Summer breakdown.

Post by **Kaylee** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:02 pm

I moved back home for the summer in the middle of May, and little by little my usual behaviour began to manifest itself- isolating myself in my room, becoming increasingly sensitive to other people; all the usual signs that my dad is dredging up the garbage in my psyche that reduces me to something far less than i should be.

Calmness, any sort of ability to take any situation well all slowly diminish- hence why I disappeared off of here. General suspicion, worry and a paranoia that everyone hates me and is out to get away from me.

Moreso I start bringing all this weirdness down on the few people who are close enough to me on a regular basis, making their lives harder than need be and in the case of my friend in NC actively damaging our relationship.

So I start on my summer vacation with the plan of getting away from my dad for 3 weeks, after which it's University and i leave anyway and after that it's all over and I move out and start work.

Plan seemed very simple- to Toledo, OH and visit a friend there for a few days. We were going to see a movie and then I was going to fix his computer. Then south to Dayton and spend a few days there, then to NC to be with my special guy there, then south further to SC to spend time with Nebbie and her family.

For most of my time here there's been this stormy weather following me about- if ever there was symbolism that's it. Rain, lightning and thunder.

My friend in Toledo- I called him up and got his parents, my words were literally "Hi, is so-and-so there?"

From that they divined I was putting on a fake accent, I live in the local area and am a rapist stalker. And no I'm not kidding. They vented this on him by taking away his computer. And he's older than I am. What more can be said but Jesus H. Christ.

So I had that come as a nice shock. That was the beginning of the downward spiral which was allowable thanks to the framework of neuroses I'd allowed to develop.

Furthermore the guy in question (who is very kind and sweet, probably why he puts up with such insane parents) is a mutual friend of my acquantance in NC- who's immediate reaction was to blow up at me.

He calmed down and appologised- it wasn't my fault, although it was a very unfortunate situation.

This wasn't before I gave him a very very thorough piece of my mind- including a load of projected garbage from my own psyche and issues which I brought with me in an overnight bag. i.e. he didn't like me and was using it as an excuse to get rid of me.

Yeah we made it up and I said sorry many many times.

Problems with it being that's my visit to him gone- he's very cautious about seeing me and has gone through a load of stuff immediately before my visit so he was hardly enthused about the prospect of me turning up on his doorstep anyway (two close family deaths in the last 12 months, and his regular poor health). This business did what little was necessary to end all that.

As well as also being the final element needed to throw me back down into depression (which I was in all but name) which means I get weepy, very needy and generally don't know whether I'm coming or going. Also means I find ways of being the fault with everything and appologising to everyone for just about every bad thought I'd ever had. He had a little taste of that, then I actively decided this was going to be detrimental- making me come off like a lunatic if nothing else- so I stopped it and have decided anything said to the bf needs to be short and sweet.

I said sorry enough, he knows I'm messed up (although probably foggy as to why) which have something to do with living with my dad so I'm hoping I drew an active line under it all. Probably confused him but better than anything else.

He knows I've been upset, and bringing the full pelt of it down on him will not improve anything on iota.

So, having most of my excursion messed up aside from seeing friends in Dayton which I enjoyed, I've arrived light years ahead of schedule in SC having to ask to stay until the end of my trip because I've nowhere else to go.

It's an utter mess, and it won't start getting better until I get back to England and get back to college- until then I have to play nice with my bf and just try and deal with general misery.

I know what's caused it all, I know what I need to do to get out of it all but it's still horrible to deal with.

I'm trying hard to look forward to returning- I can build a new computer, hopefully if I can stop my breakdown and behave like a normal person my bf and I can get closer and I might be able to come back in November. He cares about me a lot but I can be a lot to deal with when I break down. I hope he's sensible enough to know I'm not normally like this... I get the urge to go off on some explanation on why I'm not insane but I have to keep reminding myself that a line has been drawn under all this and we're not going to screw with it more- we're going to move forward; appologies have been given and accepted on both sides and explanations have been given and recieved on both sides.

All such a mess.

So hence no karl for a while- I got all the secret santa info, I'll send it off when I get back in August. Missing you all. It's nice, if very very hard, to be able to share things, somehow makes everything seem less bad.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:25 pm

I have no idea what to say - but Karl, you rock. I hope you'll get through all of this and we are all here for you.

*hug*

Post by **Kaylee** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:28 pm

there's nothing really to say AFAIK, just you being there is enough; you always make me feel better n_n

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 9:04 pm

That's some bad mojo you've got going on there.

I hope things brighten up for you soon, and I've missed you on the board, pal.

And remember: small ones are more juicy. That's a lesson I think we could all do with learning.

*hug* (sorry about the beard rash)

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:39 pm

Mate-ouch.

It's hard to know what to say, other than you know how to get hold of me (either here or by phone) if you need a chat. I understand you feel like **** at the moment, but depression puts every flaw you believe there is about yourself under the microscope until they're the only things you can see, and that is not in anyway a true representation of who you really are.

Soldier on Karlyboo-I can't promise you sunshine and kittens are round the next corner, but I do know how much of a lovely bloke you are, and how caring and compassionate you are towards others. Give yourself a break, and accept that it's ok to blow off steam-more so when you're dealing with all the **** you're currently experiencing. Things can and will get better, it's just a case of putting your best foot forward and marching through the crap until you come out the other side. Don't torture yourself-aint none of us perfect.

Hugs mate-nothin' but love for ya baby.

Autobloke · Post by **Autobloke** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 12:17 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:puts every flaw you believe there is about yourself under the microscope until they're the only things you can see, and that is not in anyway a true representation of who you really are.

So true. I've never really liked myself, but other people tend to like me so I can't be all bad (or at all bad, even). The same true is of your good self - don't forget that.

Hound · Post by **Hound** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 1:11 pm

*big hugs for Karl*

We will still be here when you are ready

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 1:39 pm

Aw man, hope things are working for you. Give us a call if you need to get away to the big smoke, I have a couple of nights out with the other team coming up anyway, you'll be made very welcome down the Quebec

Keep it real.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 4:01 pm

Hound wrote:*big hugs for Karl*

Me too, like the Ben said.

Y'rock, Karl.

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 6:34 pm

It's one thing to feel horrible and/or in a state of depression: it's another thing entirely to feel like that while you feel isolated and alone and away from those who care about you and love you.

We're all here for you, we all love you, and we're not going anywhere, no matter HOW crazy you get!

Post by **Best First** » Sat Jul 30, 2005 8:29 pm

dude, i don't got much in the way of wise words at the moment but i can say this: we love you and you are a great part of this community. take care mate.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 7:51 pm

*hug*

take care, Karly.

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:33 pm

Best wishes to you Karl.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 10:55 am

Hey Karl - was thinking of you yesterday at Soho Pride

Wish you could have been there, it have brought you out of depression in a jiffy, especially the sight of five guys trying to find just what I was wearing under my man-skirt

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:12 am

I love that man skirt!

Karl, im sorry to hear your like this, im right here for you if you want to talk, god you have listened to me rambling on enough before.
Take good care of yourself, and get back to us soon. I miss you, im pretty sure we all miss you loads.
see you soon!

sprunkner · Post by **sprunkner** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 2:46 pm

Sorry about the crap Karl. Considering that you're the guy who usually cheers everyone up and gives the soundest of advice around here, I'm at a bit of a loss for equally wise words. But keep your chin up. Wish we could have hung out when I was on the island.

saysadie · Post by **saysadie** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:59 pm

You're a wonderful person, Karl. Remember that.

Can empathize with a lot of the stuff you're talking about, I've had struggles with depression myself and I know it's a difficult thing to deal with. Sometimes taking a step back, detaching yourself from everything and looking at it all can help, if you can find a way to do that. Greenery, pets, silly/cheerful music also helps... well, they help me, anyway.

Hugs, dude.

Post by **Kaylee** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 3:09 pm

thankyou very much- you've helped a lot, hopefully when I get back to the UK I can start getting all things sorted out. {hugs for everyone}