Relationship stuffery

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:53 pm

Jalapeno.

So, it's like this good people-I've come for your wise and varied opinions.

It's like this-I got contacted by an ex-girlfriend through Friends Reunited today, and we've been emailing each other for a few hours now.

Here's an overview (hopefully brief) of our relationship:

We went to college together, when we were 16-18 years old. Became best friends, fell in love with each other-I told her how I felt after we had finished college, she said she felt the same but had a boyfriend, blah blah blah-long story short she couldn't handle it and treated me like crap until we no longer spoke (not knocking her-**** happens and I don't hold any ill feelings over it).

We met by accident a few years later, and had a brief but strained relationship-didn't see each other much, and when we did things were awkward and strange-maybe the pressure of unresolved feelings and the way things ended previously-I don't know. I think I put undue pressure on myself as well-I was so worried about getting hurt again that I suppose all I saw was doom, which was assured when I got drunk and cheated on her. Ok, so being drunk isn't an excuse, but the relationship was definately breathing its last few breaths and my infidelity was the clearest sign that things weren't right, but it still doesn't make it ok.

Anyway, to the present. As some of you will know, I have OCD. One of it's many wonderful functions is to make me extremely succeptible to guilt. Another is to give me an overwhelming desire to confess to things. See where I'm going with this?

I have no idea where me and her are going, if anywhere at all-I'm fairly certain I don't even want a relationship-the thing is, should I really be feeling like I have to tell her what happened? She's a nice girl (well, woman I suppose, seeing as were both 30 this year), but at the end of the day it was eight or so years ago. I know what I did was a horrible thing (first and only time-it taught me a lesson, if nothing else*), but at the same time I'd been treated badly too, and that relationship was "Rrrrawrk! BANG! F*** I'm dead!" if you catch my drift?

I'm just rambling here, but hopefully you can see what I'm getting at. I'm not trying to use how she treated me as an excuse for what I did, just more trying to illustrate why I may have been so pessimistic about the whole thing at the time, and why I ended up doing what I did. Or something. I dunno.

Thoughts, anyone?

*Except, y'know, the times I may have assisted other women in commiting adultery and general unfaithfulness in their relationships, but I'm not counting that here, because...ooh look, a peanut shaped like a winky...

Post by **Denyer** » Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:22 pm

Well, it's an opportunity to explain things. I'd be leery of trying to rekindle school days, personally -- the "one that got away" fantasy is pleasant but I doubt squares up with reality much.

Not to say I wouldn't be in like a shot if one or two specific people expressed an interest in a few years' time...

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:36 pm

To be honest Stu, it's not really about rekindling things-at least, not on my part. I'm interested in her enough to be pleased to hear from her, but when it comes to a possible relationship? Not particularly enamoured with the idea.

It's more a case of: my OCD is nagging away at me, so would it really serve any purpose for me to admit to something she has no idea about, and which happened 8 years ago when things were crap between the pair of us anyway?

I know only I can decide what to do in the end, but I thought it would be interesting to see what others think-y'know, given certain circumstances, can what is normally considered out of order behaviour be justified, or at least more easily forgiven? Is confession the right thing, or is it just for the 'guilty' to make themselves feel better while ultimately hurting the one they claim to care for? That kind of thing.

Basically, I wanted to get this out of my system, and now I'm trying to find justification for wasting Besty's bandwidth.

Post by **Denyer** » Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:46 pm

Paul's borrowing it from Canada anyway...

I'd proffer the explanation, whilst making it perfectly clear that it isn't as an excuse. Then again, the only way I'd be doing this is if I ran into someone in a pub or similar -- I wouldn't be on Friends Reunited in the first place, as I'm basically in touch with anyone I want to be from education. With one exception.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:56 pm

I see what you're saying. However, do you think it's actually worth confessing to something that I don't particularly feel bad about (anymore), and which she doesn't know about anyway?

Don't get me wrong-I'm not at the end of my tether, desperate for answers or anything, it's just that something like this would normally have me wracked with guilt, and I'm ok with it. I suppose that after having my OCD make my moral compass always point North for the last few years, it's very odd to have it point South and not be too fussed. It's like I've accepted it happened, I can't change it, and there's no real reason other than guilt to bring it up, so why bother? What will it achieve?

Maybe I should just stop trying to rationalise it, and just accept it for what it is.

Post by **Denyer** » Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:53 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:why bother? What will it achieve?

Very little that the vague statement "we're different people now" won't. Which is likely assumed on both sides anyway.

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 6:27 am

The cold, logical, slightly selfish answer would be:

Is X < or > Y, where X = the amount you enjoy spending time with her right now, and Y = the amount of relief you would recieve from spilling the secret?

Because if you do tell her, there's no doubt you're putting your relationship right now in jepoardy, at least temporarily. I mean, on one hand it IS in the way, way past. But on the other hand, in my book, there's a big difference between "relationship not going so good" and "cheating", in terms of women's minds.

saysadie · Post by **saysadie** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:19 am

Shanti418 wrote:Because if you do tell her, there's no doubt you're putting your relationship right now in jepoardy, at least temporarily.

Well, possibly. It has been almost a decade...

Tricky. If she's the type to wax sentimental, I'd say leave it, if only to spare her feelings. If not, then it might not matter much to her as it was in the past. Possibly, it all comes down to how well you know her/trust her/how you think she might take it.

If the situation ever occurs that she actually asks directly though, I'd tell her outright. Omitting past events is one thing [probably not good, but it's forgivable] maybe, but lying [again] to the person's face is another.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:49 am

I'm surprised you hadn't told her when you were still in that relationship.

I am not sure if you should tell her. If you do, you have to accept that she might never want to talk to you again.

And don't just do it to make yourself feel better. You might be at peace with that event, but for her it's brand new pain.

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 10:07 am

I can't see how either of you would benefit from you telling her mate.

Legion · Post by **Legion** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 10:27 am

saysadie wrote:If the situation ever occurs that she actually asks directly though, I'd tell her outright. Omitting past events is one thing [probably not good, but it's forgivable] maybe, but lying [again] to the person's face is another.

Eline wrote:And don't just do it to make yourself feel better. You might be at peace with that event, but for her it's brand new pain.

spiderfrommars wrote:I can't see how either of you would benefit from
you telling her mate.

dont' have anything else to add myself really mate!

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:20 am

Thanks for the advice guys.

My first reaction was to leave it alone, but she kept apologising for how she'd treated me and she seemed to feel really bad about it. I was mainly considering telling her to hopefully help alleviate her guilt, as it's a lot to be carrying around after all this time. I should imagine she wouldn't be happy about it, but the idea of her punishing herself over the bad elements of the relationship like she was the only one who'd done something wrong just doesn't seem right.

It's a lot to think about (for me, at least)-I'd like to think that I could be honest with her if I think it's needed, and that we'd both be able to agree that the pair of us were far from perfect in our behaviour towards each other, and that we're different people now. Life is rarely that simple though, is it?

I suppose I should have just deleted her email as soon as I'd read it, but then hindsight is always 20/20 vision, isn't it?

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 1:24 pm

If it was me, I would delete the email and have no futher contact, because I know that at some point I would tell her if we met up. It would be inevitable.

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 2:00 pm

I'd def say keep it to yourself unless asked outright. Especially since you've no intention of getting back into something with her. She'd probably still blame herself for what she does now, maybe moreso. She'd have to deal with fresh pain and so the only benefit I could see would be if there was a health risk she should have looked at (which, given it was 8 years ago is highly unlikely). You might assuage a bit of your guilt sure, but even then, you might create fresh new guilt if she gets upset.

Just try not to let her get mixed messages, that way leads to trouble.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 3:45 pm

Once again, cheers.

I've decided to close the stable door, now that the horse has well and truly bolted. I deleted all the emails so that I've no way to get in touch with her unles she does with me again.

She did say that she was going to pop in to see me at work towards the end of next week, but whether she does or not is a different matter.

I still can't get around how little I seem to care. I don't mean I don't care at all (I don't want to hurt her, like I don't want to hurt anyone) more that it's unusual that I'm not tearing myself to pieces with guilt over this like I normally do, and that is very strange.

The way I can't help but think about it is that had it been me that had treated her badly in the past, then 8 or so years on I don't really feel I'd have any real right (or desire) to complain if she said she'd cheated on me towards the end of a very strained and doomed relationship. Maybe I'm just jaded-over the last few years I've accepted that people can and will disapoint or hurt you, and the closer you are to them, the more it hurts. That's not to say they will always do it, and that they aren't wonderful people, it's just that life becomes easier once you accept that we as a species are all flawed, no matter how perfect people may seem in our eyes.

Or something. Sorry if this sounds callous, it's not meant to be.

Post by **Best First** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 5:17 pm

sounds quite healthy to me, i'd quite like to get to that point in regard to my last relationship.

i'd agree to keep shtum unless specifically asked - otherwise youhave to ask who you are really doing it for.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 6:24 pm

Best First wrote:sounds quite healthy to me, i'd quite like to get to that point in regard to my last relationship.

Things still not great dude?

Best First wrote:i'd agree to keep shtum unless specifically asked - otherwise youhave to ask who you are really doing it for.

I suppose that ultimately it's for the best. I've no desire to get into a relationship (if I've read her right I think she may be looking to rekindle things), but things change and if they do I should imagine I'll know whether it's worth bringing up.

This is stupid-all this hassle because I didn't want to make her feel bad by not replying to her email.

Post by **Best First** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 10:25 pm

that's not an un-normal feeling mate, shows good qualitiesif anything.

as for me, just still have a bit of a hole in my life. getting smaller but not as fast as i would like.

i deserve a good woman - i bloody rock.

Hound · Post by **Hound** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:07 pm

Best First wrote:that's not an un-normal feeling mate, shows good qualitiesif anything.

as for me, just still have a bit of a hole in my life. getting smaller but not as fast as i would like.

i deserve a good woman - i bloody rock.

I'll have you if no-one else wants you

Post by **Best First** » Thu Mar 16, 2006 1:33 pm

ah! the gay sympathy vote. damnit.

anyway, i snore remember?

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Thu Mar 16, 2006 3:24 pm

Best First wrote:i'd agree to keep shtum unless specifically asked

That's the problem - I don't know if I have OCD or anything, but there would be no way I could prevent myself from speaking the truth. Especially if I was there going "whatever you do, don't tell her this".

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Thu Mar 16, 2006 5:16 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote:
Best First wrote:i'd agree to keep shtum unless specifically asked
That's the problem - I don't know if I have OCD or anything, but there would be no way I could prevent myself from speaking the truth. Especially if I was there going "whatever you do, don't tell her this".

A basic guide as to whether something is OCD or not is the amount of time it costs you, and the amount of distress it causes you. Everybody has obsessive/compulsive personality traits, not everyone has OCD.

I think the reason that I'm not so bothered is because I don't want a relationship, therefore there's nothing for me to lose. At this moment in time, I'd prefer it if this just fizzled out of its own accord, rather than having ot do any letting down gently type stuff. Ooh, I'm a gent, arent't I.

Hound · Post by **Hound** » Thu Mar 16, 2006 6:01 pm

Best First wrote:ah! the gay sympathy vote. damnit.

anyway, i snore remember?

Curses

*shakes fist*

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Fri Mar 17, 2006 11:36 am

Best First wrote:
as for me, just still have a bit of a hole in my life.

I'm feeling this. For me its just about sharing the good times with someone. And the bad.

I like my own space but any length of time alone is wasted time IMO.

I think I'd feel better if I knew she was miserable. That might just be me tho.

Post by **Best First** » Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:25 pm

spiderfrommars wrote:
Best First wrote:
as for me, just still have a bit of a hole in my life.
I'm feeling this. For me its just about sharing the good times with someone. And the bad.

I like my own space but any length of time alone is wasted time IMO.

I think I'd feel better if I knew she was miserable. That might just be me tho.

mate, that's pretty spot on for me.