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Has anyone ever dated someone much older than them?

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:48 am
by Professor Smooth
I'm kinda seeing this woman... We've just started seeing each other, but we've been trading e-mails for a few months. I have a great time with her. She's smart, funny, different from most everyone else in Japan (which is saying something) and we have a lot in common. We like the same kinds of music and out differences of opinion are just that, opinions. Her reasoning for dating a foreigner goes beyond the standard, "I like foreigners!" or the unspoken, "I want to try something different." This is nice as being in a relationship where you're probably just going to wind up a story for the girl to tell her friends is...unpleasant.

However, she's somewhere in the area of 13 years older than me. I'm 25, btw.

Has anyone here tried this before? Have the results been good or is this just an all around bad idea? Like I say, I like her. I enjoy being with her, talking to her, and even texting her. But every so often, "She's closer to your mother's age than yours" pops into my mind.

Damn, I miss having people I could actually talk to about this kind of thing. It's one of those things you THINK one would think of before flinging themselves into a foreign country but...

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:55 pm
by Hound
My first boyfriend was 34. I was 18 at the time.

To me the age gap really didn't matter, and to him it was of no concern either.

However as the relationship developed I think it did cause difficulties. As I was so young I wanted to go out and do things that he had already experienced and had no interest in doing again. It caused rifts and resentment between us and we broke up after a year.

Being 25 instead of 18 this may be less of an impact to you, but it is something to consider. I think your priorities in life change when you get to a certain age.

Re: Has anyone ever dated someone much older than them?

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:08 pm
by Yaya
Professor Smooth wrote:I'm kinda seeing this woman... We've just started seeing each other, but we've been trading e-mails for a few months. I have a great time with her. She's smart, funny, different from most everyone else in Japan (which is saying something) and we have a lot in common. We like the same kinds of music and out differences of opinion are just that, opinions. Her reasoning for dating a foreigner goes beyond the standard, "I like foreigners!" or the unspoken, "I want to try something different." This is nice as being in a relationship where you're probably just going to wind up a story for the girl to tell her friends is...unpleasant.

However, she's somewhere in the area of 13 years older than me. I'm 25, btw.

Has anyone here tried this before? Have the results been good or is this just an all around bad idea? Like I say, I like her. I enjoy being with her, talking to her, and even texting her. But every so often, "She's closer to your mother's age than yours" pops into my mind.

Damn, I miss having people I could actually talk to about this kind of thing. It's one of those things you THINK one would think of before flinging themselves into a foreign country but...


I think there's only two real issue of concern here. Children and the golden years.

The older a women is, the less likely she is to give birth. There is a preset number of eggs in a women, unlike in males where there are usually millions of sperm.

That's not to say she can't have children, just that it might be harder, and more risky. Even if you do not desire children now, you might later. And certainly, if you desire a large family, you have to give such a committment an even greater consideration.

The second concern is when you marry someone younger than you, it is more likely that you will have someone to help take care of you as you age. Children might not be around, and your wife might have passed on if she's much older than you. The younger the wife, the stronger and more vibrant they are in general, and the more likely they are to outlive you. If you do the opposite, that is, marry someone much older than you, then there is a greater chance of the opposite happening. That is, you could outlive her by many years.

None of this is for sure, but statisically speaking, more likely to happen.

Other than this, spending your life with an older women to me would be more appealing because they are likely to have a more mature outlook on life. They are more willing to commit because their proverbial "biological clock" is ticking.

Again, these are just generalities. It really comes down to the individual and her personality, and your own personal taste. But these would be my primary concerns, things I would have to consider strongly before I committed myself.

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:22 pm
by Best First
If you like her, give it a whirl i say.

Its not like you are agreeing to marry her or anything at this stage is it?

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:19 pm
by Impactor returns 2.0
I was in a relationship once where my GF was 10 years older, it wasnt that much of a strain on us to be honest as she used to like doing the things I did.

My current relationship, Suzanne is 5 years older but ive known SUzanne for about 12 years now and I never think of her as being older due to this.

If its all good, go for it but I the thought of having children would cross my mind...

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 9:26 pm
by Professor Smooth
The thought of children has crossed my mind. I've never wanted to have kids. In fact, I've actively desired to NEVER have kids.

My kids would be at least half Caucasian. People like that are not always treated well in Japan. There's yet another reason not to.

Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:39 pm
by Metal Vendetta
I dated a woman 12 years older once. She was great, we really got on well. I say go for it :)

Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:19 am
by Eline
No experience myself, but my boyfriend has had an older girlfriend before we met. I think 8-10 years older or something like that. The only reason they broke up was because it was a long-distance relationship and there was no real possibility of either of them moving.

A friend of mine has a long-term relationship with an older woman as well, and they are very happy together.

I'm not sure what the statistics say, but if you love her then why should you not be together?

Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:08 pm
by Professor Smooth
Well, I went out with her again last night. We were only supposed to go to this one bar that she likes. When the time came for her to catch her last train, though, we decided to both take that train past her stop and to a place in Fukuoka City called Tenjin. It's easily the most interesting place on Kyushu. There are many bars, restaurants, nightclubs, etc. So, we went to a few clubs and just hung out until about 6am. We hit a karaoke bar to sober up before taking the first train back to our respective stations.

I had a great time. A really great time. I have probably had better times seeing this woman over the last week than I did seeing the girl I dated for three years.

It's strange. As I said, she's a bit older than me, and (even though Japanese people tend to look younger than Caucasians) you can tell she's not in her early 20's anymore. But, usually, the eyes give it away. I've seen Japanese people who looked to be around 35, but their eyes show that they're 50-60 years old. This woman doesn't have that. Her eyes make her look younger. They're beautiful. I regret that the Japanese don't usually make eye contact because I have a hard time not looking at them.

For some reason, though, I feel absolutely miserable today.

Has anyone read the book or seen the TV shows/movie Densha Otoko: The Train Man? This is how I feel.

Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:23 am
by Darth Aux
You seem to be enjoying each others company Prof, that's a good sign. Age isn't an issue imo (not when you're 25) I was 21 going out with a 29 year old (She had a child) our priorities were different then. But I think 4 years later, that relationship could've worked.

Anyway, good luck and hope it works out for you. :up:

Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:13 pm
by Yaya
Professor Smooth wrote:For some reason, though, I feel absolutely miserable today.

Has anyone read the book or seen the TV shows/movie Densha Otoko: The Train Man? This is how I feel.


That's cause you were up till 6 am.

I give it three or four days before you feel 'normal'.

Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:12 am
by Professor Smooth
Well, I just got back from seeing her again. We had a great time again. We both decided that we'd like to try seeing each other exclusively. The thought of this makes me so happy. These last few weeks with her have shown me just how bad my last relationship was.

Thanks for all your advice.

Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 12:37 pm
by Darth Aux
Grats Prof :up:

Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 1:37 pm
by Professor Smooth
She grew up in Tokyo. This seems appropriate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJE0kgSj4Ek

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:07 am
by Professor Smooth
Things are going great, but I think the age difference still bothers her a bit. So, I'm trying to look older. Early to mid 30's is my goal. Any tips on how to look or dress older? I absolutely suck with fashion.

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 10:41 am
by Best First
walk with a stick? ;)

er, kind of depends how you dress now mate?

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 12:52 pm
by Impactor returns 2.0
Dont wear any tshirt from t-shirt hell. I found that helps alot...

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 3:21 pm
by angloconvoy
Well, I don't think there's much you can do about looking a different age. And I am speaking as someone who's had experience of dating older women both back home and here in Japan. The age difference may bother on occasion, but let's face it, every couple has some difference which bothers them at time, whether its physical or mental. Don't force it, if she likes you then its for who you are, but if you're comfortable with a style change then try something in smart casual/business casual. You don't have to do it all the time, but you can match it to the situation. That said, every relationship I've ever had has crashed and burned (not due to any age difference you might be glad to hear), so I'm no expert.

Actually, I generally find older women in Japan more pleasant to be around, they've more often got their heads screwed on right, and toned down the cute to bearable levels.

edit: With regards to your first post, I miss having people around to talk about this kind of stuff to as well. Especially times like recently when I got dropped by my last girlfriend (who was the same age as me)

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 3:52 pm
by Professor Smooth
Best First wrote:walk with a stick? ;)

er, kind of depends how you dress now mate?


My look, at the moment, is basically a button up shirt with the occasional tie and jacket. All the time. That's about it.

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:32 pm
by Yaya
Be yourself now so you don't regret it later.

Wear that damn t-shirt.

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:38 pm
by Best First
can't argue with that to be honest. :up:

Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:49 pm
by Guest
Facial hair can give the appearance of adding years, greying too. Also balding, but not shaving.

I'm only going by personal experience, where by sheer laziness I can apparently go from looking mid-to-late 20's to mid-to-late 30's in a single week.

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:01 am
by Professor Smooth
Yaya wrote:Be yourself now so you don't regret it later.

Wear that damn t-shirt.


I feel this needs to be said. I don't particularly like wearing T-shirts. I think they just look cheap. Also, I'm uncomfortably skinny and increasingly insecure about it.

Next, I've never really had my own style, so being "myself" doesn't mean much. You may have seen the pictures of the guy in the full-on pimp suit at BotCon a few years back. That was me, dressed to attract people to plug another TF site to. It worked great, and after the show ended, I never wore it again. I dress mostly in button-up shirts and suits because that's what I wear to work. It wasn't a concious style choice.

I'm doing the best that I can to be honest with her without scaring her off. I told her that I used to collect toys and comics and that I'm still a fan even though I don't collect. I've also told her that a large chunk of my income comes from dealing in Japanese toys. Unlike my previous relationship, I see making changes as something I want to do, not something that's being forced on me.

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:43 am
by Metal Vendetta
Sounds like you're doing it right, Smooth. In terms of dressing older, I don't know what fashions are like in Japan, but wearing good shoes is often a sign of wealth and importance (implying age, I guess). Pay attention to your feet and the rest will follow.

On a minor threadjacking note, GAAAHHHH I just totally failed to score with the UNBELIEVABLY CUTE French girl who lives in my house. She's going travelling tomorrow, I'm leaving Sunday, so I won't see her again unless it's facebookly. And she likes me, and I like her. We had a long talk about it (most of it in French, I'm about as smooth as Smooth), but she just broke up with her boyfriend tonight, and it's too soon for her to, ahem, commit with another guy.

On a side note, GAAAAAAHHH



And further - GAAAAAAHHHHH



Dammit.







C'est la vie.

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:57 am
by Best First
don't underestimate the power of facebook my friend...

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:03 am
by Professor Smooth
Tough break, MV.

I'm off to see her again tonight. In place of my traditional garb, I've got some khakis, a sweater, a new hat, and some new shoes. Thanks for the tips.

I might be meeting her cousin tonight as well. I hope the family likes me.

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:08 am
by Obfleur
Good luck Smooth :)

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 2:04 pm
by Yaya
Professor Smooth wrote:
Yaya wrote:Be yourself now so you don't regret it later.

Wear that damn t-shirt.


I feel this needs to be said. I don't particularly like wearing T-shirts. I think they just look cheap. Also, I'm uncomfortably skinny and increasingly insecure about it.

Next, I've never really had my own style, so being "myself" doesn't mean much. You may have seen the pictures of the guy in the full-on pimp suit at BotCon a few years back. That was me, dressed to attract people to plug another TF site to. It worked great, and after the show ended, I never wore it again. I dress mostly in button-up shirts and suits because that's what I wear to work. It wasn't a concious style choice.

I'm doing the best that I can to be honest with her without scaring her off. I told her that I used to collect toys and comics and that I'm still a fan even though I don't collect. I've also told her that a large chunk of my income comes from dealing in Japanese toys. Unlike my previous relationship, I see making changes as something I want to do, not something that's being forced on me.


Yeah, I guess what I'm saying is don't present yourself as being too different from who you really are.

I mean, we are all going to change some, especially around people we like. We're going to hide the things we know are flaws. You're not human if you don't change, because it's part of being a social creature I suppose.

I think letting her know what you like right now, like toys and comics, is a fantastic idea. More along the lines of what I'm saying. If that scares her off, so be it.

When I met my wife, straight up I let her know that "yes, I'm a doctor, but I collect toys and watch cartoons too, and I'm not changing.". She was okay with that, but still to this day she's embarassed that when her friends walk into my house there's giant Godzilla figure there to greet them in all its fire-spouting glory. That, and about a hundred other sci-fi/fantasy items.

But too bad, she can't blame anyone but herself if she doesn't like it, cause I was straight up with her.

It just works out better in the end, especially for you.

BUT, if you have a trait that you know is not a good one, then I wouldn't present that side of you. Rather, understand that you have to make an effort to change yourself as much as you can for the better in that regard. Because now it's not just you, it's another person.

Being stereotypical for a moment here, the fact that she's Japanese has got to make it a bit easier, I would think, in terms of comics and toys, etc. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can boast the creative imagination of the Japanese. Hell, C3PO and R2D2 were based off of Japanese characters, and we here in the US steal everything from the Japanese. When it comes to creative genius, they are the masters. They understand better than anyone how wonderful the imagination can be, how unlimited it is, and they push all creative limits.

I bet there are more adults in Japan that harbor toys and comics openly than here in the US, where it is viewed as something childish.

Granted, she might still feel this way, but at least her cultural upbringing makes such tastes more pallatable and acceptable I would think. No?

Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:13 pm
by Metal Vendetta
Hope it goes well for you dude. Meeting the family is always a tough one, but I'm sure you'll win them over.

I'm off to have a last breakfast with Ms. France before she goes away. Damn that Argentine guy - I knew he was a dick the first time I met him, liked him even less when she started seeing him, and only now realise just what a total ****ing liability he's been. She's been trying to get out of seeing him for the past week, and only managed to cut him loose last night...pretty poor timing all round. So it goes.

Best First wrote:don't underestimate the power of facebook my friend...

I know, it's served me well in the past. And she's promised I can visit her in France when we both get back to Europe. I have a reason to get in touch too - she played a zombie in my forthcoming youtube short "Los Muertos Vivientes En Buenos Aires" - so I don't think I'll be shy about that.

Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:21 pm
by Professor Smooth
I met her cousin. She seemed very nice. She did not speak English, so I had to do my best in Japanese.

Quick aside: I don't expect people in Japan to speak English. I also don't fault them for it. I view the language barrier as my problem, not theirs. Even though it's my job to teach them English, I believe that it's my responsibility to learn Japanese. That said, I've been kinda slacking over the past few months.

Anyway, she asked if I could speak Japanese. I told her that I can speak a little, but that it was very difficult. Then I told her that being able to talk to my girlfriend was the reason I was studying more. She liked that and left shortly after that.

We've been having a good time together every time we've met. This weekend, though, I have a bit of a dilemma. She's very tired this week and wants to go somewhere where there aren't a lot of people around. I've been racking my mind trying to think of something to do for that, but I'm coming up empty. Where can I take her that won't have a lot of people around?