Don't know what to do

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:12 am

I'm eating mate, but not properly. Just what I can, when I can.

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:33 am

I know what you mean.

I found it easier to eat fruit, yoghurt and 'light' stuff like that - I couldn't manage to devour a burger though.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:38 am

I can't handle this mate. One minute I'm alright and accepting that it's over, the next I'm getting upset of the thought of her being a stranger to me-maybe running into her when I'm out, and she's with someone else or she makes it clear that she doesn't care about me at all. There's also that she's helped me through my mental illness, which means she knows all my most deep, dark upsetting secrets-I feel like a **** for insinuating that she'd tell anyone because she's so lovely, but coupled with these horrible thoughts about her deciding to hate me, it just makes things worse.

Legion · Post by **Legion** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 10:06 am

i don't know what to say PP

just hang on in there, Time is a great healer i've found.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 11:22 am

It reminds me a bit of the situation between Dylan and me, before we decided to break up. Not everything of course, but it makes me relive those horrible moments again. That's why I don't have any good advice for you.

I do know that, had I forced him to make up his mind and say yes or no, then we would have broken up much earlier than we have done. And I would have missed a lot of good things.

I do hope that you will get through this. And please take good care of yourself. Would it help to go to your parents for a few days, or something like that? Just away for a while, and not seeing and talking to her, might be a good thing. Not necessarily fun though.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 11:28 am

Legion-thanks mate.

Eline-I don't think getting away would help to be honest-wherever I go I'll feel the same so I think the sooner I face up to it all and rough it out, the sooner this can be resolved.

I'd forgotten that you and Dylan used to be together-you still seem to be very close and very friendly, I just hope that when all this is over that things can be that good for us too, but knowing my luck it'll be the exact opposite.

Post by **Kaylee** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 11:53 am

A friend of mine who studies psychology once told me-

From a psychological perspective, women possess relationships the same way that men possess cars

i.e. they don't want to give them up even when they don't use them/want them. Obviously that is a generalisation, to which an individual may or may not fit (there's also a reference for that if anybody would be interested).

It sounds to my mind like that is what she is saying to you:

I don't want to be in a relationship with you but I don't want to give you up all te same.

All that causes is misery. If I were in the same circumstance, I'd listen very carefully to Master Denyer, he is definitely onto something when he says treading the fine line between distance and detachment is hard.

All I can suggest that might be helpful is that sooner or later this will come to an end one way or another, and the longer it goes on the faster you'll probably approach whatever crunch is coming (good or bad).

What has caused this new behaviour in her I could not begin to guess. It's possible even you will never know. Quite probably she doesn't.

Try to get to grips with what is called in my studies 'the mind of attachment'. It is something very painful when you let it run and as has been pointed out is something that you don't need to be a slave to.

A person is not perfect, and your happiness does not depend on that person or on their qualities.

Bearing that all in mind, it makes it easier to deal with the idea of someone leaving us. It will still hurt, but maybe we can begin to understand that we only feel sad because we are unable to 'possess' that person any longer.

It sounds awful, but that's one of the major motivations of grief. I want this person, but I can't have them. It's what we all go through when someone close to us passes away, also.

Possessing that person doesn't make us happy. The misery you're feeling now is all that comes of such a mind of attachment, I believe- having been through similar things.

Naturally whenever anybody we love leaves us we feel pain, but that pain is not part of the love imo. It is something separate and something which we can learn to control. We can love someone as dearly as they deserve without wrecking ourselves if they leave us.

Happiness is a state of mind, and whenever the feelings begin to overwelm me I just try to put everything back into context and try to think with a clear head again.

That person was not the sole cause of my happiness. It is only my feelings which are making me unhappy. My happiness is a state of mind. My state of mind can be changed.

It's also fair to say that a negative state of mind, such as the mind of attachment, is liable to cause me to try and manipulate this situation to its/my detriment {as we already discussed}. So even if this situation weren't headed for disaster before, it may be steared that way by my current actions under the influence of this delusion.

I hope that all doesn't sound too... I don't know, preachy is the wrong word but you get the idea. Keep going telling us what's going on!

{cuddles}

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 12:08 pm

It doesn't sound preachy at all Karl-it sounds pretty spot on to me.

I feel trapped-every part of my body feels like it's buzzing with anguish and frustration knowing that this wonderful person no longer wants me. I'm afraid for the future too-I'm old enough and scarred enough to realise that even though it may feel like this pain is eternal it isn't, but after the years of mental health problems I've had, that have made me believe some truely awful things about myself, I can't see how I can enter into another relationship. It's bad enough worrying (and again I feel horrible for thinking it) that the person I'm losing now knows all these things about me and could use them to destroy any life I try to start for myself, but how can I enter into a new and honest relationship if I can't come clean about what I've been through?

Everything is hollow and without meaning-I love her enough to want her to feel better within herself, and if I thought ending it would be the right thing to do I'd do ot, but I've tried that and it didn't work. I don't want to cause her any more pain. I even feel like getting in contact with her sister just to see if there's anything I can do to resolve this as painlessly for her as possible, but then I worry that doing so will just make things worse.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 12:09 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote: I'd forgotten that you and Dylan used to be together-you still seem to be very close and very friendly, I just hope that when all this is over that things can be that good for us too, but knowing my luck it'll be the exact opposite.

I hope so too. But it will take a lot of time, and effort. What I did was take my time right after the break and have no contact for a month or two.

It's still incredibly hard at times, but I really want to stay friends. And I know that we can.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 12:11 pm

I'm glad you two have made it work. My ex was someone I was happy to see gone, but this girl is special.

Post by **Kaylee** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 1:21 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:It doesn't sound preachy at all Karl-it sounds pretty spot on to me.

I feel trapped-every part of my body feels like it's buzzing with anguish and frustration knowing that this wonderful person no longer wants me. I'm afraid for the future too-I'm old enough and scarred enough to realise that even though it may feel like this pain is eternal it isn't, but after the years of mental health problems I've had, that have made me believe some truely awful things about myself, I can't see how I can enter into another relationship. It's bad enough worrying (and again I feel horrible for thinking it) that the person I'm losing now knows all these things about me and could use them to destroy any life I try to start for myself, but how can I enter into a new and honest relationship if I can't come clean about what I've been through?

Everything is hollow and without meaning-I love her enough to want her to feel better within herself, and if I thought ending it would be the right thing to do I'd do ot, but I've tried that and it didn't work. I don't want to cause her any more pain. I even feel like getting in contact with her sister just to see if there's anything I can do to resolve this as painlessly for her as possible, but then I worry that doing so will just make things worse.

I'm glad you've got in touch with the heart of the matter. It's your insecurities which are causing most of the worry and the problem.

Wy don't you think somebody could be interested in you because of you telling them about the problems you've faced?

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 1:33 pm

Karl Lynch wrote:
Wy don't you think somebody could be interested in you because of you telling them about the problems you've faced?

Because of the nature of them. I've touched on them here when I did that thread about raising ocd awareness. Telling someone that you've spent years fighting a mental disorder that has made you convince yourself you've had cancer, AIDS and that you're a paedophile will send most people running in the opposite direction, probably telling everyone they meet on the way that I'm some kind of dangerous freak. Particularly the last one, as very few people know what ocd is, so would only focus on the paedophile bit. I'm sure that must raise questions, so if anybody has any please ask.

Post by **Kaylee** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:02 pm

I'm afraid I've nothing to offer on how to approach that with people. If it helps I can utterly empathise, I have exceedingly dark regions of my sexuality that I tell very very few people. Generally I inform people about them on a need to know basis. They hurt nobody, and most people don't need to know. If they did know however they would almost certainly think I was insane.

About all I can offer is don't let it get in the way of you, just be who you are and people will love you for that. If anybody gets close enough to deserve being informed, tell them and if they are really worth knowing they will understand completely and support you ^_^

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:07 pm

Thanks Karl.

Just so we're clear, I've never wanted to do anything innapropriate to children, rather my ocd made me want to believe that I did. It's what it does-takes things that are personally shocking and unnacceptable to yourself, and makes you believe that they are a hidden part of your wants and desires, which isn't the case. It's extremely upsetting and soul-destroying, and blinds you to the fact that the kind of people who would commit those horrific acts wouldn't get upset and terrified in the way that someone with ocd does. It's hard to explain, but I hope you can understand.

Post by **Kaylee** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:12 pm

I understood before and I understand now ^_^

I know a couple of people with ocd, anyone who can get to grips with it deserves all my respect

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:13 pm

Thankyou.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:20 pm

It's over.

Brendocon · Post by **Brendocon** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:25 pm

****.

Permanently? I really don't want to push any questions as I don't know how good a state of mind you'd be in to deal with it...

I'm really sorry to hear that, man.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:27 pm

Yep-in the end we agreed to split. I don't know if we can stay friends, that's down to how she feels, but I don't want her hating me.

Post by **Kaylee** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:33 pm

hang in there sweety!

have you got people to talk to, family and friends?

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:37 pm

Karl Lynch wrote:hang in there sweety!

have you got people to talk to, family and friends?

A few.

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 3:45 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:
Karl Lynch wrote:hang in there sweety!

have you got people to talk to, family and friends?
A few.

I find this place helps alot with lifes troubles.

http://www.transfans.net/index.php

Chin up man. Were all here for you.

Post by **Kaylee** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:00 pm

if you want a friendly voice to talk to i can pm you my phone number ^_^

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:04 pm

*hug*

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:05 pm

Karl Lynch wrote:if you want a friendly voice to talk to i can pm you my phone number ^_^

That's really nice of you Karl.

Is it a land-line, because I can't really afford to call a mobile.

Post by **Kaylee** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:09 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:
Karl Lynch wrote:if you want a friendly voice to talk to i can pm you my phone number ^_^
That's really nice of you Karl. Is it a land-line, because I can't really afford to call a mobile.

Ah...

Plan B- I call you

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:13 pm

I don't want my problems to cost you!

Post by **Kaylee** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:15 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:I don't want my problems to cost you!

What if i text you

I'm sure it'll be alright ^_^

Post by **Kaylee** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:18 pm

If you'd prefer i could use msn, aol or yahoo! or just the chat room here

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:19 pm

Hell with it-if you really don't mind, PM me your number and I'll ring you.