Something to rile up the local Star Wars fans...

Obfleur · Post by **Obfleur** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 9:28 am

Man, I get to 0wn alot of stuff nowadays

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 9:48 am

Best First wrote:PP that was genius.

George Lucas just kidnapped my family.

Post by **Best First** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 9:56 am

its alright - i have his beard hostage, you will soon get them back.

Pissin' Poonani · Post by **Pissin' Poonani** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 10:47 am

Best First wrote:its alright - i have his beard hostage, you will soon get them back.

Just out of curiosity, what's holding his chins back now?

Seriously though, we mustn't mock Mr Lucas as he is doing us all an immense favour by changing the Star Wars films to the versions he knows we really want, but don't realise that we do.

Some of the radical improvements to The Empire Strikes Back will include:

1. Rather than cut off the Wampa's arm, Luke will now remove a splinter from it's paw and then forgive it. He trips on his way back to the base and knocks himself out though.

2. The Imperial Probe Droid never discovers the Rebel base. This allows the removal of the rather pointless battle/evacuation scene, and allows us to quickly get to the scenes between Luke and Yoda on Degobah.

3. Since no evacuation from Hoth, no chasing of the Falcon through the asteroid field. The rebels end up at Cloud City to stretch their legs, when Vader happens to chance on by.

4. George felt that having Lando, the only main black character, be a double-crossing gambler and cheat was not in keeping with the politically correct Star Wars Universe, and has gone to great lengths to rectify this whilst appealing to a modern audience. He is now running the 'Cloud City Orphanage', and all of his dialogue is to be re-dubbed by Snoop Dogg:

"Fo' shizzle ma Vadernizzle-Solo's ma boy, I 'aint go'n sell him out to no kracka, even if I gots ta take a cap in th'ass. Why you frontin' man? Aw sheeeeiiit-lets discuss this like OG's and fire up a blunt, inhale the chronic and get nicely toasted. And you gots to hook me up with ma own Star Destroyer, that **** is tight!"

5. Instead of chopping off Luke's hand, Vader now stabs him through each palm, and both feet.

6. The "I am your father" line is to be cut. This is to make the audience wonder why Luke throws himself down the shaft, rather than explain everything to them.

7. Oh-the Yoda/Luke scenes will now account for 93% of the film.

8. The ending is no longer Lando and Chewie going to save Han, but rather Luke waking up in his Bacta tank, post accident, to find it was all a dream.

Tres exciting, non?

Post by **Best First** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 11:26 am

Pissin' Poonani wrote:
Best First wrote:its alright - i have his beard hostage, you will soon get them back.
Just out of curiosity, what's holding his chins back now?

nothing - America has a new state.

Oh, you appear to have missed the fact that in Empire and Jedi the emporor will be replaced by a Middle Eastern dictator with a big 'tache.

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 2:07 pm

Star Wars" Double Entendres
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars (A New Hope)"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

Post by **spiderfrommars** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 2:24 pm

Thats ancient! At least 10 years old...

Still funny tho.

How come it hasn't got:

"I have felt him, my master."
"Strange that I have not."

Impactor returns 2.0 · Post by **Impactor returns 2.0** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 3:15 pm

spiderfrommars wrote:Thats ancient! At least 10 years old...

Still funny tho.

How come it hasn't got:

"I have felt him, my master."
"

I knew then that the dark side of the force was in fact a pedo ring

Jetfire · Post by **Jetfire** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 5:59 pm

HAHA.

First time I've seen that Imps. great stuff, especially the Empire bit.

Magna Prime · Post by **Magna Prime** » Wed Aug 25, 2004 8:29 pm

Pissin' Poonani wrote:Taken from the news section over at IMDb:

"Lucas To Make 'Star Wars' Sequels?

If it's anything short of Timothy Zahn's original trilogy of books, I won't be impressed (so chances are, I won't be impressed

)

TransFans.co.uk

Something to rile up the local Star Wars fans...

Which movie is best?