same culture of the same race of the same religion with the same socioeconomic status. At least you start with these similiarites, which foster some kind of immediate bond and understanding.

(What did I do with my second marriage? Married someone of a different culture. See how well I listen to my own advice here? Paying for it now too, by the way.

Regarding the drunks, well, as a Muslim I've never had any alcohol, but the consequences of its abuse are readily obvious. The Quran even states that there is good in it, but the evil that comes from it far outweighs the good, and therefore it is expressly forbidden in any quantity. How you can hold yourself responsible for their errors in this regard is beyond me. You are responsible for you, not them.

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 7:29 pm

Yaya wrote: That's why, IMO, it's better to marry someone of the same culture of the same race of the same religion with the same socioeconomic status. At least you start with these similiarites, which foster some kind of immediate bond and understanding.

Sod it, what about someone who is the same height and weight? Hell, I might as well marry a guy, because god knows how I could understand someone with an XX chromosomes, eh? How do you expect me to foster immediate bond and understanding with you, Madam? You have a vagina, yet I have a penis. Clearly we are not meant for each other.

Point being, one of the best fruits of marriage, relationships, or the opposite sex in general is appreciating, understanding, and coexisting with perspectives and viewpoints that are not your own.

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:29 pm

Shanti418 wrote: Point being, one of the best fruits of marriage, relationships, or the opposite sex in general is appreciating, understanding, and coexisting with perspectives and viewpoints that are not your own.

Maybe when you're dealing with a patient, open-minded, tolerant individual who accepts challenges and doesn't care when they are proven wrong, that works.

Let me know when you find a women like this, cause there sure as hell aren't many of them out there.

I mean that kind of person is good for casual conversation, or friendship, but when it comes to being able to stand living with someone, the more similarities, the less conflict and the easier life will be.

IMO, of course.

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Mon Apr 07, 2008 4:37 pm

I'm inclined to disagree. The more differences, the more strengths you can bring to the table.

Break-ups with someone who doesn't have the same first language do tend to lack subtlety, and that's speaking as someone who recently went through one. Don't blame yourself though smooth. When you meet someone who matches your personality better it'll run a lot smoother and you won't feel like a substandard boyfriend. My first Japanese girlfriend was 8 years older than me, and we had a lot of the problems you've mentioned before. Being worried about fitting in so much that it affects your true feelings is a common problem in this culture. Its her problem, and her loss.

sprunkner · Post by **sprunkner** » Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:32 am

Yaya wrote:Maybe when you're dealing with a patient, open-minded, tolerant individual who accepts challenges and doesn't care when they are proven wrong, that works.

I think this describes my wife--of course not all the time. But it doesn't describe me all the time, either.

We're from similar cultural backgrounds in some ways, totally different in others. I'm tired so I'm going to shpiel more about this later.

Post by **Best First** » Wed Apr 09, 2008 8:56 am

Yaya wrote:
I mean that kind of person is good for casual conversation, or friendship, but when it comes to being able to stand living with someone, the more similarities, the less conflict and the easier life will be.

sounds dull.

Agree with Anglo being different brings more strengths to a relationship - plus more opportunities to learn about yourself and grow a bit as a person which is unlikley to be the case with 2 people who approach everything the same way - its in breeding that creates drooling idiots, not cross breeding, and i don't think its particularly hard to find examples that extend that notion from the physical to ideas, culture and relationships.

Also i have to wonder if the criteria of looking for someone who "doesn't care when they are proven wrong" might be a bit telling in terms of your own attitude to relationships. Someone who isn't so concerned about being right all the time might be something they are looking for.

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:33 pm

Best First wrote:
Yaya wrote:
I mean that kind of person is good for casual conversation, or friendship, but when it comes to being able to stand living with someone, the more similarities, the less conflict and the easier life will be.
sounds dull.

Agree with Anglo being different brings more strengths to a relationship - plus more opportunities to learn about yourself and grow a bit as a person which is unlikley to be the case with 2 people who approach everything the same way - its in breeding that creates drooling idiots, not cross breeding, and i don't think its particularly hard to find examples that extend that notion from the physical to ideas, culture and relationships.

Also i have to wonder if the criteria of looking for someone who "doesn't care when they are proven wrong" might be a bit telling in terms of your own attitude to relationships. Someone who isn't so concerned about being right all the time might be something they are looking for.

Depends on what you're after, I suppose.

As most marriages statistically speaking end in divorce, and as I'm into my thirties, no longer a young, adventurous whippersnapper, at this stage I'd rather look for stability in a relationship then excitement.

Being dull is better than being a nightmare, if you ask me.

Lived through one already, going through a second now.

Youth is a wonderful thing, though, isn't it? It affords you the opportunity to take chances, to be more bold, and if things go wrong, the recover from the loss.

I think with age, it's not so easy to recover, to start anew.

Therefore, IMO, the more in common with a person the better off one will be in the long run. And yes, the more boring it will be too.

Post by **Best First** » Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:34 pm

loads of people her3 are late 20s/early 30s mate - doesn't add any weight to your opinions.

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:48 am

Best First wrote:loads of people her3 are late 20s/early 30s mate - doesn't add any weight to your opinions.

Nope, just your waistline. *rimshot* Thank you, Thank you, I'll be here all night!

Yaya wrote:Therefore, IMO, the more in common with a person the better off one will be in the long run. And yes, the more boring it will be too.

Which is WHY you should do as I was suggesting, and just hook up with a bloke. You'll share interests like Transformers, sports, or action movies. You won't mind when the dishes aren't done or when someone lets a fart rip. When you DO have an argument, you can both agree to settle it in a game of cards/pool/darts/arm wrestling. And you'll both have the same junk downstairs! Sounds like a dream relationship, no?

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:27 am

jfsdhf

Professor Smooth · Post by **Professor Smooth** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:37 am

Yaya, I know you're trying to help, and believe me, I appreciate it, but I really do hope you're not as stupid as you come off on this board.

Post by **Best First** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:01 pm

if you appreacite it flaming him probably isn't the best way to show it.

Know you are having a hard time but don't take it out on others regardless of what you think of their opinions.

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:08 pm

Well, I'm one of the almost 30 crowd here, so none of my comments come from being "an adventurous young whippersnapper". They come from experience (not all personal, thank god, some of it is observed), and experience tells me that boredom is one of the quickest ways to a relationship not working out, even if people stay together and lie to each other for years that it is. Yaya, your comments about age came off as, well, a bit ignorant and arrogant there, and your tone sounds like you expect your partner to fall in line rather than stand as your equal.
I just started dating someone who doesn't even speak English (which is my first language, just to be clear). It might work out, it might not, but she seems interesting so in the long run I'd rather be able to at least look back and say I gave it a go than go looking for someone with my background who won't have many opposing viewpoints be they cultural, famlial, or perosonal. Its not youth that affords us these opportunities, its the fact we're still living and breathing. Sure, the scars build up (I recently went through some serious heartbreak so, again, from experience), but if you honestly think that means you should stop trying then I pity you.

Smooth, just out of curiosity, what you up to over Golden Week? You have the week off?

Professor Smooth · Post by **Professor Smooth** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 2:19 pm

angloconvoy wrote:
Smooth, just out of curiosity, what you up to over Golden Week? You have the week off?

I think I've only got four days off because of the dates the GW holidays fall on this year. I'm not sure what I'll do. If this were a few months ago, I'd probably hit up DenDen in Osaka. That's not really my scene anymore. I might see about getting a reservation at a hot spring in Beppu, that's always a good time.

How about you?

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 2:56 pm

dafslajlkf

Post by **Best First** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:18 pm

surely any doctrine that states that people should play a certain role limits their rights?

What if a wife wanted to contribute?

cheuvenism doesn't stop being cheuvenism just because its enshrined in a religion.

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:08 pm

Best First wrote: What if a wife wanted to contribute?

cheuvenism doesn't stop being cheuvenism just because its enshrined in a religion.

If she want's to contribute, there's nothing that says she can't. But if she doesn't want to, I can't force her to.

As far as gender roles restricting rights, that's a whole other discussion.

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 5:07 pm

Ok, I want to reply to some of your points, but can we just be clear on one point, I didn't start in on Islam at any point, I was talking about your personal opinions as you expressed them as an individual, not as a member of a religion. If some of what I'm about to say comes across as harsh then, well so be it, that's how discussions of this nature go. I also want to say I'm not trying to flame unduly, everything is based entirely on what you have chosen to reveal here.

Well, I guess a better word than boring would be predictable. Boring implies negativity, and that's not really what I meant.

Stability and predictability, IMO, work better in the long run than differences, because many end up being irreconciliable.

Stability can be good but completely predictable? Why not just spend time on your own then? The whole point of being with other people is that outside stimulus challenges you in some way.

I'm too busy to deal with marital conflict. I'm a surgeon with in a very pressure filled job and I don't have time or energy to tackle both the challenges of eye surgery that come with my profession and come home to a screaming mimi of a wife.

Regarding your comments about standing equal, here's how it is in my home. I expect my wife to maintain our house, to wash our clothes, to cook some meals now and then, and not fight with me about silly things. And I don't spring this on someone after I marry them. I let them know ahead of time, this is what I want and if she's okay with it.

Sorry, but from that little lot I'm really not surprised that you keep getting divorced. Your comment about your work being so pressure filled, and your need to point out what you do shows you put work first, your comment about "a screaming mimi of a wife" suggests to me that you have little tolerence for your partner when she's feeling the pressures of life. You clearly see yourself as the boss of the household, regardless of your wife's life away from you. They may have an idea of this in advance, but its people's nature that they focus on the parts of a person's personalit that they like and hope others will change.

Now on the surface, you're screaming "male schavenist(sp?) maybe.

But guess what? My wife made six figures (net!) working and I never asked her for a penny of it. She's nets three times as much as I do, but I pay all the bills. Why? Because I see it as my responsibilty as her husband to do so. Sure, I can ask her to chip in. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. But I don't, because in my religion, what a women makes I have no right to, yet she has a God-given that I provide for her financially. So it's not about equality. It's about fulfillling the rights and responsibilites of one'spouse.

(All this stuff about women not having rights in Islam? It's total bullshitt. She keeps her money, and I spend on her. )

In truth, money has very litle to do with keeping a relationship together. You talk as if that's all you're willing to bring to a relationship, and let's face it, if your wife really does earn so well, she doesn't need your money. And I can't help but think, if she loved you, and was doing so well, and you made her feel that although contributing wasn't her duty it was her right, well, she would have done so. Its clearly an unbalanced relationship. I seek equality in a relationship, that's my way, but you have to admit, even without equality, a relationship needs balance. Your description of islam sounds like balance is best achieved in a family with working husband and a housewife. Which incidentally, as a belief system is chauvenistic by definition (though not necessarily bad, many happy homes are run this way).

Pity me, then. We all want different things in life. And we all have different levels of patience.

At this stage, I want some stability in my relationships. I'm not the romancing flamboyant Don Juan kind of guy.

I'm the get-the-job-done-come-home-read-some-comics-fall asleep kind of guy.

I'm hardly a romancing flamboyant kind of guy either and that's not what I meant by not giving up. I meant not giving up on more than just setlling because you think its better than being alone. Again, you call yourself a get-the-job-done kind of guy, and it sounds like you've a lot to be proud of, being an eye surgeon, you sound like its very important to you. But relationships take a hell of a lot of work too, and if being an eye surgeon is the only job you're willing to get done then of course you're going to have a hard time maintaining a successful relationship, even if someone does have a similar background.

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Fri Apr 11, 2008 8:37 pm

Removed

Professor Smooth · Post by **Professor Smooth** » Sat Apr 12, 2008 1:27 am

Yaya, I apologize for the comment.

Can we please not turn this into a religious topic?

Yaya · Post by **Yaya** » Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:31 am

Professor Smooth wrote:Yaya, I apologize for the comment.

Can we please not turn this into a religious topic?

No problem.

And sorry to derail your topic. This was about you, and somehow became about me (and why religion became an issue).

Let's turn it back to you. I normally don't talk about my personal life online.

Professor Smooth · Post by **Professor Smooth** » Sun Apr 13, 2008 1:45 pm

I just got off the phone with her!

Big misunderstanding. She apologized and I completely understood what the problem was.

I've been given a second chance, and this time I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure things go smoothly. She made me want to be a better person, and I'm going to try my damnedest to be that person!

Predabot · Post by **Predabot** » Sun Apr 13, 2008 4:30 pm

Best First wrote:if you appreacite it flaming him probably isn't the best way to show it.

Know you are having a hard time but don't take it out on others regardless of what you think of their opinions.

Paul... this was the single best post I've seen by you on all the incarnations of this board.

Class, sir. Simply class. And coming from me, you should know this is not an attempt at arse-licking.

Professor Smooth wrote:I just got off the phone with her!

Big misunderstanding. She apologized and I completely understood what the problem was.

I've been given a second chance, and this time I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure things go smoothly. She made me want to be a better person, and I'm going to try my damnedest to be that person!

Awesome!

I knew it was some kind of misunderstanding. I'm kind of curious as to the nature of it tho..? Was it cultural? Or was it far more complex and something that's been going on for a long while?

Forgive my enquiries, but I am a terribly curious lad.

Post by **Best First** » Mon Apr 14, 2008 12:30 pm

Professor Smooth wrote:I just got off the phone with her!

Big misunderstanding. She apologized and I completely understood what the problem was.

I've been given a second chance, and this time I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure things go smoothly. She made me want to be a better person, and I'm going to try my damnedest to be that person!

cool. Altho i would council that a relationship will only ever really work if both parties are puting in similar amounts of effort.

Good luck.