Crappy Jokes!

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:47 pm

Ill start (as its MY thread)

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:55 pm

Terrible, and I still laughed.

I once knew a man with five trouser snakes. His underpants fit like a glove.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 1:32 pm

A wig and a turd walk into a pub.

The wig says "I'll have a pint, and my mate'll have a brandy".

Barman says "Sorry chaps, can't serve ya I'm afraid".

Wig says "Why the [composite word including 'f*ck'] not?"

Barman replies "Because you're off yer head, and your mate's steaming".

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:02 pm

- Have you ever had sex with my wife?
- No!
- You should. She's much better than yours.

Post by **Best First** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:10 pm

Knock Knock?

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:14 pm

Who's there?

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:14 pm

Best First wrote:Knock Knock?

Whos there? (this is gonna raise the old post count)

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:15 pm

big ish

Post by **Best First** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:15 pm

Obfleur wrote:Who's there?

Doctor

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:16 pm

Best First wrote:
Obfleur wrote:Who's there?
Doctor

Doctor who?

Post by **Best First** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:17 pm

Obfleur wrote:
Best First wrote:
Obfleur wrote:Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?

Yaaaaaaaaaay.

gotta love it.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:23 pm

Guy walks into a bar with a set of jump leads.
Barman says, "Oi, you'd better not start anything in here!"

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:34 pm

A Smartee breaks out of the Smartee factory and walks around sweetland saying "I'm the hardest sweet in town". He storms into a bar and demands a pint saying "Give me a pint, cos I'm the hardest sweet in town!" as he's drinking his pint in walks a locket, and the smartee dives under a table. When the locket leaves he pokes his head out and the bartender asks, "if you're so hard, what are you doing under that table?" To which the smatree replies "I may be the hardest sweet in town, but that locket's menthol!"

Shanti418 · Post by **Shanti418** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:01 pm

Two crackers were walking down the street.

One of them was assalted.

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:13 pm

As told to me by a dear young lady friend years ago in Jr. High. Note both she and her best friend, another dear friend of mine from times past, found it hilarious.

So this hunter is walking through the woods and he sees a rabbit stick its head out of big hole in a log.

The rabbit jumps out and runs to the left, then it runs to the right. It stops, looks around, and says, "Radio? What radio?"

One of the dumbest things I ever heard. Clearly drugs were involved in it's making. Still keeps me up at night.

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 6:56 pm

Shanti418 wrote:Two crackers were walking down the street.

One of them was assalted.

penuts

Señior's Covenant · Post by **Señior's Covenant** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 7:18 pm

Quit talking about my... ...oh, peanuts.

Two guys walked into a bar... ...the third one ducked.

One guy: I bet I can make you speak like an indian.
Another guy: How?
One guy: Told you I could.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Guy calls into work and tells his boss he can't make it in because he's
sick.

Boss: "Well I'm sorry to hear that. What do you have?"

Employee: "Anal-glaucoma."

The boss is more than a bit surprised by the name of the illness and
can't resist to ask, "what is that?"

Employee: "I can't see my ass coming in to work today."

Not in the same spirit of the other jokes here, but funny.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 9:31 pm

What's green and wears an apron?

A cooking apple.

Master_Fwiffo · Post by **Master_Fwiffo** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 9:53 pm

My bad jokes can own you all.

-Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says 'Boy its hot in here.' The other one says 'Holy crap! A talking muffin!'

-Two men are walking through a forrest. One of them says, 'Hey look, a mushroom!' The mushroom says 'So what?' Another two men are walking through a forrest, and one of them says 'Hey look, a mushroom!' The other one says 'So what?" The mushroom says 'Oh great, now what am I supposed to say?" Another two men are walking through a forrest, and one of them says 'Hey look, a tree!" The tree says 'So what? Theres a mushroom over there!"

-Three men are going hunting. The first one goes off, and comes back some time later carrying a rabbit. The other two say, "How'd you catch that?" The man says 'I followed tracks and tracks and tracks and BAM, I ran into a rabbit." The second one goes off, and comes back with a deer. The other two go, 'How'd you catch that?" "Well, I followed tracks and tracks and tracks and BAM, I ran into the deer." The third one goes off, and after a very long time, stumbles back all beaten and bruised, and generally in bad shape. The other two go, "Woah... what happened to you?" He wearily says, "Well, I followed tracks and tracks and tracks and BAM, I ran into a train."

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 11:19 pm

3 cowboys are sitting around the fire discussing "toughness"

The first one jumps up and yells "Im so tough that I once wrestled a wild steer to the ground by the horns, climbed up on its back, and rode it to the market."

The second one counters "Oh yeah? Once I came across a rattlesnake, spit in its eye, picked it up with my bare hands, cracked it like a whip and broke its spine. Thats where I got my boots."

The third cowboy didnt say anything, he just kept slowly stirring the fire with his penis..

angloconvoy · Post by **angloconvoy** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 1:26 am

Why shouldn't you insult a dwarf with a learning disability?

Cos its not big and its not clever!

Post by **Computron** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 2:27 am

IronHide.

/Well I found it funny...

What do you get from sitting on a glacier for too long?

Polaroids.

Joe calls his boss and tells him he can't come in to work because he is sick. He says his head hurts, his stomach hurts, his legs are real bad, he just can't make it. His boss says, "Oh, I am so sorry, but I have a cure for that. Do what I do. I just make love to my wife and everything turns out OK." Joe says that he is willing to try it. The next morning he goes in to work and tells his boss, "You were right, and you have a nice house too."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants, and the bartender says, "Hey, what's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate answers, "Aye, it's driving me nuts."

"Laughter is what proves our humanity, and the ability to give a terrific party is a sign of true class. When Moses came down from the mountain with the clay tablets, he said, "Folks, I was able to talk Him down to 10. Unfortunately, we had to leave adultery in there, but you will notice that Solemnity was taken out." And that night the Israelites killed the fatted calf and drank wine and told bible jokes in celebration."
- Garrison Keillor

Gekigengar · Post by **Gekigengar** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 4:24 am

I got a bad joke for you.... I just need a mirror that's all.

IronHide · Post by **IronHide** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:28 am

Computron wrote:IronHide.

/Well I found it funny...

Oh! Oh! I get it!! Ha!! You're saying that I'm a bad joke! Oh man...that's good stuff.

Anywayzzzz.

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll hold these two up.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese!

And finally, my personal favorite....

Did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out?

It's rated Arrrrrr!!!

Gekigengar · Post by **Gekigengar** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 6:05 am

A Polish captain of a polish cargo ship is sailing thru the atlantic in mid 1942, wearing white pants. The ship in which this captain was commanding was ordered to stop and be ready to be boarded and inspected by by the order of a captain of a U.S. Battleship. The captain's first mate asked, if he wanted to change into his brown pants. The captain replied, "no that will not be necessary."

Two hours later, the captain was then again ordered to stop and be boarded for inspection, this time by a British captain of a British battleship, still wearing that white pants. The first mate then again asked, if wanted to change into his brown pants. Captain replied: "no, that will not be necessary."

Three hours later, the first mate came running to the captain and reported that the u-boat captain requested that they stop, wait for boarding and inspection. The first mate again asked "should I get the brown pants for you sir?" The captain then replied "No, they are brown already."

Gekigengar · Post by **Gekigengar** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 6:18 am

An allied POW, was captured and had a badly injured leg. The Nazi surgeon said: "In order to save you we have to amputate your leg". The allied POW then asked the surgeon to request a wish from the commandant of the camp if he could preserve and place his leg in a wooden box, and parachuted to his commanders in the allied side of the line. The Nazi commandant then said, "sure why not, that is the least we can do".

The next day, the same allied POW, had problems with his arm, the current surgeon that was there said, "we need to amputate you again in order to save your life". The POW of course requested the same wish and was granted that his arm be preserve and sent to the allied lines.

The third day, the POW's other leg was in bad shape and again had to be amputated... he asked for the same wish only to have the commandant answer this: "Nein, we thinks you are trying to escape."

Darth Aux · Post by **Darth Aux** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 6:31 pm

Why did the Kangaroo hop?

Because he had a broken leg.

Stormwolf · Post by **Stormwolf** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 8:42 pm

A man walks over a bridge and sees a elderly woman sitting near the water with a hammer, the man asks "what are you doing?", the elderly woman responds "give me €5,- and I'll tell you", the man pays the money and the woman responds with "I sit here and wait till a fish comes by, I then hit it over the head with the hammer bring it home and eat it". The man then asks "does this actually bring anything?", the old woman then responds with "yeah, about 7 €5.- bills each day".

Master_Fwiffo · Post by **Master_Fwiffo** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 8:47 pm

Computron wrote:A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants, and the bartender says, "Hey, what's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate answers, "Aye, it's driving me nuts."

God help me, I laughed so hard it hurt at that.

Im sad.

saysadie · Post by **saysadie** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 7:10 am

Optimus Prime Rib wrote:3 cowboys are sitting around the fire discussing "toughness"

The first one jumps up and yells "Im so tough that I once wrestled a wild steer to the ground by the horns, climbed up on its back, and rode it to the market."

The second one counters "Oh yeah? Once I came across a rattlesnake, spit in its eye, picked it up with my bare hands, cracked it like a whip and broke its spine. Thats where I got my boots."

The third cowboy didnt say anything, he just kept slowly stirring the fire with his penis..

This one...

Computron wrote:A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants, and the bartender says, "Hey, what's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate answers, "Aye, it's driving me nuts."

With a bit of variation is one of my favourite pirate jokes. I must have heard it a hundred times but (barring the moments I'm in a ****** mood) I still giggle every time I hear it.

Bad pirate jokes rule! There are a couple floating around in my head but I can't remember exactly how they go... So I googled one.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"