Personal Problem

Getaway · Post by **Getaway** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 8:47 pm

Now I normally don't bring my personal issues online, but just this once I have a problem that I really need some advice on.

Basically my second best friend someone who I trusted implicitly thought the world of has completely dropped out of contact with me and while I do still have her home number (mobile appears to have changed) I'm not entirely sure I should ring her as I strongly suspect this might be an intentional seperation by her.

About 2 years ago we had a major falling out because for a short while I had started to wonder if something more could happen, I told her about this after I had stopped having these feelings and she went absolutely mental and didn't talk to me for months. Thing is after that things seemed to calm down and if I ever rang her or bumped into her she was chatty, happy and was just the same as before except that whenever I suggested meeting up for lunch or something she would find an excuse (clearly she was suspicious of my motives despite the fact the were completely genuine) Obviously I was suspicious about this and asked her about this about 9 months back and she said that yes I was still one of her best friends and that she just never had the time with Uni/Job and other mates or BF's taking up what she had. I accepted this for a while, but I'm now almost certain that it was a fib as all contacts from about a year ago to now have been me ringing her or accidentally bumping into her on a night out.

I am obviously confused/upset/angry, but am not suere what to do should I just accept that I have been lied to for last two years, delete her home number and try to move on or should I try her home number to a) get some kind of closure/explanation (bearing in mind she might not want me to ring) or b) Hope that somehow this is still all just a big misunderstanding and she has simply had her phone stolen or something. While I firmly believe that you should not give up on a friendship because it may get a little difficult, I'm no glutton for punishment and would hate to ring just to get abused or told to never ring again or something.

The people I would normally turn to for advise on this subject are my best mate (On Holiday/also jealous of this lass), my dad (died last month) or her so any help would be appreciated.

Hound · Post by **Hound** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:12 pm

Firstly - Big hugs matey. It sounds like it has been a rough couple of months for you.

Secondly, I have been through a similar situation myself. I hated not knowing where I stood and having no control.

All I could do was confront the person in question about it. I didn't get the answers I wanted, but I did get closure.

Post by **Kaylee** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:13 pm

It doesn't sound like she makes you very happy even when she's on best behaviour, so my advice (albeit rather frosty) would be to forget about her. imo whenever you find yourself second-guessing everything like that, you know you're far too attached and chances are your going to wind up getting hurt.

Try to be more casual about it all- take it in your stride I'd suggest. If she calls and your mates again, great. If not, don't chase it. As I said, she sounds like even on her best behaviour she doesn't exactly make the world sunny so don't worry about it. Don't let attachment for its own sake start making you worry about double meanings and things

Good luck. Hopefully someone will have something more productive to advise :3

The Last Autobot · Post by **The Last Autobot** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:30 pm

You can do 2 things:

1) Not calling her

2) Calling her

In the first scenario you may end thinking what if? and those sort of things for a time.

I would say go for the second, is better to know what happens/will happen (either be a "good bye" or "it was a misunderstanding" ) that to elude reality. It may hurt more, but it will bring closure either way.

Its always better to face things, other way they will be always there bugging you.

After all she is the one that loses.

Post by **snarl** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 10:36 pm

I think what Carl says makes a lot of sense. Maybe do what Ben did - personally I wouldnt as for me, if I do get rejected, it feels to me like in a way I've 'lost', but I am pretty competative.

I've been through this kind of thing recently, basically I just deleted all forms of contact I have with this particular person, I found the actual physical impossibility of me being able to contact this person has allowed me to deal with them basically being a ****/rude/selfish.

This person still rings me from time to time and I am more or less am polite, as despite being foul mouthed I generally am a nice bloke. However, I dont persue her, I do my own thing and just generally dont think about them now, bu force of habit.

Dont seek her acceptance - basically, what I think happened with me was that I was convineint for this other person. That could be hard to accept, I just accept it as I have a load of good mates, as do all people (except Sol Campbell) - if she doesnt want to hang out with you then it is her loss, she is the person that is missing out mate.

I'm going to take a guess that this bird is fit. I'm sure every bloke has been suckered by a pretty smile once in a while, and when you see one it can make you feel great. Sex can subconsciously come into the equation but dont let it cloud your jugement.

If your best drinking buddy decided to go blank on you you'd call him a ******* arse, I'll bet. Accept that if you hold the consistent thought that all people earn other people's respect and friendship by treating them properly and not by being attractive, then you'll be coming from a postion of power the nex time you unexpectedly meet her.

If she behaves like you dont exist till you bump into her then acts like everything has been cool, you should see absolutely no problem telling her you've got no time for her small talk and that to be fair, you are merely reacting this way because this is all she deserves from you. There is no need to rant and rave. Just be perfectly nice and calm. Not sinister nice, just take your time and be calm and considered. If you cant think of anything calm and considered, just say "oh hi, I'm in a rush, cant stop! you can phone me later"

Safe to say if she doesn't, she's not worth it.

Hope that helps, might just be the biggest pile of cock since Steve Bruce wrote murder novels though.

*edit*

may I just add that in my case, I didn't just phone or whatever then give up. I gave this person plenty of opportunities to demonstrate that I was a friend to them, they responded far from how I'd like a friend to treat me. I gave the person a week or two to contact me of their own volition, got one or two totally ***** phonecalls that were more along the lines of 'how can you help me' rather then 'how are you then rob'.

I reached my conclusion and then gave this person the old heave ho.

Getaway, I think you've given this persob plenty of chances, they dont deserve your friendship afaic.

Post by **Kaylee** » Thu Apr 20, 2006 10:43 pm

snarl =

summed up perfectly what I, and I think most people, have been through.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 7:04 am

Excellent advice from Snarl.

Getaway · Post by **Getaway** » Fri Apr 21, 2006 8:05 pm

Thanks all and yes snarl that was top a top quality post because it has swayed me, I'm going to delete her home number from my phone and just be done with it. The whole closure thing would probably only result in me being more pissed off than I am now anyway and yes Karl I have been treated pretty shabbily the last 18 months or so. While I've got plenty of drinking buddies she was one of the few proper best mates I had left so thats why I tried to hang on so bad. Once again Cheers all who replied.

saysadie · Post by **saysadie** » Sat Apr 22, 2006 10:17 am

Erm-bit late, but basically I'm going to agree with everything Snarl said. And add that it does sound like she was full of **** and that it sounds particularily scummy, BTW. But that's just how some people are- they don't think/care about how it looks to the other so long as they feel alright. And it makes sense, really, as it helps 'em get along and whatnot but leaves the other feeling like ****. Least, is what it looks like. Best probably leaving it be.

Sorry about your dad btw, big hugs from me also... Don't worry about losing this girl as a friend- people drift. Is the way of things. Is why it's so important to meet more of 'em, imo anyway.

[/4AM]

Post by **snarl** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:34 pm

Ahahahaha!

Un-*******-believable!

So I got an email off the person I was talking about earlier. All very pleasant.

Then a few hours later this person is now phoning me asking for help on some stuff.

Coincidence? I doubt it.

Getaway · Post by **Getaway** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:32 pm

So what are you going to do? Ignore her, put her staight or burn her...not literally or then again....

Post by **snarl** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:48 pm

I was polite, no point arguing. if she then looses contact again it merely re-affirms my belef that she's a fair weather friend. I just told her what she needed to know as I knew it off the top of my head then said 'later, I'm a bit busy'.

Wont be surprised if she wants to meet up for a bit tomorrow, cant be arsed to be honest.

If she asks why she'll get told. If she accepts and persists I might make allowances for another day, if she dont its no loss.

Post by **Best First** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:56 am

Snarl should write for Just 17.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:58 am

Best First wrote:Snarl should write for Just 17.

"Look you ******* stupid bint. Get over it. Or get naked."

Post by **snarl** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 8:23 am

Ha, that would be mint!