midlife crisis?

[Kaylee]

Can you have these at 23? Probably just me being me again, in the absence of a major summer depression (which have come round for the last 5 years like clockwork) I seem to be suffering just major dissatisfaction with my existence.

I feel as if I'm steadily moving away from being a young man and still have nothing of any real note to my name- most people who do great stuff seem to start young.

Not helped by a meeting on Thursday about my Masters research proposal, from which I emerged feeling about 1" tall and utterly stupid after somebody (who presumably had about 14 doctorates) exposed me as having no real idea what I was doing (which was the damn point! I needed help on working out what to research!)

Essentially that's really put me off higher education, the whole vibe of the University there makes me feel like I'm not wanted in general. I might just do my masters at my old Uni for two years.

Other than that I feel like I need to change... stuff to do... I want to join a gym (I like my slender bodyshape but want to be stronger and take personal defence classes) and I want to learn an instrument.

I sing very well (when I try) and have a good sense of rhythme and have wanted for a few years to learn to play an instrument. If I learn keyboards that should be quite versatile, and if nothing else I could in theory put music together on my PC.

No reason I couldn't brush up on a foreign language either, two years is a long enough time to fit a few things in.

Then the master plan is to do a TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) course (which last about a month) then escape this country, which I've increasingly come to dislike for many reasons, and go work in East Asia. I very much fell for Japan when I was there, so I might give that a try.

Whilst doing that, I could continue music as a hobby and try and persue both that and voiceover whilst out there.

In the final analysis I have realised for a few months I'm only running away from myself, but I've basically just resolved to get a damn good headstart. The combination of my high standards and desires for myself with an intense self-loathing and inevitable dissatisfaction with most things around me is very powerful. Although I suppose leaping into new things may be good- eventually I may land somewhere I want to stay.

This isn't majorly important, I've just got lots of things going round my alleged mind and wanted to share them. Any advice to help me in my plans might also be good

I'll try and get the gym and keyboard lessons organised next weekend if I can.

[spiderfrommars]

Good for you Karl. To have lots of aims and the enthusiasm to go out there and do them can only be a good thing.

[Kaylee]

That's my reasoning And if I don't achieve them, at least I'll have learnt enough to take many innocent people to hell with me...

>.> er, I meant hand out lollipops! yes, nice yummy lollipops... all the colours of the rainbow...

{hides childcatcher net}

[Guest]

I'd invest in jellybabies if it were me...

[Professor Smooth]

I had to check the name on this post to make sure it wasn't written by me.

[Kaylee]

I could start the biggest, most scandalous conspiracy theory every by suggesting it was

[Best First]

I could start the biggest, most scandalous conspiracy theory every by suggesting it was

Nah, that would be suggesting that Smooth is actually one of Brend's alt ids.

I'm too pissed to post any advice, but good luck to you matey.

If it helps i think most of us are in similar if not identical vessels.

[Shanti418]

I had to check the name on this post to make sure it wasn't written by me.

I think most of us are in similar if not identical vessels

Ditto and ditto.

[Metal Vendetta]

When I was around your age and in a very similar vessel, I read an article about the "quarter-life crisis", which although it didn't solve much, at least made me feel better that I wasn't the only one, which of course I wasn't and neither are you.

I don't really know what to suggest except to try a few different things and see what you enjoy. Just remember that you're full of potential waiting to be realised.

[Kaylee]

It's depression. I'm being absolutely crushed on the inside... the weight of so many dreams, desires, fantasies and so much pain and disappointment in myself and my existence. It's like being crushed under an avalanche. Everything all hit simultaneously- like an express train at full speed. God christ almighty, help me. It hurts so much. So much I want to be and am not, so much I desire and can't have. I hurt so much. Why is reality this way? I just want to retreat into my dreams and stay there.

My personality will regenerate sooner or later to cope for another six months, but this one is intense and painfully directed at myself. I feel so trapped, suffocated. I don't want to be me, I want to be somebody else.

Don't panic for me, just read and understand is all.. it helps to know I'm not alone, even though I am alone. very alone. don't be fretful for me, i don't want to hurt people, i just need to speak to try and stop everything inside ripping apart. I'm sorry for doing this to you, believe me. Almost as sorry as I am for being me and living my worthless life without courage enough to stop it permanently and not have to worry about it anymore.

im really so sorry for doing this to you, please forgive me. the inside of my head shouldn't be inflicted on anybody.

[Yaya]

It's depression.

That's exactly what it sounds like.

As I'm sure you are aware, depression of the type you are experiencing is not a reflection of your being inadequate in some way. Even the most successful of persons can suffer major depression. In fact, sometimes they suffer it more often.

Its a disease requiring treatment. Often times, pharmacologic treatment.

And it's something many of us face at times, myself included (though not to the extent you seem to be experiencing). But it can be overcome.

Life in general is peaks and valleys.

Always remember than after this valley will come another peak.

While in the valley, seek help. Sometimes what you said above, becoming active, joining a gym, etc. is therapeutic.

Try getting involved in something to help out others in need of help. I have found that by helping others, by focusing on others pain, my own pain will lessen. Not go away. But certainly lessen.

This is how one can get to the next peak.

Help others out. Community service. Hospital work. Food kitchens.

If you haven't tried this, it may be worth a shot.

[Kaylee]

During the day isn't so bad, nighttime is the worst. It hurts all the time, but nighttime is heartbreaking.

[Kaylee]

I feel better now... I'm sorry for putting you all through that (though I'm sure its not done yet but hopefully I can cope with it). It's like being at least three different people sometimes.

[Yaya]

Glad you're feeling better.

You need something to focus on, something that distracts. Otherwise, you will end up being consumed by your illness sometimes.

I really think you should find those in need of help at these times. Yes, it sounds counterintuitive, as you also need help. But doing community or charity work has, for me and for others I know, been of much benefit and in many ways is therapeutic.

Why? Because, one, you are diverted from thoughts of yourself, which in this case is good. Two, you are not alone. Though you may find yourself in the company of those who are not to your liking, or come from different walks of life, still you are not alone. And that's important. Three, such work fosters a feeling of self worth, and though you feel you may not have any during those down times, this work will serve as a reminder that you in fact do make a difference.

Focus.

Of course, with depression as severe as yours, seeking medical assistance cannot be replaced by any of the above. The above can only lessen the pain until you start to climb the next peak.

[Kaylee]

I generally take the crushing lows as penance for the highs... but only when I'm not in a trough can I say that, when I've forgotten how bad they are. I already do charity work, I think a lot of my trouble (and which is made clear through each crash, they allow me to see what I dislike about my life) is I've got lots of stuff to do and I really want to get out and do it, but have been held back. I'm slowly making my mind up that will change very soon.

[spiderfrommars]

Take care Karly.

[Hound]

*big gay hug for Karl*

[Brendocon]

*big gay hug for Karl*

Yeah, one of those from me, too.

But without the gay part.

Unless you want the gay part? [/inappropriate]

[Kaylee]

heehee, it's okay... I think I know what I want to do now.

I also (why I never did it before I don't know) called up the wikipedia page on bipolar depression. I'd guessed I had it for a while, but that was very informative as to symptoms and causes. I feel better for that.

I also feel better having worked out some sort of plan for my future I'm really sorry to have dumped all that on you, but I'm very happy you were here for me, it means a huge amount.

[Legion]

err, think i've missed most of this thread, sorry Karl!!

I also (why I never did it before I don't know) called up the wikipedia page on bipolar depression. I'd guessed I had it for a while, but that was very informative as to symptoms and causes. I feel better for that.

I also feel better having worked out some sort of plan for my future I'm really sorry to have dumped all that on you, but I'm very happy you were here for me, it means a huge amount.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit more positive! It can always help to bounce how you're feeling off of other people, informed or otherwise!

[Kaylee]

I'm in the process of wiping my computer and putting XP back on it. I loved linux, but I know now I don't want to be a computer scientist. I want to get away from everything that involves programming etc.

I might get some money by selling all my books on Ebay :3

[Best First]

take care buddy.

[Kaylee]

I always do Thank you.