Read this thread or miss out on some hilarious stuff.

(poster by CobraCo)

Coming very very soon to a board near you...

Is Obi Wan going to get gunned down by Bruce Willis?

Bring me my lightsaber. It's the one that says "Bad MFer" on it.

LOL nice you da man for making that.

A long time ago, in a fiction far far away…

INT. JAK DAXTER'S CANTINA, CORUSCANT

Dooku and Sidious are sitting at a table. They seem to be interested in several of the people that are walking around.

DOOKU: Are you sure they will be here?
SIDIOUS: I have forseen it.
DOOKU: Would you stop saying that all the time already? Jeez.
SIDIOUS: When they arrive, we will have to be ready, strike them down and win a victory for the Dark Side.
DOOKU: You're one obsessive motherf**ker, you know that?
SIDIOUS: Yes, and because I am, we will conquer the Republic without fail.

(Two figures walk past)

SIDIOUS: There they are.
DOOKU: Just say when.
SIDIOUS: Now. (stands) Everybody be cool, this revolt will only take a second!
DOOKU: Any of you f**kers move and I'll dice each and every last one of you.

PULP JEDI title sequence.

INT. LANDSPEEDER, MORNING.

Mace Windu is driving, Obi-Wan Kenobi is in the passenger seat.

WINDU: So tell me about Tatooine again...
KENOBI: Ok, what you want to know?
WINDU: Death sticks are legal there.
KENOBI: It’s legal, but it ain't a hundred percent legal. But you’re only supposed to use them at home or in designated places.
WINDU: Like the cantinas?
KENOBI: Right. It breaks down like so; it’s legal to buy them, and if you’re a proprietor of a cantina, it’s legal to sell it, which don’t matter, cuz the stormtroopers there can’t search you. It’s against the law since they aren’t part of the Republic.
WINDU: That did it, I’m f**king going and I’d like to see your ass try and stop me.
KENOBI: Fair enough. But you wanna know what the funniest thing about Tatooine is?
WINDU: What?
KENOBI: Little s**t. They got the same s**t we got on Coruscant, but different. Like a quarter pounder with cheese. Know what they have over there?
WINDU: They ain’t got quarter pounders with cheese?
KENOBI: No man, they got the outlander system out there, they don’t know what the f**k a quarter pounder is!
WINDU: So what do they call it then?
KENOBI: Womp rat with cheese.
WINDU: Womp rat with cheese...Is it any good?
KENOBI: Not bad at all, I don’t mind saying. And you know what they put on fries over there?
WINDU: I’m afraid to ask at this point.
KENOBI: Some s**t called Jawa Juice. And they f**kin’ drown them in it.
WINDU: Eeech!

INT. LANDSPEEDER TRUNK. Still very morning.

WINDU: Man, we should have f**kin’ proton torpedoes for this.
KENOBI: How many up there?
WINDU: About three or four.
KENOBI: Including our guy?
WINDU: I’m not sure.
KENOBI: So there could be five of ‘em?
WINDU: It’s possible.
KENOBI: We should have f**kin’ proton torpedoes.

They take out the lightsabers and close the trunk.

EXT. APT. COMPLEX, HEADING INSIDE.

KENOBI: What's her name?
WINDU: Padmé.
KENOBI: How did Anakin and her meet?
WINDU: I dunno, however people meet people. She usta be a Queen.
KENOBI: Queen? She rule anyplace i would know?
WINDU: I think her biggest deal was in the senate.
KENOBI: The Senate?
WINDU: You know the political bodies that make laws?
KENOBI: I don't like politicians.
WINDU: Well you are aware that there are certain political bodies and from these bodies they make laws?
KENOBI: Yeah.
WINDU: Well the way they pick the laws is to elect people from each of the planets in the republic and these people are called senators. She's one of the ones who proposes a lot of laws, weird s**t too. She got Palpatine elected chancellor.
KENOBI: Ah yes, that was her...

They enter the apartment building.

WINDU: You remember Boss Nass?
KENOBI: The gungan fat boy, right?
WINDU: Yeah, he got a weight problem. What’s a brother gonna do, he’s an old gungan.
KENOBI: I believe you have a reason for bringing him up.
WINDU: That’s right, motherf**ker. Word round the campfire is that Anakin f**ked him but good. And word is it’s on account of Anakin Skywalker’s wife.

Enter Elevator.

KENOBI: What’d he do, f**k her?
WINDU: F**k no, not that bad. He gave her a foot massage.
KENOBI: That’s it?
WINDU: With his tongue...you seen them gungan tounges, haven’t you?
KENOBI: Yeah...what’d Anakin do?
WINDU: Sent a couple badass Jedi over there and they pitched him outta a palace window, five floors up on Naboo. And the Queen, she got a f**kin’ greenhouse down there, and he went right through. Since then he’s kinda got a speech impedement.

They get off.

KENOBI: That’s a shame, but play with fire, ya get burned, I always say.
WINDU: What do ya mean?
KENOBI: You don’t be givin’ f**kin Anakin Skywalker’s new bride a foot massage with a tongue like that. It’s as bad as eatin’ Tauntaun. Those f**kers have no disregard for their own s**t.
WINDU: Hold up, stop right there. Tongue massages and eating Tauntauns ain’t even in the same f**kin’ thing. Ain’t even the same f**kin’ ballpark, the same league, hell, the same sport. Foot massages, tongue or no, don’t mean s**t.
KENOBI: You ever given a foot massage?
WINDU: Yeah, I’m the f**kin’ foot master over here.
KENOBI: Given a lot of them?
WINDU: S**t yeah. got my technique down and everything, i don't tickle or nothin.
KENOBI: Would you ever give a guy a foot massage?
WINDU(pauses): F**k you.

They walk along, Kenobi trailing slightly.

KENOBI: How many Jedi feet you rubbed down there foot Master Windu?
WINDU: F**k you.
KENOBI: I'm rather tired, would you give me a foot massage?
WINDU: Man, you best back off. I'm getting pissed, and we're here.

Door is number 1138. They are whispering.

Windu: What time is it?
Kenobi: 7:22.
Windu: It’s not quite time yet, let’s hang back.

They step a few feet away, still talking low.

WINDU: Look, just cuz I wouldn't give no man a foot massage dont make it f**king right for Anakin to throw f**kin Boss Nass off a building, f**king up how he talks. That ain't right, man. He do that s**t to me, I'll kill the motherf**ker.
KENOBI: I'm not saying what Anakin did was right, but you're sayin' a foot massage with that big old gungan tongue don't mean nothing...I'm saying it does. I've given a million ladies a million foot massages and they all meant something. We may do the Jedi mind thing and make em think it doesn't but they do. that's what so f**kin' cool about em. This sensual thing's going on that nobody's talkin about but you know it and she knows it, and f**kin' Anakin knew it, and Boss Nass shoulda f**kin' known better. that's his f**kin wife... he ain't gonna have a sense of humor about that s**t...lucky he didn't make Sandpeople fodder outta them like the last time he wigged out over something.
WINDU: That’s an interesting point, but let’s get into character.
KENOBI: what you say her name was again?
WINDU: Padmé...Padmé Amidala. hey why you so interested in big Ani's wife?
KENOBI: well Anakin is leaving for Naboo and when he's gone he wants me to take care of Padmé.
WINDU: Take care of her? (making a gun out of his finger and placing it to his head.)
KENOBI: NOT THAT! Take her out...show her a good time...maybe a pod race or something...don't let her get lonely
WINDU: you're going to be takin' Padmé Amidala Skywalker out on a date?
KENOBI: It ain't a date. It's like when you and your buddy's wife go to a movie or somethin'. It's just...you know...good company.

Windu just looks at him.

KENOBI: It's not a date.

Windu just looks at him.

KENOBI: I'm not going to be a bad Jedi...

Windu shakes his head and mumbles to himself.

WINDU: Bitch gonna kill more Jedi than time
KENOBI: What was that?
WINDU: Nothing, let's get into character.
KENOBI: What'd you say?
WINDU: I didn't say s**t...lets go to work.
KENOBI: Don't try that Jedi mind s**t with me damnit...I know it just as well as you, now what the f**k did you just say?
WINDU: (referring to the job) Look...you wanna do this?
KENOBI: I want you to stop waving that damn finger around and repeat what you said!
WINDU: That door is gonna open in about 30 seconds so get yourself together.
KENOBI: Myself is together.
WINDU: Yeah right...yo mind is on that sweet Queen senator, Jedi warpin' ass...

INT. APT 1138.

Two gungans and a human are within, and the human flips open the peephole to see Kenobi and Windu outside.

WINDU: Heya, kiddies!

The two Jedi stroll inside.

Inside there are two Gungans, one laying on the couch. The other is Jar Jar Binks, and then there’s Darth Maul, who opens the door and slowly backs into the corner.

WINDU: ‘Sup guys!

No answer.

WINDU: Am i losing touch with the Force or did i just ask you a question?
BINKS: Mesa okie-day!

Obi-Wan moves behind the counter.

WINDU: D’you know who we are?

Binks shakes his head no like a moron.

WINDU: We're associates of your business partner Anakin Skywalker, you remember your business partner dont'ya?

No answer.

WINDU(to Binks): I’m gonna take a wild f**king guess and say you’re Jar Jar, right?
BINKS: Me sa Jar Jar.
WINDU: I thought so. Now, you DO remember your business partner, right Jar Jar?
BINKS: Me sa remember...yesa mesa do
WINDU: Good! Looks like me and Obi-Wan caught you boys at breakfast. What ya eatin’?
BINKS: They-sa Bantha burgers.
WINDU: the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. where'd you get 'em?
BINKS: Big Ka-Jabba’s!
WINDU: Big Ka-Jabba's! That's the Hutt's burger joint, ain't it? i hear they got some tasty burgers. you mind if i try yours?
BINKS: No
WINDU: This one's yours?
BINKS: Yessa
WINDU(takes a big bite of burger): Damn, that’s a tasty f**kin’ burger. Obi-Wan, you ever try a Big Ka-Jabba burger?
KENOBI: Nope.
WINDU(holds out burger): you wanna bite? they're f**kin' good.
KENOBI: I ain't hungry
WINDU: Well if ya like bantha burgers give 'em a try some time. I don't usually get to eat 'em cuz most of the Jedi are vegetarian, which makes me vegetarian. but I love a good burger.(to Binks) You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese on Tattooine?
BINKS: No-sa.
WINDU: Tell 'em, Obi-Wan.
KENOBI: "Womp rat with cheese"
WINDU: You know why they call it that?
BINKS: Theysa the outland system?
WINDU: Check out the brain on Jar Jar. You’re a smart motherf**ker, that’s right.

He points at the cup.

WINDU: You mind if I have some of that tasty beverage to wash this burger down?
BINKS: Yousa go right ahead okie day?
WINDU(grabs the cup and takes a sip): Umm, that hits the spot. (To Captain Tarpals) You, prod rod boy, you know why we’re here?

Tarpals nods yes.

WINDU: then why don't you tell m'boy Obi-Wan where ya got the s**t hid.
MAUL: It’s under the be—
WINDU: I don’t remember asking you a goddamn thing. (To Tarpals) You were sayin’?
TARPALS: Itsa in the cupboard...no the onesa by your knees.

Obi-Wan opens the cupboard and reaches in pulling out a black snap briefcase. He opens it, a golden glow moves across his face and he is silent and stares transfixed.

WINDU: We happy?

No answer.

WINDU: Obi-Wan!
KENOBI(closes case): We happy, yeah.

BINKS(to Mace): What'sa yousa's name? Mesa got his name...Obi Wan, but whatsa yours?
WINDU: My name's Jedi-f**king-master Mace Windu, and your ass ain't talkin' yer way outta this s**t.
BINKS: Me sa justa wanting you to know how muy muy sorry wesa are ober howsa fubared things got between us and Missa Anakin. When wesa entered into thissa thing, wesa only had the besta intentions.

As Jar Jar talks, Mace pulls out his lightsaber and delapitates one of the couches just above Tarpals' head....barely missing him.

WINDU: I’m sorry, did I break your concentration? I think you said something about best intentions?

Binks can’t speak.

WINDU: Oh, you were done anyway. Well, allow me to retort! What does Anakin Skywalker look like?

Binks still can’t speak, but has soiled himself. Windu cuts the table in half.

WINDU: What planet you from??
BINKS: What-sa?!?
WINDU: What-sa? Ain’t no planet I ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What-sa?
BINKS: Whatsa?!!?
WINDU: Bocce, motherf**ker, do you speak it?!
BINKS: Yessa!
WINDU: Then you understand what i'm sayin'
BINKS: Yessa
WINDU: Then describe what Anakin Skywalker looks like!
BINKS: (out of fear) What-sa?
WINDU: Say what-sa again! Come on, motherf**ker, I dare ya, double-dare ya, say what-sa again!

Binks says nothing but vomits.

WINDU: Now describe to me what Anakin Skywalker looks like!
BINKS: he'sa...he'sa...he's white… He'sa....he'sa tall
WINDU: --Does he look like a bitch?
BINKS(Without thinking): What-sa?!?

Windu glances at Obi Wan, who smirks, then cuts one of Jar Jar’s floppy-ass ears off.

WINDU: Does he look like a bitch!
BINKS: No-sa!!!
WINDU: Then why you tryin' to f**k him like a bitch?
BINKS: No-sa...me-sa no f**ksa Ani like a bitch
WINDU: yes you did Jar Jar...yes...you...did! You tried to f**k him like a bitch...and Anakin Skywalker don't like to be f**ked by anybody but that sweet ass Mrs. Skywalker.

In a lower voice.

WINDU: You read the Bible Jar Jar?
BINKS: Yess-sa
WINDU: There's this passage I gots memorized, seems appropriate for this situation, Ezekial 25:17. 'The path of the righteous Jedi is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

They slash backwards and forwards and the scene fades out mysteriously...

[This message has been edited by Redstreak (edited 04-16-2003).]

Pure.

Unadulterated.

Class.

I can so visualize everything happening...the whole Ka-Jabba burger part had me in stiches.

now... that is cool!

Odd, I was expecting more of a response...

Part 2 coming soon in any event. Mwahaha.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Redstreak:
Odd, I was expecting more of a response...

Part 2 coming soon in any event. Mwahaha.

---

They probably don't know this is a fanfic type thingy...I'll change that...hold on.

OBI-WAN KENOBI AND ANAKIN SKYWALKER’S WIFE

Jango is sitting, helmet off, in front of Anakin Skywalker, who is offscreen.

ANAKIN: You’ll find that when this sh*t’s all done, you’ll be one filthy rich motherf**ker. You’re in a business that’s always changin’, new talent comin’ in all the time. That’s why ya gotta gets what you can get while it’s there. That’s a hard f**kin’ fact, but it’s true and your ass has gotta realize it. You gotta be the best right now, cuz sayin’ you were the best later ain’t gonna get you a womp rat sammich. (Hands over an envelope full of cash) F**k pride, f**k respect. This is about gettin your ass paid. In a year you’re gonna say, “Hey. Anakin was right, f**k it all, I got the cash!”
FETT: Got no problem with that.
ANAKIN: On the fifth lap your ass goes down.

(Jango nods)

ANAKIN: Say it!
FETT: On the fifth lap my ass goes down.

Cut to a door with one of those privacy slits. Kenobi and Windu are standing out there, and the slit is slid open, and Watto's eyes greet the two travelers.

WATTO: Ey, Obi-Wan Kenobi, our man in Tattooine, get your podracing ass in here.

Kenobi and Windu walk in. The door slides shut behind them.

INT. CANTINA

Watto flies over to the bar. Kenobi and Windu follow, their attire looking conspicuously weird in this setting.

WATTO: The hell happened to yous guys?
WINDU: Don’t ask. Don’t f**king ask.
KENOBI (rolls eyes): Will you knock it off already?

Mace shakes his head, then hangs to one side, watching the discussion at the other side of the room while Kenobi strikes up talk with Watto.

KENOBI: Where's the big man?
WATTO: He's over there, finishing up some business.

Jango shakes hands with a huge figure with his back to us. The huge figure is the infamous and as yet still UNSEEN Anakin.

WATTO: Hang back for a second or two, and when you see the white boy leave, go on over. In the meanwhile, can I make either of you gentlemen an espresso?
WINDU(shakes head): Nah, I’m good.
KENOBI: How 'bout a cup of just plain ol' Tatooine swatch?
WATTO: Ey, a man likes what he likes, I tell ya. So I hear you be taking out Padmé tomorrow?
KENOBI: At Anakin's request.
WATTO: Have you met Padmé?
KENOBI: Not yet.

Watto grins.

KENOBI: What's so funny?
WATTO: Not a goddamn thing.
KENOBI: Look, I'm not a idiot. She's the big man's f**kin' wife. I'm gonna sit across a table, chew my food with my mouth closed, laugh at her f**king jokes and that's all I'm gonna do.

Watto puts Obi-Wan's coffee in front of him.

WATTO: My name's Paul, and this between y'all.

Jango bellies up to the bar next to Obi-Wan, drinking his cup of "Tattooine Swatch,” as Mace goes over to Anakin with the suitcase and they embrace warmly and talk a moment.

FETT(to Watto): Can I get a pack'a sticks?
WATTO: Filters?
FETT: Non.

While Jango waits for his smokes, Obi-Wan just sips his coffee, staring at him. Jango looks over at him.

FETT: Lookin' at somethin', friend?
KENOBI: I ain't your friend, motherf**ker.

Jango does a slow burn toward Obi-Wan.

FETT: What was that?
KENOBI: I think ya heard me just fine, punchy.

Jango turns his body to Obi-Wan, when...

ANAKIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi has entered the building, git your ass over here!

Obi-Wan walks over to Anakin, never giving Jango another glance. Jango, left alone, looks like he's ready to go into the manners-teaching business.

(FETT'S POV):
Obi-Wan hugging and kissing the obscured figure that is Anakin. Jango makes the wise decision that is this asshole's a friend of Anakin, he better let it go -- for now.

WATTO: Pack of sticks, 3 credits.

Jango is snapped out of his ass-kicking thoughts. He pays Watto and walks out.

INT. KI-ADI-MUNDI'S HOUSE (KITCHEN)

Adi Gallia, a woman who appears to have a fondness for earrings. Both of her ears are pierced five times. She also sports a ring in her nose.

GALLIA: ...I'll lend it to you. It's a great book on body piercing.

Adi Gallia, Obi-Wan and a young woman named Sabe’ sit at the kitchen table of a suburban house not far from the Jedi temple. Even though Obi-Wan is at the same table, he's not included in the conversation.

SABE’: You know how they use that gun when they pierce your ears? They don't use that when they pierce your nipples, do they?

GALLIA: Forget that gun. That gun goes against the entire idea behind piercing. All of my piercing, sixteen places on my body, every one of 'em done with a needle. Five in each ear. One through the
nipple on my left breast. One through my right nostril. One through my left eyebrow. One through my lip. One in my clit. And I wear a stud in my tongue.

Obi-Wan has been letting this conversation go through one ear and out the other, until that last remark.

KENOBI (interrupting): Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. I'm curious, why would you get a stud in your tongue?

Gallia looks at him and says as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

GALLIA: It's a sex thing. It helps when going down.

That thought never occurred to Obi-Wan, but he can't deny it makes sense. Gallia continues talking to Sabe’, leaving Obi-Wan to ponder the truth of her statement.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: Obi-Wan, you can come in now!

INT. KI-ADI-MUNDI'S BEDROOM

Mundi, the conehead Jedi Master, stands stroking his beard a bit. Three bags of death sticks lie on Mundi's bed. Mundi and Obi-Wan stand at the foot of the bed, looking them over.

MUNDI: Now this is Praas, from Dagobah. Very good stuff. This is Bava, different, but equally good. And this is Choco from the Traj Mountains of Corellia. Now the first two are the same, fifty an ounce -- those are friend prices-- but this one... (pointing to the Choco)...this one's a little more expensive. It's sixty-five. But when you do it, you'll know where those extra credits went. Nothing wrong with the first two. It's real, real, real, good sh*t. But this one's a f**kin' madman.
KENOBI: Remember, I just got back from Tattooine.
MUNDI: Am I a gungan? Are you in Mos Eisley? No. You're in my house. Jedi who know the difference between good sh*t and bad sh*t, this is the house they come to. My sh*t, I'll take the challenge with Tattooine sh*t any ol' day of the f**kin' week.
KENOBI: That's a bold statement.
MUNDI: This ain't Tattooine, Obi-Wan. This is a seller's market. Morpho is f**kin' dead as disco. Death Sticks are comin' back in a big f**kin' way and you know it.

Obi-Wan takes out a roll of credits that would choke a Tauntaun.

KENOBI: Give me four hundred worth of the madman. If it's as good as you say, I'll be back for a thousand.
MUNDI: I just hope I still have it. Whaddya think of Sabe’? She ain't got a boyfriend, wanna hang out an' get blitzed?
KENOBI: Which one's Sabe’? The one with all the sh*t in her face?
MUNDI: No, that's Adi Gallia. That's my wife.

Obi-Wan and Mundi chuckle at the "faux pas."

KENOBI: I'm on my way somewhere. I got a dinner engagement. Rain check?
MUNDI: No problem?

Obi-Wan takes out his case of the works (utensils for taking in Death Sticks).

KENOBI: You don't mind if I crack it here?
MUNDI: Me casa, su casa.
KENOBI: Muchas gracias.

Obi-Wan takes his works out of his case and, as the two continue to talk, Obi-Wan preps his stuff.

MUNDI: Still got your Landspeeder?
KENOBI: You know what some f**ker did to it today?
MUNDI: What?
KENOBI: F**king keyed it.
MUNDI: Oh man, that's f**ked up.
KENOBI: Tell me about it. I had the goddamn thing in storage three years. It's out five f**kinf days-- five days, and some d**kless piece of sh*t f**ks with it.
MUNDI: They should be f**kin' killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.
KENOBI: I just wish I caught 'em doin' it, ya know? Oh man, I'd give anything to catch 'em doin' it. It'a been worth his doin' it, if I coulda just caught 'em, you know what I mean?
MUNDI: It's chicken sh*t. You don't f**k another man's vehicle.

We see Obi-Wan take in the Death Stick, then cut to him doing it again in his landspeeder en route.

EXT. ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Obi-Wan walks up to the driveway leading to Anakin Skywalker’s front door. When he gets to the door, he hears music on the other side, and a note in plain view taped to it. He rips it off.

It reads: "Hi Obi-Wan,
I'm getting dressed. The door's
open. Come inside and make
yourself a drink.
--Padmé"

Obi-Wan neatly folds the note up, sticks it in his pocket, takes a here-goes-nothing breath and turns the knob.

INT. ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

As Obi-Wan steps inside, the music that was behind the door swells drastically. Obi-Wan, hands in pockets, strolls inside, checking out the place, the very familiar Senatorial suite.

KENOBI (yelling): Hello! I'm here!

Cut to Padmé’s lips near a microphone.

PADM : Obi-Wan Kenobi?
KENOBI (looking about, finding com panel on a wall): Yes ma’am.
PADM : I'm still getting dressed. To your left, past the kitchen, is a bar. (we see Kenobi spinning around and whatnot, so Padmé directs him) Over there, no left a bit, there ya go. Why don't you make yourself a
drink, have a seat in the living room, and I'll be out within two shakes of a Salacious Crumb's tail.
KENOBI: Take your time.

Obi-Wan walks to the bar and pours himself a drink. We juxtapose as the music plays.

Padmé’s dress selection is taken out of the closet.

Obi-Wan, drink in hand, moves into the living room.

Padmé, her back to the camera, dressed by now, checks herself in the mirror. Her face is still obscured.

Back to Kenobi, looking up at the portrait of Padmé sensually reclining on a couch.

Padmé cutting a huge line of coke on her vanity table with a credit card.

Obi-Wan sits on a plush, comfy couch.

Padmé snorting the line from a rolled up credit.

Obi-Wan on the couch, drink in hand. The song abruptly cuts off.

About then Padmé walks out of the dressing room, through the dining room, through the kitchen and into the living room. She has a camcorder and is videotaping Obi-Wan on the couch. He looks up and sees her.

Padmé: Smile, you're on Padmé’s camera!

KENOBI: Ready to go?
PADM : Not yet. I'm going to interview you first. Are you any relation to Ben Kenobi?
KENOBI: Yeah, he's my cousin.
PADM : Ben Kenobi the folk singer is your cousin?
KENOBI: Ben Kenobi's my cousin. If he's become a folk singer, I sure as hell don't know nothin' about it. But then I haven't been to too many Thanksgivings lately.
PADM : Now I'm gonna ask you a bunch of quick questions I've come up with that more of less tell me what kind of person I'm having dinner with. My theory is that when it comes to important subjects, there's only two ways a person can answer. For instance, there's two kinds of people in this universe, Valorum people and Palpatine people. Now Palpatine people can like Valorum. And Valorum people can like Palpatine. But nobody likes them both equally. Somewhere you have to make a choice. And that choice tells me who you are.
KENOBI: I can dig it.
PADM : I knew you could. First question, pod racing or speeder racing?
KENOBI: Podracing all the way, no comparison.
PADM : On droids, C-3PO or R2D2?
KENOBI: R2D2, of course. He doesn’t complain.
PADM : Are you a Jabba man or a Zorba man?
KENOBI: Jabba’s the sh*t, and so’s his burger joint…Zorba ain’t got nothin’ on him.
PADM : If you were forced to, which would you eat first, Wookie or Wampa?
KENOBI: Wookie. I never understood the Wampa attraction...they're f**king filthy.
PADM : Have you ever fantasized about being beaten up by a girl?
KENOBI: Sure.
PADM : Who?
KENOBI: Jamillia, your replacement on Naboo. And Nyrat Agira
PADM : Who's Nyrat Agira?
KENOBI: A girl from Jedi academy, you don’t know her.

Padmé lowers the camcorder from in front of her face. She breaks out in a blinding smile.

PADM : Cut. Print. Let's go eat.

EXT. OUTLANDER CLUB - NIGHT

Obi-Wan's Malibu air speeder pulls up to the restaurant. A big sign with a neon figure of a cartoon surly cool Wookie in a red windbreaker towers over the establishment. Underneath the cartoon is the name: OUTLANDER CLUB. Underneath that is the slogan: "Next best thing to a time machine."

INT. OUTLANDER CLUB - NIGHT

Compared to the interior, the exterior was pretty tame. Inside are décor from older days of the Republic, complete with retro motifs of speeders and starships from days past. In the middle of the restaurant in a dance floor. A big sign on the wall states, "No shoes allowed." So interested parties do the twist in their socks or barefeet.

The picture windows don't look out the street, but instead, olden street scenes play out behind them.

The Maitre’D stops Padmé and Kenobi.

Padmé: Reservation for Skywalker?
Maitre’D (looking at list): Hm, Skywalker…
Padmé: We reserved a speeder?
Maitre’D: Ah yes, this way. (He guides them to their seats) Your server will be here momentarily.

WAITRESSES and WAITERS are made up as replicas of Jedi from years ago.

Obi-Wan and Padmé study the menu in a booth made out of a red air speeder from about forty years ago. Plo Koon (their waiter), comes over, sporting a big button on his chest that says: "Hi I'm Buddy, pleasing you please me."

PLO KOON: Hi I'm Plo, what can I get'cha?
KENOBI: I'll have the Yaddl steak.
PLO KOON: How d'ya want it, burnt to a crisp, or bloody as hell?
KENOBI: Bloody as hell. And to drink, a vanilla coke.
PLO KOON: How 'bout you, Peggy Sue?
PADM : I'll have the Dexter Jettser burger-- bloody -- and a five-credit shake.
PLO KOON: How d'ya want that shake, Martin and Lewis, or Amos and Andy?
PADM : Martin and Lewis.
KENOBI: Did you just order a five-credit shake?
PADM : Sure did.
KENOBI: A shake? Milk and ice cream?
PADM : Uh-huh.
KENOBI: It costs five credits?
PLO KOON: Yep.
KENOBI: You don't put bourbon in it or anything?
PLO KOON: Nope.
KENOBI: Just checking.

Plo Koon exits.

Obi-Wan takes a look around the place. The wannabes are dancing, the diners, some Jedi among them, are biting into big, juicy hamburgers, and the icons are playing their parts.

PADM : Whaddya think?
KENOBI: It's like a wax museum with a pulse rate.

Obi-Wan takes out his pouch of tobacco and begins rolling himself a smoke.

After a second of watching him --

PADM : What are you doing?
KENOBI: Rollin' a smoke.
PADM : Here?
KENOBI: It's just tobacco.
PADM : Oh. Well in that case, will you roll me one, cowboy?

As he finishes licking it --

KENOBI: You can have his one, cowgirl.

He hands her the rolled smoke. She takes it, putting it to her lips. Out of nowhere appears a Zippo lighter in Obi-Wan's hand. He lights it.

PADM : Thanks.
KENOBI: Think nothing of it.

He begins rolling one for himself.

PADM : Anakin said you just got back from Tattooine.
KENOBI: Sure did. I heard you were a queen.
PADM : That was my fifteen minutes.
KENOBI: How was it?
PADM : It sucked monkey balls.
KENOBI (baffled): What?
PADM : Yep, nothing but politicians and planetary crises day in and f**king day out...after the first year I just wanted to get out my trusty blaster and start raking it across people’s heads until my stress went away. I swear they were all f**king retarded.
KENOBI: What makes you say that?
PADM : They were parading me around like I didn’t know what I was doing, hell if I’d been reelected they woulda worked in a gimmick where every appearance I woulda told an old joke.
KENOBI: Do you remember any of the jokes?
PADM : Well I only got the chance to say one, 'cause my term ran out.
KENOBI: Tell me.
PADM : No. It's really corny.
KENOBI: C'mon, don't be that way.
PADM : No. You won't like it and I'll be embarrassed.
KENOBI: You told it in front of fifty million people and you can't tell it to me? I promise I won't laugh.
PADM (laughing): That's what I'm afraid of.
KENOBI: That's not what I meant and you know it.
PADM : You're quite the silver tongue devil, aren't you?
KENOBI: I meant I wouldn't laugh at you.
PADM : That's not what you said Obi-Wan. Well now I'm definitely not gonna tell ya, 'cause it's been built up too much.
KENOBI: What a gyp.

Plo Koon comes back with the drinks. Padmé wraps her lips around the straw of her shake.

PADM : Yummy!
KENOBI: Can I have a sip of that? I'd like to know what a five-credit shake tastes like.
PADM : Be my guest.

She slides the shake over to him.

PADM : You can use my straw, I don't have kooties.

Obi-Wan smiles.

KENOBI: Yeah, but maybe I do.
PADM : Kooties I can handle.

He takes a sip.

KENOBI: Goddamn! That's a pretty f**kin' good milk shake.
PADM : Told ya.
KENOBI: I don't know if it's worth five credits, but it's pretty f**kin' good.

He slides the shake back. Then the first of an uncomfortable silence happens.

PADM : Don't you hate that?
KENOBI: What?
PADM : Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bulls**t in order to be comfortable?
KENOBI: I don't know.
PADM : That's when you know you found somebody special. When you can just shut the f**k up for a minute, and comfortably share silence.
KENOBI: I don't think we're there yet. But don't feel bad, we just met each other.
PADM : Well I'll tell you what, I'll go to the bathroom and powder my nose, while you sit here and think of something to say.
KENOBI: I'll do that. (He can’t help but steal a glance at the fine-ass Mrs. Skywalker as she walks away. He takes a puff on his smoke, leans back, and chuckles lightly to himself.)

INT. OUTLANDER CLUB (LADIES ROOM) - NIGHT.

Padmé powders her nose by doing a big line of coke off the bathroom sink. Her head jerks up from the rush.

PADM (imitating Steppenwolf): I said goddamn!

INT. OUTLANDER CLUB (DINING AREA) - NIGHT

Obi-Wan digs into his Yaddl steak. As he chews, his eyes scan the Hellsapopinish restaurant.

Padmé comes back to the table.

PADM : Don't you love it when you go to the bathroom and you come back to find your food waiting for you?
KENOBI: We're lucky we got it at all. Plo Koon doesn't seem to be much of a waiter. We shoulda sat in Zam Wesell’s section.
PADM : Which one, there's two Zam Wesells.
KENOBI: No there's not.

Pointing at Zam Wesell camoing in and out of human form serving a table.

KENOBI: That's Zam Wesell...

Then pointing at a similarly shaped figure, whose head can’t be clearly seen.

KENOBI:...and that's Bib Fortuna. Just the lights are bad over there.
PADM : Pretty smart.
KENOBI: I have moments.
PADM : Did ya think of something to say?
KENOBI: Actually, there's something I've wanted to ask you about, but you seem like a nice person, and I didn't want to offend you.
PADM : Oooohhhh, this doesn't sound like mindless, boring, getting-to-know-you chit-chat. This sounds like you actually have something to say.
KENOBI: Only if you promise not to get offended.
PADM : You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're gonna ask. You could ask me what you're gonna ask me, and my natural response could be to be offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I woulda broken my promise.
KENOBI: Then let's just forget it.
PADM : That is an impossibility. Trying to forget anything as intriguing as this would be an exercise in futility. It’d also reek of something a gungan would do.
KENOBI: Is that a fact?

Padmé nods her head: "Yes."

PADM : Besides, it's more exciting when you don't have permission.
KENOBI: What do you think about what happened to Boss Nass?
PADM : Who's Boss Nass?
KENOBI: That huge-ass gungan.
PADM : He fell out of a window.
KENOBI: That's one way to say it. Another way is, he was thrown out. Another way is, he was thrown out by Anakin. And even another way is, he was thrown out of a window by Anakin because of you.
PADM : Is that a fact?
KENOBI: No it's not, it's just what I heard.
PADM : Who told you this?
KENOBI: They.

Padmé and Obi-Wan smile. In the background, someone clearly insane can be heard: THEY? THEY?! WHO ARE THEY?!?!?!?!

PADM : They talk a lot, don't they?
KENOBI: They certainly do.
PADM : Well don't by shy Obi-Wan, what exactly did they say?

Obi-Wan is slow to answer.

PADM : Let me help you Bashful, did it involve the F-word?
KENOBI: No. They just said Boss Nass gave you a foot massage.
PADM : And...?
KENOBI: With his tongue.
PADM : You heard Anakin threw Nass out of a four-story window because he massaged my feet?
KENOBI: Yeah.
PADM : And you believed that?
KENOBI: At the time I was told, it seemed reasonable.
PADM : Anakin throwing Nass out of a four-story window for giving me a foot massage seemed reasonable?
KENOBI: No, it seemed excessive. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I heard Anakin is very protective of you.
PADM : A husband being protective of his wife is one thing. A husband almost killing another man for touching his wife's feet is something else.
KENOBI: But did it happen?
PADM : The only thing Nass ever touched of mine was my hand, when he shook it at my wedding. The truth is, nobody knows why Anakin tossed Nass out of that window except Anakin and Nass, and Nass sure as hell ain’t talking. But when you scamps get together, you're worse than a sewing circle.
KENOBI: Are you mad?
PADM : Not at all. Being the subject of back-fence gossip goes with the right, I guess.

She takes a sip of her five-credit shake, and says:

PADM : Thanks.
KENOBI: What for?
PADM : Asking my side.

At that moment, the Maitre’D, who is still nameless, puts his finger to a mic on the dance floor. Zam Wesell is standing next to him, holding a gold plated trophy with figures on the top of it that look like they were sculpted from Luke and Leia molds.

MD: And now the time has come for the universally famous Outlander Club twist contest. To the winners go this lovely trophy that Zam here is holding. (some catcalls) Do we have any volunteers?
PADM (raises hand): Over here!

Obi-Wan gives her a stunned look.

PADM : I wanna dance.
KENOBI: I'm not much of a dancer.
PADM : Now I'm the one gettin' gyped. I do believe Anakin Skywalker, my husband, your boss, told you to take me out and do whatever I wanted. Well, now I want that trophy, so I want to dance.
KENOBI: All right then.

They head up to the stage, getting a round of applause from everyone including Zam and the Maitre’D.

MD: All right, what’re your names, cats?
PADM : Mrs. Padmé Amidala Skywalker.
MD: And your friend here?
PADM (manly voice): Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Obi-Wan begins taking off his boots. Padmé triumphantly casts hers off. Then they both break into a devilish twist. Padmés version of the twist is that of a sexy cat. Obi-Wan is pure Mr. Cool as he gets into a hip-swivelling rhythm that would make Mr. Checker proud.

INT. ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S HOME - NIGHT

The front door flings open, and Padmé and Obi-Wan dance tango-style into the house, singing a cappella the song from the previous scene. They finish their little dance, laughing.
Then...The two just stand face to face looking at each other.

KENOBI: Was that an uncomfortable silence?
PADM : I don't know what that was. (pause) Music and drinks!

Padmé moves away to attend to both. Obi-Wan hangs up his over-robe on a big bronze coat rack in the alcove.

KENOBI: I'm gonna take a piss.
PADM : That was a little bit more information than I needed to know, but go right ahead.

Obi-Wan shuffles off to the john. Padmé moves to her CD player, thumbs through a stack of CDs and selects one. The speakers blast “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon,” which is odd cuz this is supposedly a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... She dances her way around the room and finds herself by Obi-Wan's overcoat hanging on the rack. She pulls it on and keeps dancing.

Her hand hoes in its pocket and pulls out his tobacco pouch. Like a little girl playing cowboy, she spreads the tobacco on some rolling paper. Imitating what he did earlier, licks the paper and rolls it into a pretty good cigarette. Maybe a little too fat, but not bad for a first try. Padmé thinks so anyway. Her hand reaches back in the pocket and pulls out his Zippo lighter. She slaps the lighter against her leg, trying to light it fancy-style like Obi-Wan did, and succeeds. She triumphantly brings the fat flame up to her fat smoke, lighting it up, then snaps the Zippo closed.

The Padmé-made cigarette is brought up to her lips, and she takes a long, cool drag. Her hand slides the Zippo back in the overcoat pocket. But her fingers touch something else. Those fingers bring out a plastic bag, inside, the madman that Obi-Wan bought earlier from Mundi. Wearing a big smile, Padmé brings the bag of death sticks up to her face.

PADM (like you would say Bingo!): Disco! Obi-Wan, you Jedi mind reader you, you've been holding out on me.

INT. BATHROOM (ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S HOUSE) - NIGHT

Obi-Wan stands at the sink, washing his hands, talking to himself in the mirror.

KENOBI: One drink and leave. Don't be rude, but drink your drink quickly, say goodbye, walk out the door, get in your car, and go down the road.

LIVING ROOM

Padmé has the unbeknownst-to-her death sticks cut up into big lines on her glass top coffee table. Taking her trusty hundred dollar bill like a human Dust-Buster, she quickly snorts the fat line. Her head JERKS back. Her hands go to her nose (which feels like it's on f**king fire), something is terribly wrong. Then...the rush hits...

BATHROOM

Obi-Wan dries his hands on a towel while he continues his dialogue with the mirror.

KENOBI: ...it's a moral test of yourself, whether or not you can maintain loyalty. Because when people are loyal to each other, that's very meaningful.

LIVING ROOM

Padmé is on all fours trying to crawl to the bathroom, but it's like she's trying to crawl with the bones removed from her knees. Blood begins to drip from Padmés nose. Then her stomach gets into the act and she pukes.

BATHROOM

Obi-Wan continues.

KENOBI: So you're gonna go out there, drink your drink, say "Goodnight, I've had a very lovely evening," go home, and polish the ol’ lightsaber. And that's all you're gonna do.

Now that he's given himself a little pep talk, Obi-Wan's ready for whatever's waiting for him on the other side of that door. So he goes through it.

LIVING ROOM

We follow behind Obi-Wan as he walks from the bathroom to the living room. He’s looking down at first, not realy paying attention.

KENOBI: Well Padmé, I...

At this point he finds Padmé lying on the floor like a rag doll. She's twisted on her back. Blood and puke are down her front. And her face is contorted. Not out of the tightness of pain, but just the opposite, the muscles in her face are so relaxed, she lies still with her mouth wide open. Slack-jawed.

KENOBI: Jesus Christ!

Obi-Wan moves like greased lightning to Padmé's fallen body. Bending down where she lays, he puts his fingers on her neck to check her pulse. She slightly stirs. Padmé is aware of Obi-Wan over her, speaking to her.

KENOBI (sounding weird): Padmé! Padmé! What the hell happened?

But she's unable to communicate. Padmé makes a few lost mumbles, but they're not distinctive enough to be called words. Obi-Wan props her eyelids open and sees the story.

KENOBI(to himself): I'll be a sonofabitch. (to Padmé) Padmé! Padmé! What did you take? Answer me honey, what did you take?

Padmé is incapable of answering. He slaps her face hard. Obi-Wan springs up and runs to his overcoat, hanging on the rack. He goes through the pockets frantically. It's gone.

INT. KENOBI'S AIR SPEEDER (MOVING) - NIGHT

Obi-Wan, one hand firmly on the wheel, the other shifting like Robocop, both eyes staring straight ahead except when he glances over at Padmé. Padmé, slack-jawed expression, mouth gaping, posture of a bag of water. Obi-Wan takes a comlink out of his pocket. He punches a number.

INT. KI-ADI-MUNDI'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mundi sits in the bed, ratty blue gym pants, a worn-out but comfortable tee-shirt that has, written on it, "JEDI 0WN J00," and a moth-ridden terry cloth robe. In his hand is a bowl of Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries. In front of him on the coffee table is a jug of milk, the box the Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries came out of, and a hash pipe in an ashtray. He’s watching television.

The communicator rings. Mundi pays no attention. It rings several more times, and he ignores it until it’s gone about nine times. Mundi then finally puts down his cereal and makes his way to the communicator. It rings again.

Adi Gallia calls from elsewhere, obviously annoyed, but not annoyed enough to answer it. We flash back quickly to Obi-Wan’s speeder to see him talking to the comlink.

KENOBI: Answer! F**k you Mundi, answer!

We then jump back to the house.

GALLIA: Ki-Adi! The comlink's ringing!
MUNDI(calling back): I can hear it!
GALLIA: I thought you told those f**kin' assholes never to call this late!
MUNDI(by the comlink): I told 'em and that's what I'm gonna tell this f**kin' asshole right now! (he answers the comlink) Hello?.

BACK TO KENOBI IN THE MALIBU

Obi-Wan is still driving like a stripe-assed ape, clutching the phone to his ear. We cut back and forth during the conversation.

KENOBI: Ki-Adi, this is Obi-Wan, I'm in big f**kin' trouble man, I'm on my way to your place.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: Whoa, hold you horses man, what's the problem?
KENOBI: You still got an adrenalin shot?
KI-ADI-MUNDI (dawning on him): Maybe.
KENOBI: I need it man, I got a chick she's f**kin' O.D.ing on me.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: Well don't bring her here! I'm not even f**kin' joking with you, don't you be bringing some f**ked up pooh-butt to my house!
KENOBI: No choice.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: She's O.D.in'?
KENOBI: Yeah. She's dyin' on me man!
KI-ADI-MUNDI: Then bite the f**kin' bullet, take 'er to a hospital and call the Trade Federation!
KENOBI: Negative.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: She ain't my f**kin' problem, you f**ked her up, you deal with it --are you talkin' to me on a portable comlink? I don't know you, who is this, don't f**kin' come here, I'm hangin' up! Prank caller, prank caller!

At that moment inside Mundi's house, he can hear Obi-Wan's Malibu coming up the street. Mundi hangs up the phone, goes to his door and opens it in time to see Obi-Wan's Malibu driving up on his front lawn and crashing into his house. Mundi charges from the door, out the door to his front lawn.

EXT. KI-ADI-MUNDI'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Obi-Wan is already out of the car, working on getting Padmé out.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: Have you lost your f**king mind?! You crashed your speeder in my f**kin' house! You talk about drug sh*t—(they pick her up)
KENOBI: If you're through havin' your little hissy fit, this chick is dyin', get your needle and git it now! Don’t make me force-slap you!
KI-ADI-MUNDI (lets go): Are you deaf? You're not bringin' that f**ked up bitch in my house!
KENOBI (drops Padmé): This f**ked up bitch is Anakin Skywalker’s wife. Now if she f**kin' croaks on me, I'm a grease spot. But before he turns me into a bar soap, I'm gonna be forced to tell 'im about how you coulda saved her life, but instead you let her die on your front lawn. Now help me out!

They pick her back up and pull her inside.

INT. KI-ADI-MUNDI'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Adi Gallia scampers into the living room finally to as Mundi and Kenobi are pulling Padmé in.

GALLIA: It's only one-thirty in the goddamn mornin'! What the f**k's goin' on out here?

As she walks in the living room, she sees Obi-Wan and Mundi standing over Padmé, who's lying on the floor in the middle of the room.

GALLIA: Who's she?

Mundi looks up at her and pays the comment no mind.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: Get that black box in the bedroom I have with the adrenalin shot.
GALLIA: What's wrong with her?
KENOBI: She's O.D.ing on us.
GALLIA: Well get her the hell outta here!
KI-ADI-MUNDI AND KENOBI (in stereo): Get the f**kin' shot!
GALLIA: Don't yell at me!

She angrily turns and disappears into the bedroom looking for the shot.

KENOBI (to Mundi): You two are a match made in heaven.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: Shut the f**k up. Look, just keep talkin' to her, okay? While she's gettin' the shot, I gotta get a medical book.
KENOBI: What do you need a medical book for?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: To tell me how to do it. I've never given an adrenalin shot before.
KENOBI: You've had that thing for six years and you never used it?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: I never had to use it. I don't do death-stick poppin’, wife-banging, Tattooine slavery **** , and all of my friends can handle their highs!
KENOBI: Well then get it.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: I am, if you'll let me.
KENOBI: I'm not f**kin' stoppin' you.
KI-ADI-MUNDI (frustrated): Stop talkin' to me, and start talkin' to her.

SPARE ROOM

Mundi frantically starts scanning the junk for the book he's looking for, repeating the words, "Come on," endlessly.

KENOBI (in the other room): Hurry up man! We're losin' her!
KI-ADI-MUNDI (calling back): I'm looking as fast as I can!

Mundi continues his frenzied search.

GALLIA (to Kenobi): What's he lookin' for?
KENOBI: I dunno, some medical book.

Adi Gallia calls to Mundi.

GALLIA: What are you lookin' for?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: My black medical book!

As he continues searching, flipping and knocking over sh*t, Adi Gallia appears in the doorway.

GALLIA: What are you looking for?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: My black f**kin' medical book. It's like a text book they give to nurses.
GALLIA: I never saw a medical book.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: Trust me, I have one.
GALLIA: Why not just use the Force?

Mundi spins toward her.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: I don't know! Stop bothering me!
GALLIA: You and I both know the Force is a better go than this...at least you know where you put it!
KENOBI (from the other room): -- get your ass in here, f**k the book!

Mundi angrily knocks over a pile of sh*t and heads for the living room.

LIVING ROOM.

Obi-Wan is bent over Padmé, talking softly to her, when Mundi reenters the room.

KENOBI: Quit f**kin' around man and give her the shot!

Mundi bends down by the black case brought in by Adi Gallia. He opens it and begins preparing the needle for injection.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: While I'm doing this, take her shirt off and find her heart.

Obi-Wan rips her blouse open.

KENOBI: Does it have to be exact?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: Yeah, it has to be exact! I'm giving her an injection in the heart, so I gotta exactly hit her in the heart.
KENOBI: Well, I don't know exactly where her heart is, I think it's here.

Obi-Wan points to Padmés right breast. Mundi glances over and nods.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: That's it.

As Mundi readies the injection, Obi-Wan looks up at Adi Gallia.

KENOBI: I need a big fat magic marker, got one?
GALLIA: What?
KENOBI: A marker, a felt pen, something!

Adi Gallia runs to the desk, opens the top drawer and, in her enthusiasm, she pulls the drawer out of the desk, the contents of which (bills, papers, pens) spill to the floor.

The injection is ready. Mundi hands Obi-Wan the needle.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: It's ready, I'll tell you what to do.
KENOBI: Wait, you're gonna give her the shot.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: No, you're gonna give her the shot.
KENOBI: I've never does this before.
KI-ADI-MUNDI: I've never does this before either, and I ain't starting now. You brought 'er here, that means you give her the shot. The day I bring an O.D.ing bitch to your place, then I gotta give her the shot.

Adi Gallia hurriedly joins them in the huddle, a big fat red magic marker in her hand.

GALLIA: Got it.

Obi-Wan grabs the marker and makes a big red dot in Padmés body where her heart is.

KENOBI: Okay, what do I do?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: Well, you're giving her an injection of adrenalin straight to her heart. But she's got breast plates in front of her heart, so you gotta pierce through that. So what you gotta do is bring the needle down in a stabbing motion (he gestures appropriately).
KENOBI: I gotta stab her?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: If you want the needle to pierce through to her heart, you gotta stab her hard. Then once you do, push down on the plunger.
KENOBI: What happens after that?
KI-ADI-MUNDI: I'm curious about that myself.
KENOBI: This ain't a f**kin' joke man!
KI-ADI-MUNDI: She's supposed to come out of it, all right! F**k me Freddy, like I’ve done this or something...

Obi-Wan lifts the needle up above his head in a stabbing motion. He looks down on Padmé. Padmé is fading fast. Obi-Wan's eyes narrow, ready to do this.

KENOBI: Count to three.

Mundi, on this knees right beside Obi-Wan, does not know what to expect.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: One......two......three!

Obi-Wan brings the needle down hard, stabbing Padmé in the chest.

Padmés head if jolted from the impact. The syringe plunger is pushed down, pumping the adrenalin out through the needle. Padmés eyes pop open and she lets out a cry of the banshee. She bolts into a sitting position, needle stuck in her chest – screaming, causing the others to jump back in a moment of fear.

Padmés scream runs out. She slowly starts taking breaths of air.

The other three, now scooted halfway across the room, shaken to their bones, look to see if she's alright.

KI-ADI-MUNDI: If you're okay, say something.

Padmé, still breathing, not looking up at them, says in a relatively normal voice...

PADM : Something.

GALLIA (mutters a chuckle): Anybody want a beer?

INT. KENOBI'S MALIBU (MOVING) - NIGHT

Obi-Wan is behind the wheel driving Padmé home. No one says anything, both are still too shaken.

EXT. FRONT OF ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The Malibu pulls up to the front. Padmé gets out without saying a word (still in a daze) and begins walking down the walkway toward her front door.

KENOBI: Padmé!

She turns around. Obi-Wan's out of the car, standing on the walkway, a big distance between the two.

KENOBI: What are your thoughts on how to handle this?
PADM : What's yours?
KENOBI: Well I'm of the opinion that Anakin can live his whole live and never ever hear of this incident.

Padmé smiles.

PADM : Don't worry about it. If Anakin ever heard of this, I'd be in as much trouble as you.
KENOBI: I seriously doubt that.
PADM : If you can keep a secret, so can I.
KENOBI: Let's shake on it.

The two walk toward each other, holding out their hands to shake and shake they do.

KENOBI: Mum's the word.

Padmé lets go of Obi-Wan's hand and silently makes the see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, and speak-no-evil sign with her hands. Obi-Wan smiles.

KENOBI: If you'll excuse me, I gotta go home and have a heart attack.

Padmé giggles, Obi-Wan turns to leave.

PADM : You still wanna hear my campaign joke?

Obi-Wan turns around.

KENOBI: Sure, but I think I'm still a little too petrified to laugh.
PADM : Uh-huh. You won't laugh because it's not funny. But if you still wanna hear it, I'll tell it.
KENOBI: I can't wait.
PADM : Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him -- (she stamps on the ground)-- and says: catch up.

They both smile, but neither laugh.

PADM : See ya 'round, Obi-Wan. May the force be with you.

Padmé turns and walks inside her house.

KENOBI: May the force be with you, too.

After Padmé walks inside, Obi-Wan continues to look at where she was. He brings his hands to his lips and blows her a kiss, then walks back to his speeder.

FADE TO BLACK

r0x0r!

Very nice work.

"Whose speedbike is this?"

"It's a swoop, baby."

"Whose swoop is this?"

"Zam."

"Who's Zam?"

"Zam's damned, baby. Zam's damned."

FADE UP ON A POORLY ANIMATED CARTOON

WOMAN'S VOICE: Jango.

FETT'S POV; HE IS 5 YRS OLD AT THIS TIME.

We're in the living room of a modest two bedroom house in Coruscant. FETT'S MOTHER, 35ish, stands in the doorway leading into the living room. Next to her is a man dressed in the uniform of a Mandolorian warrior.

MOTHER: Jango, stop watching TV a second. We got a special visitor. Now do you remember when I told you your daddy died in a P.O.W. camp?
FETT: Uh-huh.
MOTHER: Well this here is Capt. Olie. He was in the P.O.W. camp with Daddy.

Ric Olie steps inside the room toward the little boy and bends down on one knee to bring him even with the boy's eyeline.

OLIE: Hello, little man. Boy I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your Daddy's. We were in that pit of hell over five years together. Hopefully, you'll never have to experience this yourself, but when two men are in a situation like me and your Daddy were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, Major Fett would be talkin' right now to my son Jim. But the way it worked out is I'm talkin' to you, Jango. I got somethin' for ya.

Olie pulls a gold wrist watch out of his pocket.

OLIE: This watch I got here was first purchased by your great-granddaddy. It was bought during the First Republic War in a little general store out on Tattooine. It was bought by private Doughboy Ernie Fett the day he set off for Ord-Mantell. It was your great-granddaddy's war watch. Your great-granddaddy wore that watch every day he was in the war. Then when he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took the watch off his wrist and put it in an ol' can. And in that can it stayed 'til your grandfather Dane Fett was called upon by his country to go across the galaxy and fight the Ord-Mantellians once again. This time they called it Planetary War Two. Your great-granddaddy gave it to your granddad for good luck.
Unfortunately, Dane's luck wasn't as good as his old man's. Your granddad was a Marine and he was killed with all the other Marines at the battle of Billa Island. Your granddad was facing death and he knew it. None of those boys had any illusions about ever leavin' that island alive. So three days before the Twi'lek took the island, your 22-year old grandfather asked a gunner on a transport named Winock, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he had never seen in the flesh, his gold watch. Three days later, your grandfather was dead. But Winock kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad's gold watch. This watch. This watch was on your Daddy's wrist when he was shot down over Geonosis. He was captured and put in a Geonosian prison camp. Now he knew if they ever saw the watch it'd be confiscated. The way your Daddy looked at it, that watch was your birthright. And he'd be damned if them bastards were gonna put their greasy hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide somethin'. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of disentary, he gave me the watch. I hid with uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.

Ric Olie hands the watch to Jango. A little hand comes up and snatches it away.

INT. LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT

Jango Fett is dressed in podracing regalia. He lies on a table catching a few zzzzzz's before his big race. He wakes up with a start. Shaken by the bizarre memory, he wipes his sweaty face with sleeve.

His trainer KLONDIKE, an older fireplug, opens the door a little, sticking his head in the room. Pandemonium seems to be breaking out behind Klondike in the hallway.

KLONDIKE: It's time, Jango.
FETT: I'm ready.

Klondike steps inside, closing the door. He goes to the helmet hanging on a hook. Jango hops off the table and, without a word, Klondike helps him on with the helmet which will become so infamous. The two men head for the door. Klondike opens the door for Jango. As Jango steps into the hallway, the Crowd goes apesh*t. Klondike closes the door behind him, leaving us in the quiet, empty locker room.

THE DEATH STAR PLANS

SPORTSCASTER #1: -- well Dan, that had to be the bloodiest and, hands-down, the most brutal podrace this city has ever seen.

EXT. ALLEY (RAINING) - NIGHT

A taxi is parked in a dark alley next to an outdoor arena. It’s raining like piss, and inside this transport we can hear the radio.

SPORTSCASTER #1: ...Fett was out of there faster than I've ever seen a victorious racer vacate the arena. Do you think he knew Quadranerous was dead?
SPORTSCASTER #2: My guess would be yes, Richard. I could see from my position here, the frenzy in his eyes give way to the realization of what he was doing. I think any man would've left the arena that fast.

INT. TAXI (PARKED/RAINING) - NIGHT

Inside the taxi, behind the wheel, is a male cabbie named Qui-Gon Jinn. An older former Jedi, sits parked, drinking a steaming hot cup of coffee out of a white styrofoam cup.

The Sportscasters continue their coverage.

SPORTSCASTER #1: Do you feel this tragedy will have an effect on the world of podracing?
SPORTSCASTER #2: Oh Dan, a tragedy like this can't help but shake the world of podracing to its very foundation. But it's of paramount importance that during the sad weeks ahead, the eyes of the C.P.A.(Coruscant Podracing Alliance) remain firmly fixed on the -- CLICK --

Qui-Gon shuts off the radio. He takes a sip of coffee, then hears a NOISE behind him in the alley. He sticks his head out of the car door to see:

A window about three stories high opens on the arena-side of the alley. A bag is tossed out into a garbage dumpster below the window. Then, Jango Fett, still dressed in podracing gear, leaps to the dumpster below. Bag in hand, Jango climbs out of the dumpster and runs to the taxi. Before he climbs in, he takes off his helmet and throws it to the ground.

INT. TAXI (PARKED/RAINING) – NIGHT

Jango throws off his racing jacket and dives into the cab, slamming the door behind him as Qui-Gon flips the meter on and starts the car.

QUI-GON: Where to?
FETT: Outta here.

Qui-Gon's bare foot stomps on the gas pedal.

EXT. POD RACING ARENA (RAINING) - NIGHT

The cab whips out of the alley, fish-tailing on the wet pavement in front of the arena at a rapid pace.

INT. QUADRANEROUS LOCKER ROOM (AUDITORIUM) - NIGHT

Locker room door opens, Watto fights his way through the pandemonium which is going on outside in the hall, shutting the door on the madness. Once inside, Watto adjusts his snout.

The figure that is Anakin Skywalker stands with his back to all, looking over what is likely Quadranerous’ dead body. He senses Watto’s entrance.

ANAKIN: What'cha got?
WATTO: He booked.
ANAKIN: I'm prepared to scour the earth for this motherf**ker. If Jango goes to Indo China, I want a Jedi hidin' in a bowl of rice, ready to put a saber in his ass.
WATTO: I'll take care of it.

INT. CAB (MOVING/RAINING) - NIGHT

Jango gets one of his gloves off, Qui-Gon watches in the rearview mirror. He presses a button and the back window moves down. Jango tosses his glove out the window, then starts untying the other one. Qui-Gon can't keep quiet anymore.

QUI-GON: Hey, mister?
FETT: (still working on the glove) What?
QUI-GON: You were in that race? The race on the radio -- you're the racer?

As he tosses his other glove out the window.

FETT (smirking): Whatever gave you that idea?
QUI-GON: No c'mon, you're him, I know you're him, tell me you're him.
FETT: (drying himself with a towel) I'm him.
QUI-GON: You killed that other racer.
FETT: He's dead?
QUI-GON: The radio said he was dead.

He finished wiping himself down.

FETT (to himself): Sorry 'bout that, Bennie.

He tosses the towel out the window. Silence, as Jango digs in his bag for his armor.

QUI-GON: What does it feel like?
FETT(finds his shirt): What does what feel like?
QUI-GON: Killing a man.

Jango pulls on his tee-shirt.

FETT: You some kind of freak?
QUI-GON: No, I just never met anyone who’s killed someone before.
FETT: Tell ya what, you give me one of them cigarettes, I'll give you an answer.

Qui-Gon grins.

QUI-GON: Deal.

Jango leans forward. Qui-Gon, keeping his eyes on the road, passes a cigarette back to him. He takes it. Then, still not looking behind her, he brings up his hand, a lit match in it. Jango lights his smoke, then blows out the match.

He takes a long drag.

FETT: So....

He looks at his license

FETT: ...Qui-Gon Jinn -- is that Corellian?
QUI-GON: Yeah, that’s right.
FETT: It's a very interesting name.
QUI-GON: I get that a lot. And what is your name?
FETT: Jango.
QUI-GON: Jango. What does it mean?
FETT: Where I’m from, our names don't mean **** . Anyway, moving right along, what is it you wanna know, Qui-Gon?
QUI-GON: I want to know what it feels like to kill a man --
FETT: -- I couldn't tell ya. I didn't know he was dead 'til you told me he was dead. Now I know he's dead, do you wanna know how I feel about it?

Qui-Gon nods his head: "yes."

FETT: I don't feel the least little bit bad. You wanna know why, Qui-Gon?

Qui-Gon nods his head: "yes."

FETT: 'Cause I'm a bounty hunter and a racer. And after you've said that, you've said pretty much all there is to say about me. Now maybe that son-of-a-bitch tonight was once at one time a racer. If he was, then he was dead before his ass ever stepped in his pod. I just put the poor bastard outta his misery. And if he never was a boxer --(Jango takes a drag)That's what he gets for f**kin' up my sport.

EXT. PHONE BOOTH (RAINING) - NIGHT

Qui-Gon is waiting patiently in the cab as Fett talks on the comlink.

FETT (into phone): What's I tell ya, soon as the word got out a fix was in, the odds would be outta control. Hey, if he was a better racer he'd still be alive. Enough about the poor unfortunate Mr. Quadranerous, let's talk about the rich and prosperous Mr. Jango. How many bookies you spread it around with? (pause) Eight? How long to collect? (pause)So by tomorrow evening, you'll have it all? (pause) Good news Scotty, real good news --I understand a few stragglers aside. Me an' Aurra're gonna leave in the morning for Kamino. From there it should take us a couple days to get into Yavin. Next time we see each other, it'll be on Yavin time.

Jango hangs up the phone. He looks at the cab waiting to take him wherever he wants to go.

FETT: Aurra my love, our adventure begins.

EXT. MOTEL (STOPPED RAINING) - NIGHT

Qui-Gon's taxi pulled into the motel parking lot. The rain has stopped, but the night is still soaked. Jango gets out, now fully dressed in his armor and helmet. He leans in the driver's side window.

QUI-GON: Forty-five sixty.

Handing him the money.

FETT: Thanks. And here's a little something for the effort.

Jango holds up a hundred credit bill. Qui-Gon's eyes light up. He goes to take it. Jango holds it out of reach.

FETT: Now if anybody should ask you about who your fare was tonight, what're you gonna tell 'em?
QUI-GON: The truth. Three well-dressed, slightly toasted, dugs.

He gives him the bill.

FETT: Bon soir, Qui-Gon.
QUI-GON: Sleep well, Jango.

He turns and walks away. He drives off.

INT. MOTEL (ROOM SIX) - NIGHT

Jango enters and turns on the light.

Lying curled up on the bed, fully dressed, with her back to us is Jango's girlfriend, AURRA SINGH.

AURRA SINGH: Keep the light off.

Jango flicks the switch back, making the room dark again.

FETT: Is that better, sugar pop?
AURRA SINGH: Oui. Hard day at the office?
FETT: Pretty hard. I got into a race.
AURRA SINGH: Poor baby. Can we make spoons?

Jango climbs into bed, spooning Aurra from behind. When Jango and Aurra speak to each other, they speak in baby-talk.

AURRA SINGH: I was looking at myself in the mirror.
FETT: Uh-huh?
AURRA SINGH: I wish I had a clone.
FETT: You were lookin' in the mirror and you wish you had a clone?
AURRA SINGH: Yes, people with clones are sexy.
FETT: Well you should be happy, 'cause now you can.
AURRA SINGH: Oh, I cannot! You telling me that army is for me? There’s a big difference between an army and just a clone.
FETT: Is that so?
AURRA SINGH: The difference is huge.
FETT: You want me to have a clone?
AURRA SINGH: Yes. A clone named Boba, that we can raise ourselves!
FETT: Really now? You think clones can be found cool?
AURRA SINGH: I don't give a damn what people find cool. It's unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same.
FETT: If you had a clone, I’d never let her leave.
AURRA SINGH(rolling up on top of him): You'd confine my clone?
FETT(removing helmet): Yep, neither of you’d be able to be in the real universe.
AURRA SINGH: I'd smother you. I'd drop it on your right on your face 'til you couldn't breathe.
FETT: You'd do that to me?
AURRA SINGH: Yes!
FETT: Did you get everything, sugar pop?
AURRA SINGH: Yes, I did.
FETT: Good job.
AURRA SINGH: Did everything go as planned?
FETT: You didn't listen to the radio?
AURRA SINGH: I never listen to your races. Were you the winner?
FETT: I won alright.
AURRA SINGH: Are you still retiring?
FETT: Sure am.
AURRA SINGH: What about the men you raced?
FETT: Well, Benny retired too.
AURRA SINGH (smiling): Really?! He won't be racing no more?!
FETT: Not no more.
AURRA SINGH: So it all worked out in the finish?
FETT: We ain't at the finish, baby.

Aurra rolls over and Jango gets on top of her. They kiss.

AURRA SINGH: We're in a lot of danger, aren't we?

Jango nods his head: "yes."

AURRA SINGH: If they find us, they'll kill us, won't they?

Jango nods his head: "yes."

AURRA SINGH: But they won't find us, will they?

Jango nods his head: "no."

AURRA SINGH: Do you still want me to go with you?

Jango nods his head: "yes."

AURRA SINGH: I don't want to be a burden or a nuisance – I know I’m not much more than a colleague to you, maybe a f**k-buddy...

Jango's hand goes out of frame and starts massaging her crotch. Aurra reacts.

AURRA SINGH: Say it!
FETT: Aurra, I want you to be with me.
AURRA SINGH: Forever?
FETT: ...and ever.

Aurra lies her head back. Jango continues to massage her crotch.

AURRA SINGH: Do you love me?
FETT: Oui.

Jango kisses her on the mouth, then pulls his armor off and slides down Aurra’s body. Jango's head goes down out of frame to carry out the oral pleasure. Aurra's face is alone in the frame.

MOTEL ROOM

In the bathroom, Jango is showering. Aurra is in a white terry cloth robe that seems to swallow her up. She's drying her head with a towel. Jango is inside the shower washing up. We see the outline of his naked body through the smoky glass of the shower door. Steam fills the bathroom. Jango turns the shower off and opens the door, popping his head out.

FETT: I think I cracked a rib.
AURRA SINGH: Giving me oral pleasure?
FETT: No retard, from the race.
AURRA SINGH: Don't call me retard.
FETT: Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, I take it back! Can I have a towel please, Miss Beautiful Tulip.
AURRA SINGH: Oh I like that, I like being called a tulip.

She finishes drying her hair and wraps the towel like a turban on her head.

FETT: Merci beaucoup.
AURRA SINGH: Jango?
FETT (drying his head): Yes, lemon pie.
AURRA SINGH: Where are we going to go?
FETT: I'm not sure yet. Wherever you want. We're gonna get a lot of money from this. But it ain't gonna be so much, we can live like Sith in the fat house forever. I was thinking we could go somewhere in the Outer Rim. The kinda money we'll have'll carry us a long way down there.
AURRA SINGH: So if we wanted, we could live in Corellia?
FETT: You betcha. And if after awhile you don't dig Corellia, then we can move over to Bespin or Dagobah or something.
AURRA SINGH: But I do not speak Corellian.
FETT: You don't speak droid either. Besides, Corellian is easy: Donde esta el zapataria?
AURRA SINGH: What does that mean?
FETT: Where's the shoe store?
AURRA SINGH: Donde esta el zapataria?
FETT: Excellent pronunciation. You'll be my little mama ceta in no time.

Jango exits the bathroom. We stay on Aurra as she brushes her teeth. Jango keeps on from the other room.

FETT: Que hora es?
AURRA SINGH: Que hora es?
FETT: What time is it?
AURRA SINGH: What time is it?
FETT: Time for bed. Sweet dream, jellybean.

Aurra brushes her teeth. We watch her for a moment or two, then she remember something.

AURRA SINGH: Jango.

She walks out of the bathroom to ask Jango a question, only to find him sound asleep in bed. She looks at him for a moment.

AURRA SINGH: Forget it.

MOTEL ROOM - MORNING

Jango is still asleep in bed. Aurra brushes her teeth half in and half out of the bathroom so she can watch TV at the same time. She still wears the terry cloth robe from the night before. Jango wakes from his sleep, as if a scary monster was chasing him. His start startles Aurra.

AURRA SINGH: You startled me. Did you have a bad dream?

Jango squints down the front of the bed at her, trying to focus.

FETT: ...yeah...are you still brushing your teeth?
AURRA SINGH: This is me. I brush my teeth all night long and into the early morning. Do you think I have a problem?

Aurra goes back into the bathroom to spit. If that was supposed to be sarcasm, it was lost on Jango at this early hour. Jango, still trying to chase the cobwebs away, sees a bunch of bounty hunters on the screen talking to a guy in black.

FETT: What are you watching?
AURRA SINGH: Some kind of science fiction movie.
FETT: Are you watchin' it?

Aurra enters the room.

AURRA SINGH: In a way. Why? Would you like for me to switch it off?

FETT: Would you please?

She reaches over and turns off the TV.

FETT: It's a little too early in the morning for me to think...
AURRA SINGH: What was it about?
FETT: How should I know, you were the one watchin' it.

Aurra laughs.

AURRA SINGH: No, imbecile, what was your dream about?
FETT: Oh, I...don't remember. It's really rare I remember a dream.
AURRA SINGH: You just woke up from it.
FETT: Aurra, I'm not lying to you, I don't remember.
AURRA SINGH: Well, let's look at the grumpy man in the morning. I didn't say you were lying, it's just odd you don't remember your dreams. I always remember mine. Did you know you talk in your sleep?
FETT: I don't talk in my sleep, do I talk in my sleep?
AURRA SINGH: You did last night.
FETT: What did I say?

She lays down on top of him.

AURRA SINGH: I don't know. I couldn't understand you. (She kisses Jango.) Why don't you get up and we'll get some breakfast at that breakfast place with the pancakes.
FETT: One more kiss and I'll get up.

Aurra gives Jango a sweet long kiss.

AURRA SINGH: Satisfied?
FETT: Yep.
AURRA SINGH: Then get up, lazy bones.

Jango climbs out of bed and starts pulling clothes out of the suitcase that Aurra brought.

FETT: What time is it?
AURRA SINGH: Almost nine in the morning.
FETT(begins to occur to him that the watch might be missing): Hmmm...
AURRA SINGH: I'm gonna order a big plate of blueberry pancakes with maple syrup, eggs over easy, and five sausages.
FETT (surprised at her potential appetite): Anything to drink with that?

Jango is finished dressing in his armor and has his helmet in hand.

AURRA SINGH (referring to his clothes): Oh yes, that looks nice. To drink, a tall glass or orange juice and a black cup of coffee. After that, I'm going to have a slice of pie.
FETT: Pie for breakfast?
AURRA SINGH: Any time of the day is a good time for pie. Blueberry pie to go with the pancakes. And on top, a thin slice of melted cheese --
FETT(searching the suitcase): -- where's my watch?
AURRA SINGH: It's there.
FETT: No, it's not. It's not here.
AURRA SINGH: Have you looked?

By now, Jango is frantically rummaging through the suitcase.

FETT: Yes I've f**kin' looked!!

He's now throwing clothes.

FETT: What the f**k do you think I'm doing?! Are you sure you got it?

Aurra can hardly speak, she's never seen Jango this way.

AURRA SINGH: Uhhh...yes...beside the table drawer --
FETT: -- on the little R2D2.
AURRA SINGH: Yes, it was on your little R2D2.
FETT: Well it's not here!
AURRA SINGH (on the verge of tears): Well it should be!
FETT: Oh it most definitely should be here, but it's not. So where is it?

Aurra is crying and scared. Jango lowers his voice, which only serves to make him more menacing.

FETT: Aurra, that was my father's f**kin' watch. You know what my father went through to git me that watch?...I don't wanna get into it right now...but he went through a lot. Now all this other sh*t, you coulda set on fire, but I specifically reminded you not to forget my father's watch. Now think, did you get it?
AURRA SINGH: I believe so....
FETT: You believe so? You either did, or you didn't, now which one is it?
AURRA SINGH: Then I did.
FETT: Are you sure?
AURRA SINGH (shaking): No.

Jango freaks out, shooting around the room randomly, blowing up the TV, among other things. He kicks at a couple of things, tosses his gun around then picks it up again and blasts a hole in the roof.

FETT (to Aurra): No! It's not your fault. (he approaches her) You left it at the apartment.

He bends down in front of the woman who has sunk to the floor. He touches her hand, she flinches.

FETT: If you did leave it at the apartment, it's not your fault. I had you bring a bunch of stuff. I reminded you about it, but I didn't illustrate how personal the watch was to me. If all I gave a f**k about was my watch and the plans inside it, I should've told you. You ain't a mind reader.

He kisses her hand. Then rises. Aurra is still sniffling.

AURRA SINGH: I'm sorry.
FETT: Don't be. It just means I won't be able to eat breakfast with you.
AURRA SINGH: Why does it mean that?
FETT: Because I'm going back to my apartment to get my watch.
AURRA SINGH: Won't the Jedi be looking for you there?
FETT: That's what I'm gonna find out. If they are, and I don't think I can handle it, I'll split.

Rising from the floor.

AURRA SINGH: My darling, I don't want you to be murdered over a silly watch.
FETT: One, it's not a silly watch. Two, I'm not gonna be murdered. And three, don't be scared. I won't let anything get in the way of us living a happy life together.

Jango brings her close and puts his hands on her face.

FETT: Don't feel bad, sugar pop. Nothing you could ever do would make me permanently angry at you. (pause) I love you, remember? (he digs some money out of his wallet) Now here's some money, order those pancakes and have a great breakfast.
AURRA SINGH: Don't go.
FETT: I'll be back before you can say blueberry pie.
AURRA SINGH: Blueberry pie.
FETT: Well maybe not that fast, but fast. Okay? Okay?
AURRA SINGH: Okay.

He kisses her once more and heads for the door.

FETT: Bye-bye, sugar pop.
AURRA SINGH: Bye.

And with that, he's out the door. Aurra sits on the bed and looks at the money he gave her.

INT. AIR SPEEDER (MOVING) - DAY

Jango is beating the steering wheel and the dash with his fists as he drives down the street.

FETT: Of all the f**kin' things she coulda forgot, she forgets my father's watch with the f**king death star plans in it. I specifically reminded her not to forget it. "Bedside table -- on the R2D2." I said the words: "Don't forget my father's watch."

The speeder careens through Coruscant traffic, causing some jam ups and some screaming.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET CORNER - DAY

Jango isn't completely reckless. He has parked his speeder a couple of blocks from his apartment to check things out before he goes boppin' through the front door.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY

Jango walks down the alley until he gets to another street, then he discreetly glances out. Everything seems normal. More or less the right number of speeders in the street. None of them appear out of place. None of them have a couple of goons sitting inside. Basically, it looks like normal morning activity in front of Jango's home. Jango peers around a wall, taking in the vital information.

FETT(to himself): Why waste the manpower to stake out my place. I'd have to be a f**kin' idiot to come back here. That's how you're gonna beat 'em Jango, they keep underestimating you.

Jango walks out of the alley and is ready for anything. He crosses the street and enters his apartment courtyard.

EXT. FETT'S APARTMENT COURTYARD - DAY

Jango is in the courtyard of his apartment building. Once again, everything appears normal – the laundry room, the pool, his apartment door -- nothing appears disturbed. Jango climbs the stairs leading to his apartment, number 12. He steps outside the door and listens inside. Nothing. Jango slowly inserts the key into the door, quietly opening it.

INT. FETT'S APARTMENT - DAY

His apartment hasn't been touched. He cautiously steps inside, shuts the door and takes a quick look around. Obviously, no one is there. Jango walks into his modest kitchen, and opens the refrigerator. He takes out a carton of milk and drinks from it. With carton in hard, Jango surveys the apartment. Then he goes to the bedroom.

His bedroom is like the rest of the apartment -- neat, clean and anonymous. The only things personal in his room are a few racing trophies and some random podracing magazines and notes from those he has performed bounty duties for.

Sure enough, there's the watch just like he said it was: on the bedside table, hanging on his little R2D2 statue. Flipping it open, he sees the Death Star plans still in it. He sighs, then walks through the apartment and back into the kitchen. He opens a cupboard and takes out a box of Pop Tarts. Putting down the milk, he opens the box, takes out two Pop Tarts and puts them in the toaster. Jango glances to his right, his eyes fall on something. What he sees is a custom blue-bladed lightsaber with a huge silencer on it, lying on his kitchen counter. He picks up the intimidating peace of weaponary and examines it.

Then...a toilet flushes. Jango looks up to the bathroom door, which is parallel to the kitchen. There is someone behind it. Like a rabbit caught in a radish patch, Jango freezes, not knowing what to do.

The bathroom door opens and Obi-Wan Kenobi steps out of the bathroom, tightening his belt. In his hand is the book "MODESTY BLAISE" by Peter O'Donnell.

Obi-Wan and Jango lock eyes. Obi-Wan freezes. Jango doesn't move, except to point the lightsaber in Obi-Wan's direction.

Neither man opens his mouth. Then...the toaster kicks up the Pop Tarts. That's all the situation needed.

Jango's finger hits the trigger. Obi-Wan uses the force to pull it away. They have a brief battle scene before Obi-Wan dashes out the window. Jango then jumps out as well but does not pursue.

EXT. APARTMENT COURTYARD – DAY

Jango, running very rapidly, crosses the courtyard...comes out of the apartment building, crosses the street...goes through the alley...and into the air speeder. Jango cranks the ship into gear and flies away. The big wide smile of a survivor breaks across his face.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING STREET – DAY

The air speeder turns down the alley and slowly cruises by his apartment building, taxiing as it readies to return to the hotel. Jango looks out the window at his former home.

FETT: That's how you're gonna beat 'em, Jango. They keep underestimatin' ya.

This makes the Bounty Hunter laugh out loud. He reaches a stop, singing along with the song on the radio, then sees

THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD

the big man himself, Anakin Skywalker, steps off the curb, crossing the street in front of Jango's ship. Laughing boy stops when he sees the big man directly in front of him.

When Anakin is in front of Jango's ship, he casually glances to his left, sees Jango, continues walking...then stops. Jango can just hear him say one thing.

Anakin: Motherf**ker!

Jango doesn't wait for the big man to act. He slams on the gas pedal. The ship just misses Anakin, who falls to the ground, then uses the Force to slam the ship back to the ground as well. Jango sits dazed and confused in the crumpled mess of what at one time was the air speeder. Blood flows from his nostrils.

A PEDESTRIAN pokes her head inside.

PEDESTRIAN: Jesus, are you okay?

Jango looks at her, spaced-out.

FETT: I guess.

Anakin Skywalker lies sprawled out in the street.

ANAKIN: Well, I'll be damned.

The big man takes out his lightsaber and any Gawkers back away. Anakin starts moving toward Jango. Jango sees the fierce figure making a wobbly bee-line toward him.

FETT: Monkey-f**ker...

Anakin brings up his weapon and swings, but he's shaky and dazed from smacking himself against the ground that his arm goes wild.

He hits a LOOKY-LOO WOMAN in the hip. She falls to the ground, screaming.

LOOKY-LOO WOMAN: Oh my God, I've been sliced!

That's all Jango needs to see. He's outta here.

Anakin runs after him. Neither is moving particularly fast due to the mass of traffic and the minor injuries they have suffered. Jango cuts across traffic and dashes into a business with a sign that reads "NEIMODIAN TRADE FEDERATION LTD."

INT. TRADE FEDERATION HQ- DAY

RUNE HAAKO, a hillbilly-lookin' boy, stands behind the counter of the HQ when, all of a sudden, chaos in the form of Jango races into his world.

RUNE HAAKO: Can I help you with something?
FETT: Shut up!

Jango quickly takes measure of the situation, than stands next to the door.

RUNE HAAKO: Now you just wait one goddamn minute --

Before Rune Haako can finish his threat, Anakin charges in. He doesn't get past the doorway because Jango lands his fist in Anakin's face. The Jedi's feet go out from under him and the big man falls flat on his back. Jango pounces on the fallen body, punching him twice more in the face. Jango takes his blaster out, then jams it in Anakin’s face.

FETT: Fifth lap my ass goes down? F**k it! F**k it!! Now I gots somethin’ else for ya, and guess what, someone’s about to get his f**kin’ head blown off!
RUNE HAAKO: -- hold it right there, godammit!

Jango and Anakin look up at Rune Haako, who's brandishing a blaster of his own, aimed at the two men.

FETT: Look mister, this ain't any of your business –
RUNE HAAKO: -- I'm making it my business! Now toss that blaster away, take your foot off the Jedi.

Jango does.

RUNE HAAKO: Now stand up and come to the counter.

Jango slowly gets up and moves to the counter. As soon as he gets there, Rune Haako smacks him hard in the face with the butt of the shotgun, knocking Jango down and out. After Jango goes down, Rune Haako calmly lays the shotgun on the counter and moves to the telephone.

Anakin Skywalker, from his position on the floor, groggily watches the pawnshop owner dial a number. Rune Haako waits on the line while the other end rings. Then it picks up.

RUNE HAAKO: Nute? It's Rune. The frog just caught some flies.

Anakin passes out.

INT. TRADE FED BACK ROOM - DAY

Fett & Anakin are tied up in two separate chairs. In their mouths are two S&M-style ball gags. Both men are unconscious and Jango’s helmet lies on the floor nearby. Rune Haako steps in with a fire extinguisher and sprays both guys until they're wide awake and wet as otters. The two prisoners look up at their captors.

Rune Haako stands in front of them, fire extinguisher in one hand, shotgun in the other, and Fett’s blaster sticking in his belt.

RUNE HAAKO: Nobody kills anybody in my place of business except me or Nute Gunray.

A buzz.

RUNE HAAKO: That's Nute Gunray.

Without saying another word, Rune Haako climbs up the stairs that lead to red curtains and goes through them to let the Viceroy in.

Jango and Anakin look around the room. The basement of the HQ has been converted into a dungeon. After taking in their predicament, Jango and Anakin look at each other, all traces of hostility gone, replaced by a terror they both share at what they've gotten themselves into.

Rune Haako and Nute Gunray come through the curtains. Nute Gunray is an even more intense version of Rune Haako, if such a thing is possible. The two Neimodians are obviously brothers. Where Rune Haako is a vicious pitbull, Nute Gunray is a deadly cobra. Nute Gunray walks in and stands in front of the two captives. He inspects them for a long time, then says:

NUTE GUNRAY (to Rune Haako): You said you waited for me?
RUNE HAAKO: I did.
NUTE GUNRAY: Then why are they all beat up?
RUNE HAAKO: They did that to each other. They were fighting when they came in. This one was gonna shoot that one.
NUTE GUNRAY (to Jango): You were gonna shoot him?

Jango makes no reply.

NUTE GUNRAY: Hey, is Slave 1 gonna be okay in front of this place?
RUNE HAAKO: Yes, it isn't Tuesday is it?
NUTE GUNRAY: No, it's Thursday.
RUNE HAAKO: Then she'll be fine.
NUTE GUNRAY: Okay then. Bring out The Droidekka.
RUNE HAAKO: I think The Droidekka’s recharging.
NUTE GUNRAY: Well, I guess you'll just wake him up then, won't you?

Rune Haako goes into the next room, opens a compartment and activates the Droidekka within.

The Droidekka is a bot they keep for protection that is difficult at best to defeat with Jedi powers, the likely reason it exists to begin with. It has shields, multiple blasters, and can roll itself in a protective shell.

Nute Gunray takes the chair, sits it in front of the two prisoners, then lowers into it. Rune Haako hands The Droidekka’s leash to Nute Gunray, then backs away.

Rune Haako hangs back while Nute Gunray appraises the two men.

RUNE HAAKO: Who's first?
NUTE GUNRAY: I am not sure yet.

Then with his little finger, Nute Gunray does a silent "Eenie, meany, miney, moe..." just his mouth mouthing the words and his finger going back and forth between the two. Jango are Anakin are terrified.

Rune Haako looks back and forth at the victims. Nute Gunray continues his silent sing-song with his finger moving left to right, then it stops on Anakin. Nute Gunray stands up.

NUTE GUNRAY: Wanna do it here?
RUNE HAAKO: Naw, drag big boy to the other room.

Nute Gunray grabs Anakin' chair and drags him along into the room. As Anakin is dragged away, he locks eyes with Jango before he disappears behind the door.

RUNE HAAKO (to The Droidekka): Up!

The Droidekka rises. Rune Haako ties its leash to a hook on the ceiling.

RUNE HAAKO: Keep an eye on this one.

Rune Haako disappears into the other room and music starts playing. Jango looks at The Droidekka, which stays with its guns fixed on him.

Jango pauses, listening to the struggle in the other room. Then, in a panic, hurriedly struggles to get free. After a moment, Jango stops struggling and lifts up on his arms. Then, quite easily, the padded chair back slides up and off as if it were never connected by a bolt.

The Droidekka goes to blast him, but Jango sprouts an arm cannon from his armor, and blasts it to pieces. Picking up his helmet, he heads for the curtains.

Jango decides for the life of him, he can't leave anybody in a situation like that. Se he begins rooting around the upstairs for a weapon more effective than his arm blaster.

He picks up a big destructive-looking hammer, then discards it: not destructive enough. He picks up a chainsaw, thinks about it for a moment, then puts it back. Next, a large Louisville slugger he tries on for size. But then he spots what he's been looking for:

A lightsaber. Anakin’s lightsaber.

It seems to glisten a powerful blue in the low-wattage light. Jango touches his thumb to the activator button. Holding the saber pointed downward, Takakura Ken-style, he disappears through the red curtains to take care of business.

Jango quietly sneaks down the stairs leading to the dungeon. He can only fathom what is going on behind that closed door. Jango pushes the door open. It swings open silently, revealing the attackers who have switched positions. Nute Gunray is now bent over Anakin, who is bent over a wooden horse. Rune Haako watches. Both have their backs to Jango.

Rune Haako faces Anakin, grinning, while Jango comes up behind him with the saber. Nute continues working on Anakin’s robotic arm, trying to pry it off, succeed where Rune failed.

Miserable, violated, and looking like a rag doll, Anakin, red ball gag still in mouth, opens his watery eyes to see Jango coming up behind Rune Haako. His eyes widen.

Suddenly, Rune Haako turns and sees Jango holding the saber.

Then with a mighty swing, Jango slices Rune Haako across the front, moving past him, eyes and blade now locked on Nute Gunray. Rune Haako stands trembling, his front sliced open, in shock. Jango, while never taking his eyes off Nute Gunray, thrusts the saber behind him, skewering Rune Haako, then exracts it, pointing the blade toward Nute Gunray. Rune Haako falls dead.

Nute Gunray disengages from Anakin in a hurry and his eyes go from the tip of Jango's lightsaber to a blaster, which lies within reach. Jango's eyes follow Nute Gunray's.

FETT: You want the gun, Nute? Pick it up.

Nute Gunray's hand inches toward the weapon. Jango grips the saber tighter.

Nute Gunray studies Jango, Jango looks hard at Nute Gunray.

Then a VOICE says:

ANAKIN: Step aside, Jango.

Jango steps aside, revealing Anakin standing behind him, holding Rune Haako's pump-action shotgun.

KABOOM!!!!

Nute Gunray is blasted in the groin. Down he goes, screaming in agony. Anakin, looking down at his whimpering attacker, ejects the used shotgun shell.

Jango lowers the saber and hangs back. Not a word, until:

FETT: You okay?
ANAKIN: Naw man. I'm pretty f**kin' far from okay!

Long pause.

FETT: What now?
ANAKIN: What now? Well let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple pipe-hittin' Jedi to come down here to get in on our little pal here with a couple of double edged lightsabers and a blowtorch. (to Nute Gunray) Hear me talkin' viceroy?! I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna git Medieval on your ass.
FETT: I meant what now, between me and you?
ANAKIN: Oh, that what now? Well, let me tell ya what now between me an' you. There is no me an' you. Not no more.
FETT: So we're cool?
ANAKIN: Yeah man, we're cool. One thing I ask -- two things I ask: don't tell nobody about this. This sh*t's between me and you and the soon-to-be-livin'-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain, arm-thief here. It ain't nobody else's business. Two: leave town. Tonight. Right now. And when you're gone, stay gone. Your Coruscant privileges have been revoked. Got it?
FETT: Deal.
ANAKIN: Go on now, get your ass outta here.

Jango leaves through the red curtains after handing the lightsaber to Anakin and getting his blast rifle back.

Anakin walks over to a comlink, dialing a number.

ANAKIN: Hello Mr. Yoda, it's Anakin. Gotta bit of a situation.

EXT. TRADE FEDERATION HQ – DAY

Jango, still shaking in his boots, leaves. He looks ahead and sees, parked in front of the establishment, Nute Gunray's Big ship that has the name "SLAVE 1" on it. He climbs aboard, starts it up, and takes off.

EXT. MOTEL – DAY

Jango rides up on Slave 1. He hops out, runs upstairs, grabbing Aurra, then they run back down. Seeing the ship, Aurra stops.

AURRA SINGH: Where did you get this ship?
FETT (starting in): I’ll explain later, baby, hop in.

She doesn't move. Jango looks at her.

FETT: Honey, we gotta hit the f**kin' road!

Aurra starts to cry. Jango realizes that this is not the way to get her on the ship. He turns off the engine and reaches out, taking her hand.

FETT: I'm sorry, baby-love.
AURRA SINGH (crying): You were gone so long, I started to think dreadful thoughts.
FETT: I'm sorry I worried you, sweetie. Everything's fine. Hey, how was breakfast?
AURRA SINGH (waterworks drying a little): It was good –
FETT: -- did you get the blueberry pancakes?
AURRA SINGH: No, they didn't have blueberry pancakes -- are you sure you're okay?
FETT: Baby-love, from the moment I left you, this has been without a doubt the single weirdest day of my entire life. Climb on an' I'll tell ya about it.

Aurra does climb on. Jango starts her up.

AURRA SINGH: Jango, whose speeder is this?
FETT: It's a starship.
AURRA SINGH: Whose starship is this?
FETT: Nute's.
AURRA SINGH: Who's Nute?
FETT: Nute's dead, baby, Nute's dead.

And with that, the two lovebirds fly into the stratosphere and off Coruscant, destined for Kamino.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Redstreak:
FETT: What now?
ANAKIN: What now? Well let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple pipe-hittin' Jedi to come down here to get in on our little pal here with a couple of double edged lightsabers and a blowtorch. (to Nute Gunray) Hear me talkin' viceroy?! I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna git Medieval on your ass.
FETT: I meant what now, between me and you?
ANAKIN: Oh, that what now? Well, let me tell ya what now between me an' you. There is no me an' you. Not no more.
FETT: So we're cool?
ANAKIN: Yeah man, we're cool. One thing I ask -- two things I ask: don't tell nobody about this. This sh*t's between me and you and the soon-to-be-livin'-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain, arm-thief here. It ain't nobody else's business. Two: leave town. Tonight. Right now. And when you're gone, stay gone. Your Coruscant privileges have been revoked. Got it?
FETT: Deal.
ANAKIN: Go on now, get your ass outta here.

Jango leaves through the red curtains after handing the lightsaber to Anakin and getting his blast rifle back.

Anakin walks over to a comlink, dialing a number.

ANAKIN: Hello Mr. Yoda, it's Anakin. Gotta bit of a situation.

---

Awesome. Just awesome.

THE BERU SITUATION

Inside the bathroom, a gungan sits up against the door with a bag of boomers by his side, listening to Mace reciting Ezekiel 25:17.

Then the Jedi absolutely go off, slashing away at the gungans until nothing remains. The only sound is Maul muttering like a little sh*t in the corner, looking stupid with his big red face.

MAUL: That was some cold blooded sh*t...totally f**ked up...
KENOBI(points to Maul): Friend of yours?
WINDU: Yeah, Maul—Obi Wan. Obi Wan—Maul.
KENOBI: Tell him to shut it...he's getting on my nerves.
WINDU: (To Maul) Man, I’d knock that stutterin’ sh*t off if I was you.

Bathroom door bursts open, and the third gungan emerges holding a bag of boomers, which he unleashes on the Jedi, missing them entirely. All this while screaming: Die-die-die-die, motherf**kers!!!!

The Jedi look at each other, then their faces turn stone cold. As the gungan looks at his sack, befuddled, they re-light their sabers and slice him up like he’s those little cheese samplers you get at supermarkets.

KENOBI: You mean there was another filthy gungun hiding in the pisser all this time and you didn't tell us?
MAUL: I...forgot...
KENOBI: You forgot?!? You got a gungan with a damn hand cannon and you forgot?
WINDU(to himself): We should be f**kin' dead right now. (pause) Did you see those boomers he fired at us? They were bigger than him.
KENOBI: .357s.
WINDU: We should be f**kin' dead!
KENOBI: Yeah, we were lucky.

Master Windu rises, moving toward Obi-Wan.

WINDU: That sh*t wasn't luck. That sh*t was somethin' else.

Obi-Wan prepares to leave.
KENOBI: Yeah, maybe.
WINDU: That was...divine intervention. You know what divine intervention is?
KENOBI: Yeah, I think so. That means The Force stopped the boomers.
WINDU: Yeah, man, that's what is means. That's exactly what it means! The Force came down and stopped the boomers.
KENOBI: I think we should be going now.
WINDU: Don't do that! Don't you f**kin' do that! Don't blow this sh*t off! What just happened was a f**kin' miracle!
KENOBI: Chill the f**k out, Master Windu, this sh*t happens.
WINDU: Wrong, wrong, this sh*t doesn't just happen.
KENOBI: Do you wanna continue this theological discussion in the speeder, or at the jailhouse with the cops?
WINDU: We should be f**kin' dead now, my friend! We just witnessed a miracle, and I want you to f**kin' acknowledge it!
KENOBI: Okay man, it was a miracle, can we
leave now?

INT. SPEEDER (MOVING) - MORNING

Master Windu is behind the wheel, Obi-Wan in the passenger seat and Maul in the back.

KENOBI: ...ever seen Bail Organa? F**ker was on the landing platform once, got in a f**king fight with this bounty hunter. Guy shot Bail six times, I mean dead-on. Bail blasts him outta the sky, steps away, and there are six holes in the platform under his feet. Not a scratch on him. Things just kinda happen.
WINDU: If you wanna play blind man, then go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide f**kin' open.
KENOBI: What the f**k does that mean?
WINDU: That's it for me. For here on in, you can consider my ass retired. I'm tellin' Anakin today I'm through.
KENOBI: While you're at it, be sure to tell 'im why.
WINDU: Don't worry, I will.
KENOBI: I'll bet ya ten thousand credits, he laughs his ass off.
WINDU: I don't give a damn if he does.

Obi-Wan turns to the backseat with the lightsaber casually in his grip.

KENOBI: Maul, what do you make of all this?
MAUL: Man, I don't even have an opinion.
KENOBI: C'mon, Maul, you gotta have an opinion. Do you think the Force stopped the blasts or what?

Obi-Wan's lightsaber jumps out of his hand, turns on, and cuts Maul in half!

WINDU: What the f**k was that sh*t?
KENOBI: I cut Maul in half!
WINDU: Why the f**k did you do that?
KENOBI: I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident.
WINDU: I've seen a lot of crazy-ass sh*t in my time – now you actin’ like a f**kin’ Padawan with that damn thing!
KENOBI: -- chill out, man, it was an accident, okay? You hit a bump or somethin' and the saber went off.
WINDU: The speeder didn't hit no motherf**kin' bump!
KENOBI: Look! I didn't mean to cut this son-of-a-bitch in half, the saber just went off, don't ask me how! Sh*t, the speeder is completely covered in blood, man!
WINDU: No f**king way!
KENOBI (to himself): F**k.
WINDU: Look at this mess! We're drivin' around on a city street in broad daylight --
KENOBI: -- I know, I know.
WINDU: Well you better be thinkin' now, motherf**ker! We gotta get this speeder off the road. Cops tend to notice sh*t like you're driving a speeder drenched in f**kin' blood.
KENOBI: Can't we just take it to a friendly place?
WINDU: Anakin don't got no friendly places this side of the Senate.
KENOBI: Well, don't look at me, this is your town, Master Windu.

Master Windu takes out a comlink and starts punching digits.

KENOBI: Who ya callin'?
WINDU: A buddy of mine on the moisture farms.
KENOBI: Moisture farms? Not a-f**king-gain.
WINDU: Hey, you wanna get out of this or not? If Owen's ass ain't home, I don't know what the f**k we're gonna go. I ain't got any other Jedi I can reach through the Force now. (into phone) Owen! How you doin' man, it's Master Windu. (pause) Listen up man, me an' my homeboy are in some serious sh*t. We're in a speeder we gotta get off the road, pronto! I need to use your hangar for a couple hours. (pause) Owen, you know I can't get into this sh*t on a cellular f**kin' comlink. But what I can say is my ass is out in the cold and I'm askin' you for some sanctuary 'til our people can bring us in. (pause) I appreciate this, man -- (pause) We'll be gone by then. (pause) -- Owen, I'm aware of your situation. I ain't gonna f**k things up for you. I give you my word, partner, she'll never know we were there. (pause) Five minutes. Later.

He folds up the comlink, turns to Obi-Wan.

WINDU: We're set. But his wife come home from work in an hour and a half and we gotta be outta there by then.

INT. OWEN'S BATHROOM - DAY

Master Windu is bent over a sink, washing his bloody hands while Obi-Wan stands behind him.

WINDU: We gotta be real f**kin' delicate with Owen's situation. He's one remark away from kickin' our asses out the door.
KENOBI: If he kicks us out, whadda we do?
WINDU: Well, we ain't leavin' 'til we made a couple phone calls. But I never want it to reach that pitch. Owen's my friend and you don't bust in your friend's house and start tellin' 'im what's what.

Master Windu rises and dries his hands. Obi-Wan takes his place at the sink.

KENOBI: Just tell 'im not to be abusive. He kinda freaked out back there when he saw Maul.
WINDU: Put yourself in his position. It's eight o'clock in the morning. He just woke up, he wasn't prepared for this sh*t. Don't forget who's doin' who a favor.

Obi-Wan finishes, then dries his hands on a white towel.

KENOBI: If the price of that favor is I gotta take sh*t, he can stick his favor straight up his ass.

When Obi-Wan is finished drying his hands, the towel is stained with red.

WINDU: What the f**k did you just do to his towel?
KENOBI: I was just dryin' my hands.
WINDU: You're supposed to wash 'em first.
KENOBI: You watched me wash 'em.
WINDU: I watched you get 'em wet.
KENOBI: I washed 'em. Blood's real hard to get off. Maybe if he had some Lava, I coulda done a better job.
WINDU: I used the same soap you did and when I dried my hands, the towel didn't look like a f**kin' Tusken raider after Anakin’s rampage. Look, f**k it, alright. Who cares? But it's sh*t like this that's gonna bring this situation to a boil. If he were to come in here and see that towel like that...I'm tellin' you Obi-Wan, you best be cool. 'Cause if I gotta get in to it with Owen on account of you....Look, I ain't threatenin' you, I respect you an' all, just don't put me in that position.
KENOBI: Master Windu, you ask me nice like that, no problem. He's your friend, you handle him.

INT. OWEN'S KITCHEN - MORNING

Three men are standing in Owen's kitchen, each with a mug of coffee. Master Windu, Obi-Wan and Owen Lars, a young man in his late-20s dressed in a bathrobe.

WINDU: Goddamn Owen, this is some good Jawa Juice. Me and Obi would have been satisfied with some freeze-dried Jundland-Choice. And you spring this serious gourmet-sh*t on us! What flavor is this?
OWEN: Knock it off, Mace.
WINDU: What?
OWEN: I'm not a cobb or corn, so you can stop butterin' me up. I don't need you to tell me how good my juice is. I'm the one who buys it, I know how f**kin' good it is. When Beru goes shoppin, she buys sh*t. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff 'cause when I drink it, I wanna taste it. But what's on my mind at this moment isn't the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead sith in my hangar.
WINDU: Owen --
OWEN: -- I'm talkin'. Now let me ask you a question, Master Windu. When you drove in here, did you notice a sign out front that said, "Dead Sith storage?"

Master Windu starts to "Owen" him --

OWEN: -- answer the question. Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said, "Dead Sith storage?"
WINDU (playing along): Naw man, I didn't.
OWEN: You know why you didn't see that sign?
WINDU (sighs): Why?
OWEN: 'Cause it ain’t there, man. Cuz storin' dead Sith ain't my f**kin' business!

Master Windu starts to "Owen" him.

OWEN: -- I ain't through! Now don't you understand that if Beru comes home and finds a dead body in her house, I'm gonna get divorced. No marriage counselor, no trial separation -- f**kin' divorced. And I don't wanna get f**kin' divorced. The last time me an' Beru talked about this sh*t was gonna be the last time me an' Beru talked about this sh*t. Now I wanna help ya out Mace, I really do. But I ain't gonna lose my wife doin' it.
WINDU: Owen --
OWEN: -- don't f**kin' Owen me, man, I can't be Owend. There's nothin' you can say that's gonna make me forget I love my wife. Now she's workin' the graveyard shift at the hospital. She'll be comin' home in less than an hour and a half. Make your phone calls, talk to your people, do whatever the f**k you gotta do, then get the f**k out of my house.
WINDU: That's all we want. We don't wanna f**k up your sh*t, We just need to call our people to bring us in.
OWEN: Then I suggest you get to it. Communicator’s in my bedroom.

Master Windu crosses the room, exiting.

EXT. ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S POOL AREA - MORNING

Anakin Skywalker sits at his dining table in a big comfy robe, eating his large breakfast with Padmé nearby in a sexy swimsuit, while talking on the comlink.

ANAKIN: ...well, say she comes home. Whaddya think she'll do? (pause) No f**kin' sh*t she'll freak. That ain't no kinda answer. You know 'er, I don't. How bad, a lot or a little?

INT. OWEN'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Master Windu paces around in Owen's bedroom on the phone.

WINDU: You got to appreciate what an explosive element this Beru situation is. If she comes home from a hard day's work and finds a bunch of gangster Jedi doin' a bunch of gangsta' Jedi sh*t in her kitchen, ain't no tellin' what she's apt to do.
ANAKIN: Let us speak of the unspeakable.
WINDU: Possibility exists, but unlikely.
ANAKIN: Why possible but unlikely?
WINDU: 'Cause if push met shove, you know I'll take care of business. But push ain't never gonna meet shove. Because you're gonna solve this sh*t for us. You're gonna take our asses outta the cold and bring it inside where it's warm. 'Cause if I gotta get into it with my friend about his wife over your boy Obi-Wan, I'm gonna have bad feelings.
ANAKIN: I've grasped that, Master Windu. All I'm doin' is contemplating the "ifs."
WINDU: I don't wanna hear about no motherf**kin' "ifs." What I wanna hear from your ass is: "you ain't got no problems, Master Windu. I'm on the motherf**ker. Go back in there, chill them Jedi out and wait for the cavalry, which shall be comin' directly."
ANAKIN: You ain't got no problems, Master Windu. I'm on the motherf**ker. Go back in there, chill them Jedi out and wait for The Yoda, who should be comin' directly.
WINDU: You sendin' The Yoda?
ANAKIN: Feel better?
WINDU: Sh*t Jedi, that's all you had to say!

INT. HOTEL SUITE - MORNING

In a room adjacent to one where young Jedi prospects are being trained, a small figure sits. He is in simple Jedi robes, is green, and has white hair. He is The Yoda. He has a small notepad that he jots details in.

THE YODA (into comlink): Hysterical type, is she? (pause) When she due? (jotting down) Give me the principals' names again? (jots down) Master Windu...Obi-Wan...Owen...Beru...

He writes: Obi-Wan (Dean Martin), Owen (house), Beru (9:30)

THE YODA: Expect call around 10:30. It's about thirty minutes away. Be there in ten, I will.

He hangs up. We never see his face.

EXT. OWEN'S STREET - MORNING

NINE MINUTES AND THIRTY-SEVEN SECONDS LATER

A gleaming Naboo Yacht streaks through the streets at incredible speed. A green finger touches the doorbell: DING DONG. Owen opens the door. It appears there’s no one there. Then he looks down and sees the small green Jedi master standing there. He looks down to his notebook, then up at Owen.

THE YODA: Mmm... Owen you are, right? This is your house?
OWEN: Sure is.
THE YODA: Master Yoda I am; problems I solve.
OWEN: Good, we got one.
THE YODA: Heard I did, come in may I?
OWEN: Yeah, please do.

Owen walks to the dining room, Yoda uses the force to hover in.

THE YODA: I want to convey Mr. Skywalker's gratitude with the help you're providing on this matter. Assure you I do Owen, Mr. Skywalker's gratitude, worth having it is.

In the dining room, Master Windu and Obi-Wan stand up.

THE YODA: See through you I can...Master Windu you are, which would make you Obi-Wan. Get down to brass tacks we must. If informed correctly I was, the clock is ticking, is that right, Owen?
OWEN: 100%.
THE YODA: Your wife, Beru... (refers to his pad)...comes home at 9:30 in the AM, correct is that?
OWEN: Uh-huh.
THE YODA: Led to believe I was that if she comes home and finds us here, appreciate it she would not.
OWEN: She won't at that.
THE YODA: Forty minutes there is to get the f**k outta Dodge, then. if do what I say you do, and when I say it, should be plenty it oughta. Now corpse in a car you have, minus a head, in hangar, yes? Take me to it.

INT. OWEN'S GARAGE – HANGAR - MORNING

The three men hang back as The Yoda examines the speeder. He studies it in silence, opening the door, looking inside, circling it.

THE YODA: Owen?
OWEN: Yes.
THE YODA: Do me a favor? Thought I smelled some coffee in there. Make me a cup, would you?
OWEN: Sure, how do you take it?
THE YODA: Much cream, much sugar.

Owen exits. The Yoda continues his examination.

THE YODA: About the speeder, anything I need to know, is there? Does it stall, does it make a lot of noise, does it smoke, is there fuel in it, anything?
WINDU: Aside from how it looks, the speeder's cool.
THE YODA: Mmmm, positive are you? Don't get me out on the road and I find out the brake lights don't work.
WINDU: Hey man, as far as I know, the motherf**ker's tip-top.
THE YODA: Good enough, that is. let's go back to the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Owen hands The Yoda a cup of coffee.

THE YODA: Thank you, Owen.

He takes a sip, nods at Owen on account of how good it is, then, pacing as he thinks, lays out for the three men the plan of action.

THE YODA: Okay first thing, you two. (meaning Master Windu and Obi-Wan) Take the body, stick it in the trunk. Now Owen, looks to be a pretty domesticated house, this does. That would lead me to believe that in the garage or under the sink, bunch of cleaners and cleaners and **** like that you will have. Correct, am I?
OWEN: Yeah. Exactly. Under the sink.
THE YODA: Good. What I need you two Jedi to do is take those cleaning products and clean the inside of the car. Fast it must be. You need to go in the backseat, scoop up all those little pieces of brain and skull you must. Get it out of there. Wipe down the upholstery -- now when it comes to upholstery, it don't need to be spic and span, eat off it, you need not. Give it a good once over. What you need to take care of are the really messy parts. The pools of blood that have collected, soak that sh*t up you must. But the windows, different story, they are. Get them really clean, you must. Get the Windex, do a good job. Now Owen, we need to raid your linen closet. Blankets, comforters, quilts, bedspreads I need. The thicker the better, the darker the better. No whites, use them we cannot. Camouflage the interior of the car, we must. We will line the front seat and the backseat and the floor boards with quilts and blankets. If stopped we are and inside a cop peeks, the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, speeder appear normal it will. Owen -- lead the way, boys -- get to work.

The Yoda and Owen turn, heading for the bedroom, leaving Obi-Wan and Master Windu standing in the kitchen. Before Windu can stop him, Kenobi blurts his next line.

KENOBI (calling after him): A "please" would be nice.

The Yoda stops and turns around.

THE YODA: Come again?
KENOBI: I said a "please" would be nice.

The Yoda takes a step toward him.

THE YODA: Mmm... straight you should get this, asshole; here I am not to say 'please'; here to tell you what to do I am. If self-preservation is an instinct you possess, do it you f**kin' will! Mmm... here to help, I am. If not appreciated my help is, lots of luck Jedis...
WINDU: It ain't that way, Mr. Yoda. Your help is definitely appreciated.
KENOBI: I don't mean any disrespect. I just don't like people barking orders at me.
THE YODA: Mmm... if curt with you I am, it because think fast and talk fast I do. Act fast I need you to, if out of this you want to get. So, with sugar on top and pretty please, clean the f**kin' speeder.
KENOBI: We'll give it a try.
THE YODA: No, try not. Do or do not. There is no try!

INT. OWEN'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Owen's gathering all the bedspreads, quilts and linen he has. The Yoda is on the comlink.

THE YODA (into phone): Air speeder it is. (pause) White. (pause) Nothing, except for the mess inside. (pause) About twenty minutes. (pause) Nobody who'll be missed. (pause) Good man you are, Joe. See ya soon. (he looks at Owen) How we coming, Owen?

Owen comes over with a handful of linen.

OWEN: Mr. Yoda, you gotta understand somethin' --
THE YODA: -- Yoda, Owen -- please, Yoda. Sense trouble in you I can.
OWEN: You gotta understand something, Yoda. I want to help you guys out and all, but that's my best linen. It was a wedding present from my Uncle Cliegg and Aunt Shmi, and they ain't with us anymore --
THE YODA: -- If mind you do not, ask you a question I need.
OWEN: Sure.
THE YODA: Were Uncle Cliegg and Aunt Shmi millionaires?
OWEN: No.
THE YODA: Well, your Uncle Anakin is. And positive I am if Uncle Cliegg and Aunt Shmi were millionaires, furnished you with a whole bedroom set they would have, which your Uncle Anakin is more than happy to do. (takes out a roll of bills) I like oak myself, in my bedroom it is. How about you Owen, you an oak man?
OWEN(in awe): Oak's nice.

INT. GARAGE - MORNING

Both Master Windu and Obi-Wan are inside the speeder, cleaning it up. Obi-Wan is in the front seat washing windows, while Master Windu is in the backseat, picking up little pieces of skull and gobs of brain. Both are twice as bloody as they were before.

WINDU: I will never forgive your ass for this sh*t. This is some f**ked-up repugnant sh*t!
KENOBI: Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits he's wrong, he's immediately forgiven for all wrong-doings?
WINDU: Man, get outta my face with that sh*t! The motherf**ker who said that never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull with his fingers on account of your dumb ass.
KENOBI: I got a threshold, Master Windu. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And you're crossin' it. I'm a lightsaber and you got me slicing droids. Just know, it's f**kin' dangerous to be pushin’ a lightsaber that’s workin’ that hard. It could blow.
WINDU: You're gettin' ready to blow? I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' Sith ass kickin, motherf**ker, mother f**ka! Every time my fingers touch brain I'm "super charged pod racing," I'm the "guns of slave 1." I'm what Jabba the Hutt usta talk about. In fact, what the f**k am I doin' in the back? You're the motherf**ker not able to control his lightsaber who should be on brain detail. We switchin'. I'm washin' windows and you're pickin' up this sith's skull.

INT. SPEEDER - MORNING

The interior of the speeder has been cleaned and lined with bedspreads and quilts. Believe it or not, what looked like a portable slaughterhouse can actually pass for a non-descript vehicle.

The Yoda circles the car examining it.

Master Windu and Obi-Wan stand aside, their clothes are literally a bloody mess, but they do have a sense of pride in what a good job they've done.

THE YODA: Fine job, gentlemen. Get out of this yet, we may.
OWEN: I can't believe that's the same speeder.
THE YODA: Well, suck each other’s dicks we must not. Phase one, complete it is, clean the speeder you did, which move to phase two we do, clean you two we must.

EXT. OWEN'S BACKYARD - MORNING

Master Windu and Obi-Wan stand side by side in their Jedi robes, covered in blood, in Owen's backyard. Owen holds a plastic Hefty trash bag, while The Yoda holds a garden hose with one of those guns nozzles attached.

THE YODA: Mmm, Strip.
KENOBI: All the way?
THE YODA: To your bare ass.

As they follow directions, The Yoda enjoys a smoke.

THE YODA: Quickly gentlemen, fifteen minutes we have before Owen's better-half comes pulling into the driveway.
WINDU: This morning air is some chilly sh*t.
KENOBI: Are you sure this is absolutely necessary?
THE YODA: What you two look like, you know?
KENOBI: What?
THE YODA: Mmm... like a couple of guys who cut off someone's head. Absolutely necessary it is, stripping off those bloody rags. Throw them in Owen’s bag, you will.
WINDU: Now Owen, don't be stupid and leave these out for a Jawa recycling crew.
THE YODA: Taking them with us, we are. Now, Spice mines of Kessel, I'm sure you've been to. So...

He hands the now-naked men a bar of soap.

THE YODA: Here it comes.

He force-hits the trigger, water shoots out, smacking both men.

WINDU: Goddamn, that water's f**kin' cold!
THE YODA: Mmm, better you than me, gentlemen.

The two men, trembling, scrub themselves.

THE YODA: Afraid not, be of the soap.
OWEN (smirking): Get up in their hair.
KENOBI: Do it goddamn it; do it.
WINDU: Yeah, get my head!

Mace and Obi Wan have been washed clean of the blood. The Yoda turns the hose off and looks to Owen.

THE YODA: Mmm, towels.

Owen tosses them each a towel, which they rub furiously across their bodies.

THE YODA: Dry enough, they are. Give 'em their clothes.

QUICK FADE BACK TO THE DRESSED WINDU AND KENOBI

in their tee-shirts and swim trunks. They look a million miles away from the Jedi robed, bad-asses.

THE YODA: Perfect. Perfect. Planned this better, we could not. Mmm... look like, what do they, Owen?
OWEN: Dorks. They look like a couple of dorks.

The Yoda and Owen laugh.

WINDU: Ha ha ha. They're your clothes, motherf**ker.
OWEN: I guess you just gotta know how to wear them.
WINDU: Yeah, well, out asses ain't the expert on wearin' dorky sh*t that yours is.
THE YODA: Laughing our way into spice-mining, we are. Mmm... beg, do not make me gentlemen.

EXT. HANGAR - MORNING

The garbage bag is tossed in the speeder trunk on top of Maul. The Yoda slams it closed with the Force.

THE YODA: Gentlemen, get our rules of the road straight we shall. The place we go to is called Jawa Joe's Truck and Tow. Jawa Joe and his daughter Oola are sympathetic to our dilemma. Drive the tainted car, I will. Master Windu, you ride with me. Obi-Wan, follow in my Yacht, you will. Now if we cross the path of any John Q. Laws, until do something I do, nobody does a f**kin' thing. (to Master Windu) What did I say?
WINDU: Don't do sh*t unless --
THE YODA: -- unless what?
WINDU: Unless you do it first.
THE YODA: Spoken like a true prodigy, that was. Bring a tear to my eye it would. (to Obi-Wan) You, cool you are? Do nothing stupid, will you?
KENOBI: I'm cool, Mr. Yoda. My saber just went off, I dunno how.
THE YODA: Fair enough. (he throws Obi-Wan his yacht keys) Drive real f**kin' fast I do, so keep up. If I get my car back any different than I gave it, be disposing of two bodies, Jawa Joe will. Let's move.

Owen comes through the door, camera in hand.

OWEN: Wait a minute, I wanna take a picture.
WINDU: We ain't got time, man.
OWEN: We got time for one picture. You and Obi-Wan get together.

Master Windu and Obi-Wan stand next to each other.

OWEN: Okay, you guys put your arms around each other.

The two men look at each other and, after a long beat, a smile breaks out. They put their arms around each other.

OWEN: Okay Yoda, get in there.
THE YODA: Model I ain’t.
OWEN: After what a cool guy I've been, I can't believe you do me like this. It's the only thing I asked.
WINDU & KENOBI: C'mon, Mr. Yoda....
THE YODA: Okay, one photo and we go.
OWEN: Smile, Yoda.
THE YODA: Smile in pictures, I do not.

Owen gets in the shot, then the camera goes off.

THE PHOTO FADES UP OVER WHITE.

it's Master Windu and Obi-Wan, their arms around each other, next to Owen whose arm is around The Yoda. Everyone is smiling except you-know-who.

EXT. JAWA JOE'S TRUCK AND TOW - MORNING

Yoda steps outside and is joined by Jawa Joe's daughter, OOLA. They walk in step across the yard. They exit the tow yard. Master Windu and Obi-Wan wait by Yoda's Yacht.

WINDU: We cool?
YODA: Like it never happened.

Master Windu and Obi-Wan bump fists.

WINDU: I apologize for bein' in your sh*t like I was.
KENOBI: You had every right, I f**ked up.
OOLA (to Yoda): Are they having a moment?
YODA: Boys, Oola this is. Someday, all this will be hers.
OOLA (to the boys): Hi. You guys going to a volleyball game?

Yoda laughs, the boys groan.

YODA: Takin' m'lady out to breakfast, I am. Maybe I can drop you two off. Where do you live?

Kenobi points one way, Windu the other. Yoda grabs Master Windu' wrist and pantomimes like he's in a "DEAD ZONE" trance.

YODA (painfully): It's your future I see...a cab ride. (dropping the act) Sorry guys, move out of the sticks you must. (to Oola) Say goodbye, Oola.
OOLA: Goodbye, Oola.
YODA: Around I’ll see you two, and stay outta trouble, you crazy kids.

Yoda turns to leave.

WINDU: Mr. Yoda.

He turns around.

WINDU: I was a pleasure watchin' you work.

The Yoda smiles.

YODA: Call me Yoda.

He turns and banters with Oola as they get in the yacht.

YODA: Hear that, did you, young lady? Respect. Learn a lot from those two fine specimens, you could. Respect for one's elders shows character.
OOLA: I have character.
YODA: Just because you are a character doesn't mean you have character.
OOLA: Oh you're so funny, oh you're so funny.

The yacht shoots off down the road. The two men left alone look at each other.

WINDU: Wanna share a cab?
KENOBI: You know I could go for some breakfast. What to have breakfast with me?
WINDU: Sure.

INT. DEXTER JETTSER’S COFFEE SHOP - MORNING

Master Windu and Obi-Wan sit at a booth. In front of Obi-Wan is a big stack of pancakes and sausages, which he eats with gusto. Master Windu, on the other hand, just has a cup of coffee and a muffin. He seems far away in thought. The Waitress pours a refill for both men.

KENOBI (to Master Windu, who's nursing his coffee): Want a sausage?
WINDU: Naw, I don't eat mynock.
KENOBI: Are you Jewish or something?
WINDU: I ain't Jewish man, I just don't dig on bat.
KENOBI: Why not?
WINDU: They're filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.
KENOBI: Sausages taste good. Chops taste good.
WINDU: A mynock may taste like pumpkin pie. I'll never know 'cause even if it did, I wouldn't eat the filthy motherf**ker. Mynocks sleep and root in space worms. That's a filthy animal. I don't wanna eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense to disregard its own feces.
KENOBI: How about dogs? Dogs eat their own feces.
WINDU: I don't eat dog either.
KENOBI: Yes, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
WINDU: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy, but they're definitely dirty. But a dog's got personality. And personality goes a long way.
KENOBI: So by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he's cease to be a filthy animal?
WINDU: We'd have to be talkin' 'bout one motherf**kin' charmin' pig. It'd have to be the Cary Grant of pigs.

The two men laugh.

KENOBI: Good for you. Lighten up a little. You been sittin' there all quiet.
WINDU: I just been sittin' here thinkin'.
KENOBI (mouthful of food): About what?
WINDU: The miracle we witnessed.
KENOBI: The miracle you witnessed. I witnessed a freak occurrence.
WINDU: Do you know that a miracle is?
KENOBI: An act of The Force.
WINDU: What's an act of The Force?
KENOBI: I guess it's when The Force makes the impossible possible. And I'm sorry Master Windu, but I don't think what happened this morning qualifies.
WINDU: Don't you see, Obi-Wan, that sh*t don't matter. You're judging this thing the wrong way. It's not about what. It could be the Force stopped the boomers, changed Coke into Pepsi, found my f**kin' keys. You don't judge sh*t like this based on merit. Whether or not what we experienced was an according-to-Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is I felt the Force’s touch, the Force got involved. You gotta feel the Force, motherf**ker.
KENOBI: Sure, but why’d it get involved?
WINDU: That's what's f**kin' wit' me! I don't know why. But I can't go back to sleep.
KENOBI: So you're serious, you're really gonna quit?
WINDU: The life, most definitely.

Obi-Wan takes a bite of food. Master Windu takes a sip of coffee

In the b.g., we see a patron call the Waitress.

PATRON: Garcon! Coffee!

We recognize the patron to be Darth Sidious from the first scene of Darth Sidious and Count Dooku.

KENOBI: So if you're quitting the life, what'll you do?
WINDU: That's what I've been sitting here contemplating. First, I'm gonna deliver this case to Anakin. Then, basically, I'm gonna travel the universe.
KENOBI: What do you mean, travel the universe?
WINDU: You know, like Qui-Gon did for a while. Just go from planet to planet, meet people, get in adventures.
KENOBI: How long do you intend to do this?
WINDU: Until the Force puts me where it wants me to be.
KENOBI: What if it never does?
WINDU: If it takes forever, I'll wait forever.
KENOBI: So you decided to be a bum?
WINDU: I'll just be Master Windu, Obi-Wan – no more, no less.
KENOBI: No Master Windu, you're gonna be like those pieces of sh*t out there who beg for change. They walk around like a bunch of f**kin' zombies, they sleep in garbage bins, they eat what I throw away, and dogs piss on 'em. They got a word for 'em, they're called bums. And without a job, residence, or legal tender, that's what you're gonna be-- a f**kin' bum!
WINDU: Look my friend, this is just where me and you differ –
KENOBI: -- what happened was peculiar – no doubt about it -- but it wasn't water into wine.
WINDU: All shapes and sizes, Obi-Wan.
KENOBI: Stop f**kin' talkin' like that!
WINDU: If you find my answers frightening, Obi-Wan, you should cease askin' scary questions.
KENOBI: When did you make this decision -- while you were sitting there eatin' your muffin?
WINDU: Yeah. I was just sitting here drinking my coffee, eating my muffin, playin' the incident in my head, when I had what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clarity."
KENOBI: I gotta take a sh*t. To be continued.

Obi-Wan exits for the restroom. Master Windu, alone, takes a mouthful of muffin, then...Darth Sidious and Count Dooku rise with sabers raised.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Everybody be cool, this revolt will only take a second!
COUNT DOOKU: Any of you f**kers move and I'll dice each and every last one of you.

Master Windu looks up, not believing what he's seeing. Under the table, Master Windu's hand goes to his spare lightsaber. He pulls it out, readying it.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Customers stay seated, waitresses on the floor. (fires off force lightning)
COUNT DOOKU: Now means f**kin' now! We’re in control of this planet!

Like lightning, Darth Sidious moves over to the kitchen. Dooku waves his lightsaber around, and uses the Force to slam a few patrons to their seats.

DARTH SIDIOUS: You Gungans in the kitchen, get out here!

Three cooks and two busboys, all gungan, come out of the kitchen.

DARTH SIDIOUS: On the floor, now. (blasts them with force lightning)

The portly manager speaks up just then.

DEXTER JETTSER: I'm the manager here, there's no problem, no problem at all --

Darth Sidious heads his way.

DARTH SIDIOUS: You going to give us a problem?

He reaches him and sticks his lightsaber hard in DEXTER JETTSER's neck.

DARTH SIDIOUS: What? You said you're gonna give me a problem?
DEXTER JETTSER: No, I'm not. I'm not gonna give you any problem!
DARTH SIDIOUS: I don't know, Count Dooku. He looks like the hero type to me!
COUNT DOOKU: Execute him, my Lord.

The Patrons scream. Master Windu watches all this silently, his hand tightly gripping the lightsaber under the table, his preferred one stuck on top of the table, far enough away that any movement, force or otherwise, would be obvious.

DEXTER JETTSER: Please don't! I'm not a hero. I'm just a coffee shop manager. Take anything you want.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Tell everyone to cooperate and it'll be all over.
DEXTER JETTSER: Everybody just be calm and cooperate with them and this will be all over soon!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Well done, now git your f**king ass on the ground.

INT. COFFEE SHOP BATHROOM - MORNING

Obi-Wan, on the toilet, oblivious to the pandemonium outside, reads his book contently.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING

Cash register drawer opens. Darth Sidious stuffs the money from the till in his pocket. Then walks from behind the counter with a trash bag in his hand.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Okay people, I'm going to go 'round and collect your valuables and weapons. Don't talk, just toss 'em in the bag. We clear?

Darth Sidious goes around collecting items. Master Windu sits with his saber ready to spit under the table. Darth Sidious sees Master Windu sitting in his booth, holding his original lightsaber, briefcase next to him. Darth Sidious crosses to him, his tone more respectful, him manner more on guard.

DARTH SIDIOUS: In the bag.

Master Windu drops his saber in the bag. Using his saber as a pointer, Darth Sidious points to the briefcase.

DARTH SIDIOUS: What's in that?
WINDU: My boss' dirty laundry.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You boss makes you do his laundry?
WINDU: When he wants it clean.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Sounds like a sh*t job.
WINDU: Funny, I've been thinkin' the same thing.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Open it up.

Master Windu's free hand lays palm flat on the briefcase.

WINDU: 'Fraid I can't do that.

Darth Sidious is definitely surprised by his answer. He puts his free hand near Windu’s face, force lightning spurting out of it.

DARTH SIDIOUS: I didn't hear you.
WINDU: Yes, you did.

This exchange has been kind of quiet, not everybody heard it, but Count Dooku senses something's wrong.

COUNT DOOKU: What's goin' on, m’lord?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Looks like we got a Jedi knight in our midst.
COUNT DOOKU: Blast him, lord.
WINDU: I don't mean to shatter your ego, but this ain't the first time I've had sith lightning pointed at me.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You don't open up that case, it's also gonna be the last.
DEXTER JETTSER (on the ground): Quit causing problems, you'll get us all killed! Give 'em what you got and get 'em out of here.
WINDU: Keep your f**kin' mouth closed, fat man, this ain't any of your goddamn business!
DARTH SIDIOUS: I'm counting to three, and if your hand isn't off that case, I'm gonna unload right in your f**kin' face. Clear? One...

Master Windu closes his eyes.

DARTH SIDIOUS: ...two...

Master Windu slices Darth Sidious in the chest, up through the table, sending him to the floor. While still in the booth, he swings around to Count Dooku, who has aimed at Master Windu, but slowed down by the shock of Darth Sidious getting shot. He cuts his head clean off...Master Windu now brings the saber down to Darth Sidious's face. Darth Sidious lies on the floor at Master Windu' feet. Darth Sidious looks up at the big lightsaber.

WINDU: Wrong guy, Sidious.

Master Windu slices him in half.

Master Windu's eyes, still closed, suddenly open.

Darth Sidious still stands, holding the force lightning on him.

DARTH SIDIOUS: ...three.
WINDU: You win.

Master Windu raises his hand off the briefcase.

WINDU: It's all yours, Sidious.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Open it.

Master Windu flips the locks and opens the case, revealing it to Darth Sidious but not to us. The same light shines from the case. Darth Sidious's expression goes to amazement. Count Dooku, across the room, can't see sh*t.

COUNT DOOKU: What is it? What is it?
DARTH SIDIOUS (softly): Is that what I think it is?

Master Windu nods his head: "yes."

DARTH SIDIOUS: It's beautiful.

Master Windu nods his head: "yes."

COUNT DOOKU: Goddammit, what is it?

Master Windu slams the case closed, then sits back, as if offering the case to Darth Sidious. Darth Sidious, one big smile, bends over to pick up the case. Like a rattlesnake, Master Windu's free hand grabs the wrist of Darth Sidious, slamming it on the table. His other hand comes from under the table and sticks the barrel of the lightsaber hand under Darth Sidious's chin.

Count Dooku freaks out, waving his saber in Master Windu's direction.

COUNT DOOKU: Release him! Release him or feel the power of the Dark Side!
WINDU (to Darth Sidious): Tell that sith to be cool! Say, sith be cool! Say, sith be cool!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Chill out, my apprentice.
COUNT DOOKU: Let him go!
WINDU (softly): Tell him it's gonna be okay.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I'm gonna be okay.
WINDU: Promise him.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I promise.
WINDU: Tell him to chill.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Just chill out.
WINDU: What's his name?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Dooku.

Whenever Master Windu talks to Dooku, he never looks at him, only at Darth Sidious.

WINDU (to Dooku): So, we cool Dooku? We ain't gonna do anything stupid, are we?
DOOKU: As you wish.
WINDU: Nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three Max Rebos. And what's Max Rebo like? (No answer)
WINDU: C'mon Dooku, what's Max Rebo like?
DOOKU: He's cool?
WINDU: Correct-amundo! And that's what we're gonna be, we're gonna be cool. (to Darth Sidious) Now Sidious, I'm gonna count to three and I want you to let go your saber and lay your palms flat on the table. But when you do it, do it cool. Ready?

Darth Sidious looks at him.

WINDU: One...two...three.

Darth Sidious lets go of his saber and places both hands on the table. Dooku can't stand it anymore.

DOOKU(preparing force lightning): Okay, now let him go!
WINDU: Dooku, I thought you were gonna be cool. When you yell at me, it makes me nervous. When I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherf**kers get scared, that's when motherf**kers get killed.
DOOKU (more conversational): Just know: you kill him, you’ll die as well, and the revolt will begin.
WINDU: That seems to be the situation. Now I don't want that and you don't want that and Sidious here don't want that. So let's see what we can do. (to Sidious) Now this is the situation. Normally both of your asses would be dead as f**kin' fried chicken. But you happened to pull this sh*t while I'm in a transitional period. I don't wanna kill ya, I want to help ya. But I'm afraid I can't give you the case. It don't belong to me. Besides, I went through too much sh*t this morning on account of this case to just hand it over to your dumb ass.
KENOBI: What the f**k's goin' on here?

Dooku whips his saber toward the stranger.

KENOBI, by the bathroom, has his saber out, dead-aimed at Dooku.
WINDU: It's cool, Obi-Wan! It's cool! Don't do a goddamn thing. Dooku, it's cool, nothin's changed. We're still just talkin', (to Darth Sidious) Tell him we're still cool.
DARTH SIDIOUS: It's cool, Count Dooku, we're still cool.
KENOBI (saber raised): What the hell's goin' on, Mace?
WINDU: Nothin' I can't handle. I want you to just hang back and don't do sh*t unless it's absolutely necessary.
KENOBI: Check.
WINDU: Dooku, how we doin?
DOOKU(points saber at Windu, hand at Obi-Wan): I’ll slaughter both you Jedi...
WINDU: Just hang in there, baby, you're doing' great, Sidious's proud of you and so am I. It's almost over, and no one’s gotta die. (to Darth Sidious) Now I want you to go in that bag and find my lightsaber.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Which one is it?
WINDU: It's the one that says Bad Motherf**ker.

Darth Sidious looks in the bag and sure enough there's a lightsaber with "Bad Motherf**ker" etched on it.

WINDU: That's my bad motherf**ker. Now hand it to me.

Sidious does. Windu then drops the spare saber and picks up his Bad Motherf**ker.

WINDU: There’s a compartment in that spare saber. Open it and take out the credits inside. How much is it?
DARTH SIDIOUS: About fifteen hundred.
WINDU: Put it in your pocket, it's yours. Now with the rest of them wallets and the register, that makes this a pretty successful little score. Enough to fuel your revolt for a few weeks, easy.
KENOBI: Master Windu, if you give this nimrod fifteen hundred credits, I'm gonna slice 'em on general principle.
WINDU: You ain't gonna do a goddamn thing, now hang back and shut the f**k up. Besides, I ain't givin' it to him. I'm buyin' somethin' for my money. Wanna know what I'm buyin' Sidious?
DARTH SIDIOUS: What?
WINDU: Your life. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Not regularly.
WINDU: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous Jedi is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been sayin' that sh*t for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherf**ker 'fore you popped a saber in his ass. But I saw some sh*t this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin', it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. BMF here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or is could by you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that sh*t ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin'. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

Master Windu lowers his saber, lying it on the table. Darth Sidious looks at him, to the money in his hand, then to Dooku. He looks back. Grabbing the trash bag full of wallets, the two run out the door.

Master Windu, who was never risen from his seat the whole time, takes a sip of coffee.

WINDU (to himself): It's cold.

He pushes it aside. Obi-Wan appears next to Master Windu.

KENOBI: I think we oughta leave now.
WINDU: That's probably a good idea.

Obi-Wan throws some credits on the table and Master Windu grabs the briefcase.

Then, to the amazement of the Patrons, the Waitresses, the Cooks, the Bus Boys, and Dexter Jettser, these two bad-ass dudes -- wearing tee-shirts, swim trunks, thongs and packing lightsabers -- walk out of the coffee shop together without saying a word.

THE END

Just awesome! Nicely done Redstreak!

Genius. But Padme's joke should have been:

Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker: "I know what you got for Christmas" and Luke says: "How?" and Darth replies: "I have felt your presence."

Just the right kind of crap joke that would work IMHO

Thats awesome stuff dude. anyway i rember a movie at newgrounds.com it was something like pulp jedi i forget the name i ve been looking for it on new grounds for a long time. i still need ot find it.