Over

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 6:45 pm

*ba dum bum*

Post by **Best First** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 8:50 pm

you are all f*cvking awesome.

and Karl - you are the sh*t. Which is apparently a compliment.

Serioulsy - i could relate to so much of waht you said there - i will reread it and digest it more when i am sober.

I have just been to the pub with friends Paul and Jason and they were great. I could talk about my feelings and i could be honest and it was lovely to be out in public and feel loved and not breakdown (which i was worried about).

and we had a laugh as well.

I know the bad stuff will come back but for a moment i feel almost positive - like despite everything i have a situation that in some way i can take advantage of (back to strip clubs then

).

Karl - you really are awesome. And so's everyone else. But right here and now, to me, especialy you. You will be getting a big (manly;)) hug next time i see you.

I'm so glad i can write this so next time i am low i can see that i will not always be.

i guess work tomorrow is the next challenge (the previous challenge being type properly, which i skipped). I don't have to go but i think i will.

Thankyou so much everyone. Really. This place. Amazing. I'm so chuffed and greatful to know you all and i thank you in advane for whatever support is to come.

Post by **Kaylee** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 10:22 pm

Right back 'atcha

saysadie · Post by **saysadie** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 10:40 pm

Just got in myself-Absolutely gutted for you. But glad to see that you're in good spirits.

So many people here have said words that I would have liked to say but wouldn't have been able to find the proper way to phrase. So, I'll just say "Listen to 'em."

I'll offer a shoulder also if you ever need.

You rock dude. Don't ever believe otherwise.

Post by **Best First** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:41 pm

thanks sades. Plus thabnk you for yoru PM - i really appreciated it.

today is sucking badly - i made it to work but i can't stop thinking about her and what has happened.

Hound · Post by **Hound** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:48 pm

Chin up matey, it's probably not the place you want to be right now but keeping busy will probably help rather than feeling lonely at home.

You know where we are if you need us

Dylan · Post by **Dylan** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:29 pm

I completely drowned myself in work when I was in a similar position... it's a fairly safe hiding place. Not sure if I'd recommend it though.

Post by **Best First** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:35 pm

why's that?

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:37 pm

hes a lifeguard *ba dum bum*

Dylan · Post by **Dylan** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:54 pm

Best First wrote:why's that?

If you were asking me: I was basically supressing my feelings until I had covered a certain temporal distance.

I mean, it hurt so much that I preferred to just walk away, and deal with things later. In a sense, it worked. But it's also a completely idiotic thing to do.

I did exactly the same when dealing with another loss, and even two years later I still feel I never allowed myself to really accept it and be affected. So I'm not sure I actually 'dealt' with the situation.

Post by **Best First** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:58 pm

thanks Dylan

i've just been talking to one of the girls at work and she sayd that it snot really on for Rachel to just make a decision on both of our behalf with little explanation other than 'its been hard'. I kind think she is rightm - i feel i'm owed a bit more than that. When did she stop loving me? Why last week was she on top of me telling me otherwise? I'm not sure ho to go about putting this to her.

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:05 pm

im going through the same thing right now... pissing me right off.

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:10 pm

Jess is acting like a child cause she has to get on a plane thursday, saying things like "Watch, well crash and die... How would you like that huh?" Tears my heart out...

Post by **Best First** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:20 pm

Impactor returns 2.0 wrote:im going through the same thing right now... pissing me right off.

**** - really? I'm so sorry mate.

Redstreak · Post by **Redstreak** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:21 pm

Best First wrote:thanks Dylan

i've just been talking to one of the girls at work and she sayd that it snot really on for Rachel to just make a decision on both of our behalf with little explanation other than 'its been hard'. I kind think she is rightm - i feel i'm owed a bit more than that. When did she stop loving me? Why last week was she on top of me telling me otherwise? I'm not sure ho to go about putting this to her.

I don't know if that's the best idea. It is a logical one, however...you always want to know what did it, when it happened, things like that...but there never really is an answer to be had, certainly not one that would satisfy you, and it could make things worse for you, and make it harder to get over. Plus it could change perceptions, as she might not see it simply as you wanting questions answered...she might see it as you wanting to get back with her.

"It was this and this."

"Well I could have fixed that, why didn't you say so before?(Gimme another chance is also a possibility for one to say here)"

At least, that's been what I've seen and been through with regard to these situations. For you it might be different, of course, but I'd advise against it all the same.

Also resultantly you might make an effort the next time round not to do that same thing, but as each case is different, changing that might prove to be something you don't want to do.

Don't worry about why...you know she made a mistake getting rid of you, damn her reasons for it. Because if you focus on the whys, you will have a longer period to go through to get over her because that's where your brain will be, and it'll depress you. Thoughts of 'if only,' 'if only,' will hit your mind and you'll only be sullied with regret, making it harder to pull yourself out of this.

As Yoda said, "There is no why." It just is...forget the why.

Dylan · Post by **Dylan** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:26 pm

Very sorry to hear that, Mark. I wish you strength.

Paul: please be careful with 'demanding' an explanation. She's having a difficult time too. Sometimes you can't explain things rationally, simply because you're in too much, or it's too emotional.

You want answers and a say in all this, and it's absolutely reasonable and preferrable to handle this situation together. Don't let this happen without any action from you, but give her space as well. If it comes down to it, you will have to accept her decision. As long as there's hope, do your best and make sure she knows how you feel.

Post by **Best First** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:33 pm

maybe i'm kidding myself but i'm just not convinced she is being honest with hereslf. I think maybe she has taken the asy way out ratherthan th best way out.

Dylan · Post by **Dylan** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:45 pm

Could certainly be the case, yes.

sprunkner · Post by **sprunkner** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:56 pm

Just got on. Sorry to hear the bad news BF, or I guess you are Paul to your friends. I feel like you guys are my friends, even if I don't chat or email (not because I don't like y'all, but because I don't really spend much time on the internet). So Paul, sorry, man. When this happened to me I started a new band and generally acted like a cynical bastard all the time.

Strangely enough, I met a girl who like me as a cynical bastard about six months later, and I married her. Strange things happen, sometimes for the best (first) and sometimes for the worst. This probably sounds like bull**** right now. Anyway, I'm sorry, man.

I'm here for you, along with everyone else. I really love this website, and I feel like I can go here and talk to people who actually care when I'm lonely or having a hard day.

Eline · Post by **Eline** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 5:02 pm

I'm not sure there ever will be a satisfying explanation for this. She might not be able to rationally explain it to herself. And even if it's a 'good/rational' explanation, it might not satisfy you.

You can't really explain why you've fallen in love with someone either.

I think working is not bad; you will never be able to hide your feelings and emotions for 24 hours each day, so some distraction is a good thing. Learning that life goes on etc., even tough it hurts so much.

And Mark, take care. *hug*

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 5:28 pm

sorry I cant come up with much to say Paul - i feel like u do now, and I dont have the energy to think. its very depressing.

Metal Vendetta · Post by **Metal Vendetta** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 6:26 pm

Man, I have about three or four close friends who have fallen into the framing business lately, seems like it's just that time. All of them have broken up with fiancees of like 3+ years...Anyway as y'all know this happened to me last year and I'm actually getting on with the ex after a long period of bitterness (mostly on my part). We met up lately, traded photographs of our former life together, she apologised for leaving me psychologically scarred and emotionally damaged (SHE ACTUALLY DID! HA!), and then told me that she's moving to Mexico. From my point of view this is all very positive and healthy, especially as I'm now very unlikely to bump into her at Sainsbury's.

So I guess my advice would be, next time you see her, leave some travel brochures lying about. One of those round-the-world ticket things that take like a year to do. Alternatively you could cash in a load of TFs, buy the ticket yourself and just go travelling instead. I find things generally look better when you know your ex is at least a couple of thousand miles away, even more so when you're on a beach in a foreign country with a drink in one hand.

I think asking her for reasons and stuff will only frustrate both of you in the long run. She has reasons for breaking up with you but even if she can admit them to herself she'll almost certainly never tell you them, and it's unlikely that she can even articulate them to herself. I'd leave the whole "why" conversation for another time, much further down the line.

Oh, and I know some excellent quality strip bars, really good value too.

Post by **Kaylee** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 7:37 pm

it might be helpful to think that when we grieve we do so in stages-

First comes the heartbreak, then the denial/bargaining, then anger. Again, these aren't things which have necessarily changed in the real world, only in our minds.

Poor Mark

you get so much grief from that lady...

Post by **Computron** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 7:52 pm

Metal Vendetta wrote: I find things generally look better when you know your ex is at least a couple of thousand miles away, even more so when you're on a beach in a foreign country with a drink in one hand.

Brazil.

It's summertime there remember.

Mark, hope you're feeling better as well.

Post by **Best First** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 12:11 am

i think i'm digging deeper here. I arranged to see her on saturday to talk, and she asked me about the evening. I said i'd like to spend it with her and she suggested the cinema. I didn't get my hopes up too much but i just thought it might be nice ot spend some time.

Then she rang me back and said we can meet up but she won't spend the evening with me as it will make things 'complicated'. I got quite frustrated. I didn't handle it well - we are still meeting up at the moment but it looks like saturday night i will be on my own in the flat. She asked me to jst accept that he feelings have changed and says that it has happened over a year and a hlf - but just a week ago we were intimate and she told me she loved me and i believed her. And then she says things like she still cares about me, still enjoys my company.

i think its over. But i have to try. But i think i'm ******* up even trying. I hate this.

bobaprime85 · Post by **bobaprime85** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 12:20 am

Paul,

I finally got around to checking the board, and I wish I had more to offer than just a generic "I'm gutted for you" which has been better expressed by other board members. Given how harsh relationships can be, it shows your strength that you're able to deal with it this well. The woman herself certainly isn't making it any easier it seems. Such are the times that try men's souls, I suppose.

Anyway, as has been said before, we're all rooting for you to pull through. Hey, maybe this the low point before everything starts on a wonderful upswing.

Post by **Kaylee** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 12:33 am

Best First wrote:

i think i'm digging deeper here. I arranged to see her on saturday to talk, and she asked me about the evening. I said i'd like to spend it with her and she suggested the cinema. I didn't get my hopes up too much but i just thought it might be nice ot spend some time.

Then she rang me back and said we can meet up but she won't spend the evening with me as it will make things 'complicated'. I got quite frustrated. I didn't handle it well - we are still meeting up at the moment but it looks like saturday night i will be on my own in the flat. She asked me to jst accept that he feelings have changed and says that it has happened over a year and a hlf - but just a week ago we were intimate and she told me she loved me and i believed her. And then she says things like she still cares about me, still enjoys my company.

i think its over. But i have to try. But i think i'm ******* up even trying. I hate this.

It sounds like all you can do is just try and do the best you can... its so easy to fall into the trap of "well maybe if I just do x, y and z..." and then when it doesn't work, you'll only hit yourself on the head even harder.

Perhaps it would do you good to get away from her for a bit, or maybe better yet summon up the strength to finish things finally; to give yourself closure on it, but that's entirely up to you and your discretion

Keep on telling us about it!

Post by **Best First** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 10:05 am

wrote the letter - thanks that wa a great suggestion. I'm acrually erasonably happy with it.

seeing her on saturday to talk - think i will give her the letter first when i get there - if i try and say everything - verbal discharge probably.

Pops - turns out Spaced helps quite a bit - as it is perfect life affirming TV.

thanks everyone.

Optimus Prime Rib · Post by **Optimus Prime Rib** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 11:17 pm

took Jessica and the kids to the airport today. I will be alone for the holidays. I cried like a baby when they got on the plane

Post by **Kaylee** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:36 am

Optimus Prime Rib wrote:took Jessica and the kids to the airport today. I will be alone for the holidays. I cried like a baby when they got on the plane

aww