Don't know what to do

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:44 am

I'm sorry for posting this here, but I'm losing my mind.

A few days ago my fiance said she wants us to 'have a break'. She says she's really confused and upset about everything, not just us, and she doesn't know what to do. She says she still loves me, but she's so confused by everything that she doesn't know what to do for the best. Sorry if that's confusing, but she says that even she can't make sense of how she is feeling, and so she can't explain it to me.

It sounds to me from the talks we've had that she's really depressed, and it's killing me that I can't help. I haven't seen her for 2 days now-we've been together over 3 years and there has only been one day in all that time where we haven't seen each other, so this is impossibly hard.

She's not just my fiance, but my best friend, and the thought of losing her scares me more than anything-I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for our relationship to die. I have no idea what to do for the best-she says that she sometimes feels like just coming and staying with me like normal, but then she doesn't because she doesn't know if it would be the right thing to do. She knows how hard this is for me, and I do believe that she's being 100% honest with me-she's not the type of person to string me along if she knows this is completely over, but I'm just terrified that this is it.

Everything feels so hopeless. I go to sleep crying, wake up and cry all day, and then repeat. I really don't know what I'll do if she leaves me. I admit it, I'm weak and pathetic, but she's my life-I need her and being without her these past few days has made me realise how much of a complete nothing I am on my own.

Has anyone here been through anything similar? Is it possible to come through something like this and have your relationship work, or am I pretty much ******? Your honesty is appreciated.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:11 am

Uhm...well first of all, yes it is possible to pull through this and for your relationship to work. I've seen it happen with other people. No idea how it works though, as it's not happened to me. Some of my friends' relationships have survived all sorts of terrible stuff and survived not only intact but stronger than before. Again, not sure how.

But if I were you then I'd be preparing for the worst. From what you've said it doesn't sound good.

Sorry mate.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:16 am

Thanks Rob.

When this first came up I panicked and tried to end it myself-I told her I couldn't sit around and wait for it to happen, but she didn't want that. She gets really upset when we talk, and like me she finds herself crying at the stupidest little reminders of our relationship. I'm so confused.

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:22 am

Its bound to be a confusing time... if only you knew why she's so upset.

But you're not a "complete nothing" in anybody's book mate.

However, have you perhaps got too dependent on her? I think a relationship needs a certain amount of independence, maybe that something to bear in mind when rebuilding. Or I might be talking ****. Everyones different of course.

I really hope it works out for you.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:26 am

Sounds like she's not sure what she wants either. All I can really recommend is some time away together, maybe just a weekend or something, so that you can get together and talk things through...just somewhere away from the normal places you hang out. That way you could maybe find out for sure what's right for both of you. It won't be a bed of roses though.

[disclaimer]I don't have a stellar relationship track record. Any advice is taken at the owner's risk.[/disclaimer]

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:28 am

Thanks Dave.

You're not talking **** at all mate-I know what you mean, and I probably am too dependant on her, but I love her more than I ever thought was possible, no matter how amzingly cheesy that may sound.

I've begged her to end it if this isn't really what she wants, but she doesn't know. Like I said, she can't get it straight in her head. She says that even though she loves me the same, her feelings about our relationship are only 90% as opposed to 100%, if that makes any sense. She also says that it's not just our relationship-it's her job and other stuff too.

EDIT: Rob-I've thought about the weekend away too, but I'm running myself ragged trying to figure out where I should back off and give her space so she doesn't feel pressured.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:45 am

Giving her space sounds a good idea, but I can understand how difficult that is.

Are there any specific mutual friends you can use as a point of contact? In so much as you give her space, but can regularly chat with the third party to find out how she is?

That way you can stay up-to-date on how she's feeling without pressurising her over it.

[/random ideas]

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:51 am

Brendocon wrote:Giving her space sounds a good idea, but I can understand how difficult that is.

Are there any specific mutual friends you can use as a point of contact? In so much as you give her space, but can regularly chat with the third party to find out how she is?

That way you can stay up-to-date on how she's feeling without pressurising her over it.

[/random ideas]

This is why it's so confusing Brend, because she hasn't broken off contact completely-we speak a few times a day on the phone or via messenger (she just rang me in fact), and keeps telling me to ring/text her whenever I want to. She makes the contact 99% of the time.

She just keeps saying that she needs to 'get her head straight'.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:55 am

Have you told her that her "need space but keeps in contact" approach is so confusing?

It does underscore the fact that she doesn't know what she wants... but that sort of thing really won't help her find out. I'd suggest finding a non-confrontational way of getting that point across to her...

But I'd also add a similar disclaimer to Rob's, being that my whilst I usually have some luck at sorting out other folks' problems, my own track record is less than stellar.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:01 pm

Brendocon wrote:Have you told her that her "need space but keeps in contact" approach is so confusing?

Yep, and she says she's sorry and that she knows how hard this is for me, but she doesn't know what else to do.

Brendocon wrote:It does underscore the fact that she doesn't know what she wants... but that sort of thing really won't help her find out. I'd suggest finding a non-confrontational way of getting that point across to her...

I've tried mate-I've said that the longer we leave it between seeing each other, the stranger and more awkward it will be when we finally meet up again, and that it may not help, but because I don't want to pressure her I just finish by saying that I don't know what to do for the best, because I don't want to push her away.

Brendocon wrote:But I'd also add a similar disclaimer to Rob's, being that my whilst I usually have some luck at sorting out other folks' problems, my own track record is less than stellar.

That's cool-I know that at the end of the day this will play out however it's meant to play out. I just appreciate having a good bunch of people to talk to.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:02 pm

That's a ****** up situation. I've been in the same situation twice.
The first time I got through the crap by being with my friends 24/7 - I talked about how I felt, etc. And drank alot of beer and white russian

My advice is to focus on your own happiness (and yes, I know it's hard).
In my opinion it's better to prepare for the worst - than to go around thinking "Everythings gonna be okey

"
If you really feel the need to contact her; keep it brief and simple "I hope you're okay. Let me know if there's anything I can do" or something like that...

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:06 pm

Thanks Ob.

I'm not thinking that everything is going to be ok, this feels like the end to me-even though it's not all doom and gloom, it still feels like the end.

I don't know-maybe it's because I've always been the one who gets dumped that I can't see this ending positively. Maybe I shouldn't be using my past relationships as a way of judging this one, but I can't help it.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:12 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:Maybe I shouldn't be using my past relationships as a way of judging this one, but I can't help it.

It's natural to use whatever points of reference are available, don't feel bad about that. But also try and remember what's different between this one and the past ones. Rules change from relationship to relationship.

You say she confused and upset "about everything" - do you mind if I ask what other things there are that are having an effect? The key to resolving the situation may lie in sorting out the underlying causes that are outside the relationship.

Sometimes personal issues can get too much for somebody to cope with, and that spills over into the way they interact with everyone else. It could just be that once the other stuff is sorted everything can settle back down again.

Post by **Best First** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:19 pm

I hate to say it mate but some of that sounds familiar to me, while i wish you all the best and hope things work out equally i think you shoudl try and stay realistic and consider what is best for you.

I agree with Dave about the indepandance thing - certainly in my case i became to reliant on my ex, it tends to lead to implosion at some point i feel, so regardless of what happens maybe you should look to address that at some point.

The only real advice i can give you is:
1) Put yourself first
2) Give her space, she has to come back to you on her own.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Has anything in particular kicked this off?

Has she considered councilling?

One other thing - whatever happens, we are all here for you.

Take care.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:29 pm

Brendocon wrote: You say she confused and upset "about everything" - do you mind if I ask what other things there are that are having an effect? The key to resolving the situation may lie in sorting out the underlying causes that are outside the relationship.

I feel like a **** talking about her with people she doesn't know, but then she doesn't know any of you either, so I'll keep it brief.

We both seem to have reached the agreement that she has depression. Not that she's depressed, but that she has depression, which is worse, if you see what I mean? I myself suffer ftom it too, along with my ocd, and all the 'signs' are there-constantly down/upset, crying, trouble sleeping, little to no energy, no enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable...there's more but I can't remember it. Depression won't go away on it's own, and she knows that-it's just taking the hard step of seeing a psychologist. I haven't forced this idea on her by the way, it's just that my own personal experience of years of depression has given me an insight into it-I wouldn't try to make things worse for her by inventing a 'scapegoat' problem.

I think her problem is that she's completely selfless-she always puts other people first no matter what, even if she has her own problems weighing on her. I know it hasn't been easy for her to be with me-she's seen my problems destroy me time and again, even a suicide attempt by me a couple of years ago. She hides her own problems very well, which leads to her being treated like a doormat sometimes-not just by me, but everyone. And she's so worried about their hapiness, that she overlooks her own. This extends to her family, job and friends as well.

I admit my part in all this-my problems have made me extremely selfish at times and it can't have been easy for her, but she still tells me that it doesn't matter-she says I treat her 'like a princess' (which I try to do, because she really does mean everything to me), and I was surprised to hear that her dad said to her the other day that she'll never find anyone who'll treat her the way I do, which although it was very nice of him is probably completely innacurate and kind of a slap in the face to her if you think about it, but he didn't mean it in a horrible way-it surprised me because we fell out last year and haven't spoken since, and I thought he'd be glad this was happening.

Sorry, I've rambled.

EDIT-Just saw your reply Paul, thanks mate.

Post by **Kaylee** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:38 pm

That sounds awful

I've been through the exact same thing many a-time.

It feels like... well, I can only descibe it as if the person you love were water; and you can feel them just dribbling away through your fingers and you can't do anything to stop them. The exact feeling was that if my heart were a metal bar, someone was trying to wrend it in two.

The only way I made the feeling stop, because it would have caused me to act in such a way as to certainly destroy the relationship, was to realise first of all what I was doing.

1. This is definitely not good. I am suffering, and because I am suffering I am causing the other party to suffer also to the detriment of our relationship.

2. I don't have to suffer, I have control of my mind. The reason I am suffering is that I have lost my concentration and lost the control over my mind. My feelings and most of all my insecurities have taken over and have been running away with me.

I first of all need to realise what I am doing is mad. It's unhelpful and is only hastening the exact thing I didn't want to happen.

I'm afraid to tell you PP there are no certainties in the world. There is no magic formula for making a relationship work out, nor any world-beating piece of advice which can save it.

Things will go the way that they go.

What it helped me to be mindful of was that in my desperate attempts to manipulate the situation to try and change this uncertain future into a certainty (which is impossible) I was making things worse.

Simply put, I had to try and get over these awful feelings. They had to be put back in their place, i.e. out of the way because they were misery-inducing and to no positive benefit to anyone.

It is not a certainty she is going to leave you, it's not written in stone that things will end badly. As I told besty a while back, all you can do is live the present to the best of your abilities and try to be kind, compassionate, generous and as wise as one is able.

The past can't be changed so it's senseless worrying about it, and the future will depend on how we act now.

Be there, be kind, be loving. Helping others is a wonderful thing, and it may help you in the future to. And try not to get caught up on what may or may not happen.

If it helps, whenever I fear the worst and I get those miserable feelings welling up inside me I just say to myself: this is insanity, these bad things are not guaranteed to happen. All thats happening is that you're letting your insecurities take over, and that will make misery a certainty.

{hug and cuddles}

My worthless input ^_^

Take care and check back often!! Never be afraid of asking for help

It's what friends are for!

EDIT- also pay great heed to what besty and spidey said about dependancy, a mind of attachment is one that will in the end suffer. But that's a tale for another time I think ^_^

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:43 pm

Thanks Karl.

That wasn't worthless at all-quite the opposite, thankyou.

You're all wonderful people, thankyou time and again.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 2:31 pm

No worries, always here if you need us.

As an addendum to my disclaimer, I have actually got people together who've ended up married with children, still together. I just can't sort any of that stuff out for myself

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 2:37 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:I feel like a **** talking about her with people she doesn't know, but then she doesn't know any of you either, so I'll keep it brief.

Oh, I wouldn't want me knowing about me either... or something. You know what I mean.

I think her problem is that she's completely selfless-she always puts other people first no matter what, even if she has her own problems weighing on her.

Yeah... I know that feeling well.

Having read what you've said, I'll stand by what I said earlier, mainly that if the depression can be resolved then hopefully everything else will sort itself.

Some form of therapy will almost certainly help. But I think it's a huge step for some people to take... that's probably going to be the hardest part.

As I say, hopefully that will make things better. And as others have said, we're all here for you. Well, maybe not all of us - Predabot's been banned, so he's not here, but the rest of us are.

Post by **snarl** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 2:42 pm

I can associate a lot with what Karl has written. I think proper realisation and acknowledgement of the situation helps an individual in dealing with it, so I'd reccomend trying as hard as you can to do that.

Sounds a pretty **** place to be in though, really never been in a situation like it so dont know how to react - I tend to get quite bitter, stobborn and twatty though, so that's what I might do - I wouldn't recommend doing that at all though.

Your boys are all here for you if you need it though, you knows it.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 2:42 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote: I just can't sort any of that stuff out for myself

It's hard, isn't it?

I've made a decision. As long as it's not already too late, the next time I talk to her I'm going to lay a few things out.

I want to tell her that I love her more than anything, and because of that I'm willing to give her as much time as she feels she needs to come to a decision about us, whatever that may be. I want her to know that there will be no pressure from me-I'll be here for her whenever she needs me, in whatever capacity, and even if she (for example) decides that she does want to see me and spend the night that I won't assume it means the realtionship is back on track. I want to tell her that I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to save our relationship and make it stronger, and I want her to know that I mean it too. I want her to know that my problems will no longer hold me/us back, and that all of this has made me realise that I've been selfish. There is more I want to say, but I'll have to see if I get the opportunity-I want to take as much pressure off her as I can, so that she doesn't feel boxed in by me.

I hope it's not too late.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 2:44 pm

Brend and Pops-thankyou.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:07 pm

Sounds like a plan, and not a bad one at that. Wish you the best of luck, keep strong and come back on here if you need to talk any of it through.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 8:46 pm

I don't know what to say. I just wish you the best of luck in this and hope you'll get through it together.

*hug*

bobaprime85 · Post by **bobaprime85** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 9:16 pm

I wish I had more to add than just the usual well-wishes and so forth. You're a great guy, and I wish you a happy conclusion to this dark patch in life.

The decision you laid out for us sounds reasonable enough, and probably has the best chance of success.

And if things do go completely south.... well, we're here if you need to talk and things can only go up once they've hit rock bottom, right?

Again, wish you all the best.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 9:26 pm

Thanks Eline.

Well, things aren't great, but what else is new?

She came round for an hour tonight, we had a chat and it was another mixed bag. She says she doesn't know if she considers us a couple anymore (ouch)-she really just doesn't know-she didn't want to kiss me goodbye because it would mess her head up (I didn't ask, by the way), and she seems different to me somehow.

I know this basically screams 'it's over', but I can't understand why she doesn't just end it-I've given her plenty of opportunities, but still no decision one way or the other. I know people change, and my paranoia aside I trust her enough to believe that she's being honest with me, which is why this is so hard. She had to take some stuff-clothes etc, which is fair enough because the majority of her stuff is here, but she said she felt awful because it felt to her that she was giving the impression she was moving out, which she insisted wasn't the case. She even rang me to make sure I was ok when she got home.

I have no idea what to make of this at all.

EDIT-Thankyou as well, Boba.

Darth Aux · Post by **Darth Aux** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:13 pm

Would you find closure easier than not knowing?

Rather it be over than in this state of limbo?

Personally I would rather it be over, than not know what is going on. If you think that ending this will help you out (I'm sure it will be hard though whichever way you choose), then rather than suggest that she ends it maybe you should call it a day.

It's harsh, I know and I feel for you mate. It's just a different perspective.

Post by **Denyer** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:57 am

Nowt to add except good wishes, really.

Pissin' Poonani wrote:I've begged her to end it if this isn't really what she wants

I'm not sure this ever has a positive effect, although I suppose a lot has to do with wording. The happy medium between not sounding too possessive and not sounding too noncommittal can be thorny. Emphasise the wanting a person to stay rather than the "I don't want you here against your will" bit, which transfers things onto the other to make their mind up about.

Positive statement, qualifier, repeat positive statement.

Hugs, dude.

Darth Aux wrote:Would you find closure easier than not knowing?

Rather it be over than in this state of limbo?

That's not necessarily closure unless the words "what if?" aren't in your vocabulary. Knowing that you sealed something isn't the same as knowing whether it can work.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:00 am

Thanks Aux and Stu.

When I saw her last night I told her that I'd give her as much time as she needs without pressuring her etc, and I think all I can do is just be nice and wait for this to do whatever it's going to do.

It still hurts, but not as much-I still have this gnawing feeling in my stomach, and I'm not looking forwards to the point where she finally comes to pick up all her stuff and is gone for good, but I think I've lost all hope.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:07 am

Can you eat?
When I was in a similar situation I couldn't eat. I didn't eat properly for like two - three (maybe four) weeks.
I drank alot of alcohol though.