Playground Football Rules

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Hound
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Playground Football Rules

Post by Hound » Mon Sep 26, 2005 4:27 pm

1 The Field of Play:

Field surface
Matches may be played on natural or artificial surfaces, preferably
uneven tarmac with puddles on "halfway line" to ensure injury if any
sliding tackles are attempted and a correctly waterlogged ball.
Dimensions

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water
hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger
has to go before the pursuing defender gives up or the game runs into
another.

Goals
Constructed of unkempt piles of jackets, These piles may grow or shrink
throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the
jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed
that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed. In the
absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as
being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the
keeper. If a team are losing badly / "sneaky gets" they may narrow the
goal mouth by innocently kicking the coats along the floor when no one
is looking.

2 The Ball:
Supply
Any reputable year group would be expected to have at least one boy who
will forgo carrying unimportant school books / lunch box to ensure his
school bag has room for a football.
Qualities and Measurements
Any size of ball will do a tennis ball for example would be fine but if
available the "leather caser" is the ball of choice. The ball should be
as round as possible but not necessarily inflated unless brand new.
Weight is entirely based on how much it has rained over night and how
cheap the parents of the owner are.

Replacement of a lost Ball
I) Ball on school roof / over school wall:
The retrieval time is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most
prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb
and six of the best to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire
in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player
who actually struck the ball and any others it may have struck before
disappearing into forbidden territory.

II) Bigger boys steal the ball:
The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise
their own kick about amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the
younger players to attempt to tackle them.
Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick
restart.

III) Menopausal old bag confiscates ball:
More of a threat during street / local green "kickabout" than within the
school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner
transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life
to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their
ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is
predicted to last "until you learn How to play with it properly".

3 The Duration of the Match:
Periods of play
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the Ringing
of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending
on the "bottle" of the participants. There is a sliding scale from those
who hasten to leave as soon as The bell rings, known as "Fannies",
through those who will hang on until The time they estimate it takes the
teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff
room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a
teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".
Defective / lost Ball
The score line to be carried over from the previous period of the match
is entrusted to the last nutters to leave the field of play.

4 The Number of Players:
Fair teams
It is important to achieve a fair balance of fannies, chancers and
nutters in order that the score line achieved over a sustained period of
play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of
five nutters against one.
Formation
Whereas senior sides tend to choose, according to circumstance (e.g.
4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2) the playground side is usually more rigid in and
follows the tried and tested all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

5 The Players' Equipment:

Basic Equipment
This consists of school uniform with no apparent differences between
opposing teams to ensure a hectic game / stray passes.
Footwear
All footwear is permitted with the exception of nice new white trainers
which are required to be stamped on by all on the pitch claiming the
right of "Stampsies" to correct the colouring of the offending items.

6 The Referee / Referees assistant:
As if...

7 Scoring:
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with Their
hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to
drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross. A fabulous solo
dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but
calculated as relative distance because "it's not full-size pitch") will
elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more
magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a
chaotic scramble will be Heralded with the epithet "***ing poacher" from
the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred
alternative.
Show boating
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into
the goal will elicit a bust nose from the original striker. Kneeling
down to head the ball over the line when the keeper is already beaten
will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

8 Offside:
See section 6.

9 Fouls and Misconduct:
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players
requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more
freely, with play continuing around or even on top of participant who
has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.
In playground football a foul should only be considered as such if it
draws blood, breaks bone causes unconsciousness, damage to personal
times e.g. clothing is exempt from this rule even if ripped from the
players back by a neck high challenge.
Should a player be fouled a handshake / "hands in air" to apologise is
sufficient to negate a free kick penalty.

10 Free Kicks / Drop ball:
In the unlikely event of a free kick, the scale of the pitch justifies
placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the
formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker should incant
meaninglessly as he places the ball. Drop balls are the best part of a
school yard game allowing all who wish an excellent opportunity to kick
/ kicked at random for fun.

11 The Penalty Kick:
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who
will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his
requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player
usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if
the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take
penalties. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions
at penalties. Similar to section 10 the keeper is required by the rules
to futilely request "no Blastees / Toe pokers"

12 Ball in out of play:

Throw in
Handball is permit able at any point during the game to "stop the ball
going miles" should it be heading out of play. However due to the
variable width of the pitch unless a ball lands on a roof / water
hazards etc, a throw in should never be need to be taken.
The corner / goal kick

A team may choose to ignore the existence of a goal line if an advantage
can be taken however it is obviously not "fair" to shoot from behind the
goal line, all goal kicks are ignored and the keeper is permitted to
kick it from his hands but only if it is straight up as hard as he can
and does not reach the halfway line. Depending on variant of playground
football (e.g. World cup doubles) three conceded corners may result in a
penalty kick, this is entirely at the discretion of the player set to
gain an advantage and doesn't have to be declared to the opponents until
after the 3rd corner is conceded at which point the defending team
should give the culprit a good kicking.
Close Season

This runs from July - September is known also as the Summer Holidays,
when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight
while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the
Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it
really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

Disclaimer: All broken windows / injuries sustained / animals hurt are
the sole responsibility of the balls owner.
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Aaron Hong
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Post by Aaron Hong » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:43 am

:D

I gotta show this to my kids.

As a negative example, of course.
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Brendocon
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Post by Brendocon » Tue Sep 27, 2005 1:35 pm

Aaron Hong wrote:As a negative example, of course.
A negative example of what?

It's all true.

Every.
Last.
Word.
Grrr. Argh.

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Legion
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Post by Legion » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:04 pm

it is true y'know.

i remember (back in the misty depths of time) an occaision or two where we played "no rules football". the name pretty explains the game.
ah, the injuries that were endured as someone picked up the ball and shoulder charged everyone out their way or rugby tackled a player (on tarmac of course).

ah, the screams... bliss.

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Impactor returns 2.0
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Post by Impactor returns 2.0 » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:12 pm

Jumper for goal posts. isnt it? mmm...

brands! - brands got banned in my school.

the of course there was 'world cup' and the old fav, Headers and volleys, which resulted in 'brands'
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Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Sep 27, 2005 10:36 pm

Legion wrote:it is true y'know.

i remember (back in the misty depths of time) an occaision or two where we played "no rules football". the name pretty explains the game.
ah, the injuries that were endured as someone picked up the ball and shoulder charged everyone out their way or rugby tackled a player (on tarmac of course).

ah, the screams... bliss.
I know that game!

I remember it being called several other things at my school, though: Murderball, American Deathball (a variation based solely on the differing pigskin), and all the Teachers' favourite, What the Hell Are You Playing At?

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